Their Feats Sound Laudable but Are Not Worth a Hand

C’mon now, let’s have a nice fanfare and a really big hand for . . .

The USC Trojans!

They’ve kicked the habit. No more cheating. No more sneaky stuff. No more forgetting those silly little rules. No more accidentally miscounting the players’ comp tickets.

The Trojans are clean.

Sure, they were found guilty of 30 violations of NCAA rules, and wound up getting docked seven football scholarships over the next two seasons. The important thing is, they have seen the light, brother.

When the latest bust was announced, USC Athletic Director Mike McGee said, “With the preventive program we already put in place here and the vigilance by everybody involved, there’s no reason to anticipate any further problems of this nature at USC.”

There, see? Now all you meddling snoops from the NCAA office can pack your bags and mosey on back home, y’hear?

This is--I’m getting a little choked up, here--the end of an era. USC getting caught violating rules is as traditional as the big white horse galloping around the field after a Trojan touchdown. It has become so routine that two of L.A.’s three biggest newspapers all but ignored the story this time. It was buried in the back pages with the bowling scores.

Even though USC has repented, don’t think the Trojans are taking a self-righteous attitude. I hear that the football players and coaches, as well as officials of the athletic department and administration, all will be packed up and shipped off to someplace where they can meditate and reflect upon the school’s long history of misdeeds, dishonesty and carelessness.

Waikiki, here they come.

The Skins Game!

What a concept! Round up four billionaire golfers who look good in alpaca sweaters.

Make it legit. The four guys either have to be a top golfer now, be an ex-top golfer, or be a close personal friend of a top golfer. Have them play a couple rounds of golf, just the four of them, on TV.

How much should we put in the pot? I dunno, just drive that skip-loader into the bank vault over there and get about three scoops’ worth.

Why not have the golfers throw their own money into a pot and play for that? Hey, that’s too much pressure to put on a man.

Exciting? You bet the Skins Game is exciting. As exciting as watching an OPEC oil sheik spin the California Lottery big wheel.

The major league baseball owners!

For 100 years, baseball owners were real stupid. They squeezed the players so hard for every penny that the players finally rebelled and got free agency.

For the next decade, the owners were real stupid. They gave $1 million to every free agent who could correctly identify a bat or a ball. There were bonus clauses, in case the free agent made the team.

Then, overnight, the owners got smart. All of them. All at once.

Maybe there was a blinding flash of light, or maybe they all saw a vision of a burning money tree.

Whatever happened, there are several free agents wandering around out there this very minute, some of them actually talented players like Kirk Gibson and Donnie Moore, asking for the standard huge amounts of money, and none of the owners will pay ‘em!

“Common sense has taken over,” Commissioner Peter Ueberroth said. “Player salaries will continue to go up, yes, but not at such a dramatic and alarming rate.”

Alarming to whom? Not to the players, certainly.

The players are angry. They are accusing the owners of collusion.

It’s not collusion, gentleman. The owners aren’t smart enough to collude.

It’s a miracle.

The Rams!

I love ‘em. You love ‘em. America’s team.

In the wake of their victory over the 49ers Monday, it would hardly be fair to spoil the party by asking such questions as:

--Where’s the offense? Coach John Robinson loosened up his offense a little Monday. Threw the ball on first down. Threw long a couple of times. Still, the Rams run the ball every time they have third-and-longer-than-10. Why not just punt on third down?

--Where’s Eric Dickerson? Yeah, I saw the 41-yard gallop. No, I won’t say it was a fluke. But this still isn’t Eric of ’84. Eric says he would like to have more passes thrown his way. Makes sense. Loosen up the defense. Monday, Eric got one. The day before, Raider runner Marcus Allen caught five passes. Not that we’d want to compare the two guys or anything.

Robinson says that’s the kind of play you put in during training camp, which Dickerson missed. So, since the Rams have clinched a playoff spot, why not send Dickerson away to camp for the next two weeks, to return in time for the playoffs?

--When was the last time you saw a team in the Super Bowl that didn’t have either a dynamic, star-quality quarterback or a dynamic, star-quality running back?

The Caltech Beavers!

Seriously. All kidding aside. With all the undeserving and semi-deserving teams going to bowl games, here’s a team that earned a bid. The Beavers, 8-0 in the regular season, beat the Pasadena Police Centurions last Saturday, 40-26, in the Tournament for Tots Bowl.

The Centurions finished their season 0-1. Cal Tech had its winningest season in 93 years.

Say, you NCAA investigators with nothing to do now that USC is clean, you might want to drive over to Pasadena and check out these so-called student athletes.