GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS IN A WORLD BY THEMSELVES

Drum roll, klieg lights and appropriately melodramatic music, please. Cue announcer: “Live from Beverly Hills, it’s the 43rd annual Golden Globes post-game show!” Cue host:

Thanks for tuning in. As you may know, for years now the Golden Globes, presented by the Hollywood Foreign Press Assn., have been the ugly ducklings of the annual awards derby that culminates in March with Oscar night. Still, a history of flamboyance and controversy--these are the folks who honored Pia Zadora as new star of the year in 1982--have landed the awards a certain reverse snob appeal.

“This is a great party,” said screenwriter Andy Borowitz arriving at the Beverly Hilton’s International Ballroom. “The show always looks like what the Academy Awards would be if the Soviet Union produced it.”

This is Hollywood’s real circus of the stars. As your hosts we’ve had hours to pore over the ceremony, selecting the key plays (big-award winners) turnovers (foul-ups, bleeps and blunders) and those genuinely touching moments that characterize awards shows.

First, the news of the evening. “Out of Africa” took the prize for best motion picture--drama. But the sleeper of the night proved to be “Prizzi’s Honor,” John Huston’s black comedy about a his-and-her Mafia hit team, which won the most awards (four): best motion picture--comedy or musical, best actor (Jack Nicholson); best director (John Huston) and best actress, (Kathleen Turner).

Don Johnson, decked out in black tux, spats, brass-topped walking stick and no socks, hobbled in nursing a fractured foot and walked out winner of best performance by an actor in a television series--drama. His “Miami Vice” partner Philip Michael Thomas, flanked by a tuxedoed bodyguard, left empty-handed but still was signing autographs and posing with tourists in the lobby at 12:30 a.m., an hour after the rest of the crowd had gone home.

“The Color Purple’s” Whoopi Goldberg (best performance by an actress in a motion picture--drama) bounded to the stage in neon-bright yellow tights, a white coat and high-top Reebok tennis shoes and quickly exclaimed, “This is the stuff you dream about. I’m not going to lie. I’ve never seen all these people before!”

Because this is the only major awards ceremony that joins together the ranks of TV and motion pictures, the Globes are traditionally a rich evening for star-gazing and Friday proved no exception. Spotted in the endless procession of sequins, furs (though temperatures hovered near 70 degrees) cigars and suntans were: Bette Davis, Huey Lewis, Charlton Heston, Rosanna Arquette, Michael J. Fox, Liza Minnelli, Kirk Douglas and Barbara Stanwyck (who received the honorary Cecil B. DeMille award for outstanding contributions to entertainment).

The biggest receptions from the crowd and position-jockeying photographers went to Don Johnson and presenter Faye Dunaway. When Dunaway arrived in full-length white mink, the paparazzi launched into high gear.

Inside the ballroom, standing ovations were reserved for women: Sylvia Sidney, (who won for her role in the TV movie “An Early Frost”), Stanwyck, Goldberg and Davis. Of the men, Jon Voight came closest. When he won the best performance by an actor in a movie drama for his role in “Runaway Train”--the one long shot of the evening--Cannon Films Inc. heads Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, distributors of the film, jumped to their feet, but nobody followed.

Voight’s was the most existential acceptance speech of the evening: “I wish to say to you from a deeper place than you can see visibly, that within my heart and soul there is so much love for all that I wish to express it. . . .”

The shortage of such speeches, and the fact that nearly a third of the winners failed to show for their awards, kept the broadcast two minutes ahead of schedule to the delight of executive producer Dick Clark. Harry Hoffman (Dustin’s father) drove up from La Costa to pick up his son’s trophy but was told Golden Globe rules would not allow it. Somewhat miffed, the former furniture dealer quipped, “Looks like they got more no-shows than do-shows at this thing.” Others who failed to make it: Woody Allen, Kathleen Turner, Bill Cosby and Jack Nicholson.

There were the inevitable low points. Lou Rawls, normally incapable of singing badly, was hopelessly lost in his rendition of “A View to a Kill,” apparently unable to hear the band or totally unfamiliar with the song. A producer of “Murder, She Wrote” had the verbal gaffe of the evening announcing, “Peter (his co-producer) and I are fortunate to have two beautiful blondes in our lives, Angela Lansbury and my wife.”

In a logic clear only to the Hollywood Foreign Press Assn., Chuck Norris gave the award for best foreign film. Speaking with reporters after the presentation he said, “You gotta ask me about my movies, that’s the only reason I’m here.” Norris then launched into a five-minute plug of his new film.

The Golden Globes always have been more relaxed than the other awards evenings. Gena Rowlands skipped the food and chain-smoked. When an enormous portion of chateaubriand landed on Sylvia Sidney’s plate she quickly remarked, “I used to wear a hat that looked like this.” When asked how the pinkish dessert (shaped like a miniature Globe award) tasted, the effervescent Sidney quipped: “Like a whole lot of air flavored like strawberry.”

All in all, a fitting metaphor for the evening.

Steven Smith contributed to this article.