Here’s Real Scoop on News Items Out of Spring Training

Today’s column was compiled as a public service to fans who haven’t had time to read all the reports coming out of big league spring training camps. Following is a digest of the spring’s top stories:

PEDRO REPORTS, BUT RAZOR IS A NO-SHOW

Dodger left fielder Pedro Guerrero reports to Dodger camp wearing a goatee, in violation of the team’s strict dress and grooming code.

Triple-crown candidate or not, the Dodgers weren’t about to surrender their demand for uniformity of appearance among their players. Fortunately, Guerrero shaved the goatee, just as General Manager Al Campanis was about to issue an organization-wide directive that each Dodger player, coach, executive and secretary must wear a goatee.

JAX, JACKIE, GENE IN PACT FLAP

Reggie Jackson claims Jackie and Gene Autry have hinted that he should retire before he embarrasses himself, and the Autrys refuse to extend Reggie’s contract through 1987 .

Multiple choice question. Reggie Jackson is the most sensitive person since: a) Elizabeth Barrett Browning; b) Rod Carew; c) Mo Kadafi.

KNUCKLER’S PINKIE WRINKLED

Texas knuckleballer Charlie Hough suffers a broken little finger on his throwing hand when shaking hands with a friend.

Now that Peter Ueberroth has rid the game of drugs, he’s got to do something about the violence.

PADRE ACES TURN ABOUT-FACES

Normally talkative Padre pitchers Eric Show and Goose Gossage have taken vows of silence to the press.

Gone: the last two good reasons to visit Yuma in the springtime. But we understand, fellows. Goose, you gotta do whatever it takes to bring back the old heater. And Eric, we writers, being of significantly inferior intellect, never understood what you were saying anyway.

THOUGHTS OF HOMELAND MAKE DODGER BLUE

Pedro Guerrero, off to a 1-for-16 start at the plate in spring training, says, “I wish I could stay home (Dominican Republic), and come back on opening day.” It does seem a shame to waste that hot bat on spring training games. Besides, all this Florida nonsense whittles down a fella’s vacation to a lousy five months.

GEORGE’S BAT SILENT, TOO

George Hendrick, the heir apparent to Reggie Jackson in right field for the Angels, is hitting .139, with one RBI, and reportedly doesn’t always run out ground balls. An anonymous teammate touches off a furor by claiming Hendrick won’t even take extra batting practice. I think it tells you a lot about baseball players and spring training when one of the hottest debates of the month is over whether a 36-year-old, $737,000-a-year player coming off a .215 season actually took an extra 40 minutes of swings in a batting cage.

From reports out of the Angel camp, right field is going to the dogs. Reggie is working like one, and George is playing like one.

COMMISH CLEANS HOUSE

Baseball Commissioner Peter Ueberroth, in the wake of the drug controversy, moves to ban riffraff from major league clubhouses, saying, “The days of jewelry salesmen, friends and agents (in the clubhouse) are over.” It’s going to get mighty lonely in those clubhouses. Who the hell are the players going to talk to? Each other?

Form your office pools now. Which big league player will be the first to blame a lousy season on the distraction of having to go out on the streets to shop for jewelry?

LANDREAUX’S TALE OF WOEAUX

Dodger center fielder Kenny Landreaux, who hit .186 against left-handed pitchers last season and has been criticized by team brass for his defense, chafes at the Dodgers giving a rookie phenom a look in center before shipping the kid to the minors. Snaps Landreaux, “Maybe they (Dodgers brass) will wake up some day, I don’t know.” Uh, Kenny, you might want to keep your voice down.

CARDINALS NIX OZ FLIPS

The St. Louis Cardinals order shortstop Ozzie Smith to cease and desist doing backflips in the field. But Ozzie’s acrobatics are popular with the fans, so the team will show film clips of the flips on the stadium message board. Also, for the benefit of fans who may be dieting, the Cardinals will show film clips of people gobbling hot dogs and guzzling beer.

DODGER ACE STOPS RUNAWAY VEHICLE

Fernando Valenzuela is leaning against a golf cart, talking to sportswriter Jack Lang, who is sitting in the cart. The cart starts to roll backward, and someone yells for Lang to hit the brake. He hits the accelerator pedal instead, sending the cart lurching into Fernando. Injuries are said to be “minor.” Minor to whom? Not to the poor sap who had to repair the crumpled fender.

That’s the trouble with spring training. The real season is always anti-climactic.