Forecast for NL West’s Picnic: It’s Clear Skies With No Ants

I understand that the Padres and Dodgers are opening the National League baseball season with a picnic Monday afternoon.

Tommy Lasorda will bring the linguine, of course, because a picnic is not a picnic without it.

Others will bring the more conventional items. Fernando Valenzuela the dip and Tony Gwynn the chips. Eric Show the hot dogs and Mike Marshall the buns. Kevin McReynolds the lemonade and Steve Sax the ice.

And Steve Boros can fire up the barbecue.

OK, so that’s not exactly what will transpire on the greensward at Dodger Stadium. That’s just how cozy things seem these days.

Whatever happened to rivalries?

Where have you gone Juan Bonilla?

It seems like only yesterday that he was infuriating the Dodgers with his finger-pointing, high-fiving celebrating of a four-game Padre sweep. Dusty Baker responded with some derogatory observations about Mr. Bonilla, and Dick Williams, in turn, launched a nasty word or two about Mr. Baker.

Where have you gone Dusty Baker?

All of this was played to the accompaniment of knockdown pitches, hard slides and angry glares.

However, there was a lighter side.

Where have you gone Kurt Bevacqua?

Who will assume your chores as the Padres’ designated tongue? Who will call Lasorda a fat little Italian? Who will veritably spit invectives at the sanctity of Dodger Blue?

This is serious duty.

Indeed, Bevacqua and Lasorda had a peculiar relationship, and I suspect that Lasorda will miss him. From one clubhouse to the other, they would volley with their one-liners. It was more a matter of verbal one-upmanship than dislike, for each enjoyed using the other as a foil.

Lasorda’s most repeated rejoinder was an observation that pitchers used to send limousines to make sure hitters like Bevacqua got to the ballpark. Bevacqua, of course, made his next trip to Dodger Stadium in a limousine.

And so this Friars’ Roast rivalry has gone away.

But there were other rivalries, though maybe not as entertaining.

Where have you gone Pascual Perez?

This was the man who fired the first salvo in that infamous Battle of Atlanta on Aug. 12, 1984. He hit Alan Wiggins with the first pitch of that game, and the Padres’ hit men--the pitchers--chased him relentlessly until they finally got him in the eighth inning.

Amazingly, most of that afternoon’s principals are gone, at least from the Padres and Braves. Perez. Wiggins. Joe Torre. Dick Williams. Donnie Moore. Greg Booker. Ed Whitson. Ozzie Virgil. Champ Summers. Gerald Perry.

And, of course, Bevacqua.

That was a very memorably forgettable afternoon, but it accomplished one seemingly enduring thing: It created a rivalry where none had existed.

And it, too, is gone.

It seems now that everyone loves everyone in the National League West.

Is this a baseball division or a charm school?

The managers are Steve Boros, Tom Lasorda, Chuck Tanner, Roger Craig, Pete Rose and Hal Lanier. One nice guy--yes, Lasorda too--after another. Put these guys on a Chamber of Commerce committee to attract new industry and they could talk the Ford Motor Co. into leaving Detroit.

Tanner would be the nicest of these guys, unless it was Boros. Rose would be the nicest of these guys, unless it was Lanier. Lasorda would be the nicest of these guys, unless it was Craig.

This division has gone to syrup and sugar instead of spikes and spats.

Whatever happened to guys like Dick Williams, who complained when anyone suggested they might once have been nice for as long as a week?

Maybe something will happen this year. Maybe someone will do something to get things stirred up.

Suggestions?

Here are some things that could happen in this division:

Cincinnati’s Dave Parker barrels into second base, seemingly going out of his way to uproot Bip Roberts.

Roberts, all 5-feet 7-inches and 135 pounds, leaps to his feet and assaults the 6-5, 235 Parker. Meanwhile, Parker is dusting himself off on his way to the dugout.

Later, Parker complains about the fleas around second base.

The Dodgers’ Tom Niedenfuer, angry that Kevin McReynolds has been pounding the baseball so mercilessly, decides to bounce a fastball off McReynolds’ ribs.

Alas, Niedenfuer inadvertently gets the pitch out over the plate and McReynolds hits a three-run home run.

Craig Lefferts, perturbed with Bob Horner for the same reason Niedenfuer was angry with McReynolds, throws the ball behind Horner’s back.

Asked about it later by reporters looking for a juicy tidbit of controversy, Horner says: “You know ol’ Craig. He’s a little forgetful. He musta been thinking I was a left-handed batter.”

Steve Garvey, that vengeful curmudgeon, goes into second base against the Dodgers with spikes high and flashing. He will forcefully break up this double play.

However, Mariano Duncan is not there. He is in short left field, retrieving Steve Sax’s throw.

You see, trouble will go out of its way to avoid the National League West. It knows it cannot possibly thrive amid all the hearts and flowers.

No, there will be no sharpened spikes, no beanballs, no batters charging pitching mounds, no vows for revenge.

Two years ago, after the Battle of Atlanta, one of the Padres promised: “Just stay tuned for Part Two.”

Someone might say much the same thing at some point this year, but it just won’t mean the same. We may be talking The Wonderful World of Disney, Parts 1 through 162.

It looks as if all we’re going to get is baseball. And that’s not all bad.

But it would be nice to have Kurt Bevacqua around.