If the Shoe Won’t Work, Then Give It the Boot

So far this NFL season, no field official has stopped a game, taken off his left shoe, pulled an antenna out of the toe, dialed a number in the heel and carried on a phone conversation with his chief.

The only reason the NFL hasn’t used a shoe phone is fear of a suit for copyright infringement.

See, the current system of instant replay officiating is a blatant rip-off of the old “Get Smart” television series. All that’s missing is agent Maxwell Smart’s shoe phone and a pretty girl. Like “Get Smart,” the NFL replay system consists of code words, confusion, bumbling and silly electronic gadgetry--beepers, buzzers and phunny phones.

I have always been strongly in favor of instant replay use by officials. I still want to keep it, no question, but it needs some work.

There are only two problems with the current system: The replay officials don’t know what they’re doing, and they take too long doing it.

Seven minutes? That’s how long the replay judge deliberated over a decision in Sunday’s Raider-Oiler game. Seven minutes to look at a TV replay! What does this man do for a living? Unload baggage from airplanes at LAX?

Let’s get serious. The league needs help. I have advice. It’s free. Take it. Four easy steps.

1. Throw out the telephones.

The following is a typical phone conversation between a replay judge in the press box and an official on the field:

Judge: Here’s my ruling--It’s no touchdown.

Zebra: Snow touchdown? Jack Snow hasn’t played in years. That was Al Toon, uh, who caught that pass.

Judge: Altoona? I’ve got some relatives living in Wilkes Barre, Pa. Is that near Altoona?

Zebra: Closer to Scranton. But what about the call?

Judge: Reverse the charges. The league will pay for it.

Zebra: Not this phone call. Your ruling . Does the touchdown count?

Judge: I can’t remember. Let me take another look.

Operator: Your three minutes are up.

The phones have resulted in confusion. Why? Try this: Next time you’re making a phone call at home, invite 100,000 screaming fans into your living room and see if their noise affects your ability to hear the voice on the other end of the phone.

2. Free the judges.

Take the replay judges out of their little goldfish bowls in the press box and put them at a table behind one end zone. Give them striped shirts and white hats. Make them feel like part of the game.

This is partly for the fans’ benefit. It’s hard to boo a press box. Also, putting the judge on the sidelines would eliminate the temptation for him to doze off during boring parts of the game or anytime the Rams are playing.

3. Get some flags.

This is the key element of my plan.

Under the current system, confusion reigns, in the stands and on the field. Is the replay judge reviewing this play or isn’t he? What did he decide? We want this information instantly, and accurately.

Thus the flags. The replay judge sitting field-side would stand up and wave an appropriate flag when a situation warrants. No colored lights, please. The fewer electronic devices and gadgets involved, the less opportunity for screwing up.

If the replay official decides to review a play, he stands up and waves a red flag. Stop the action.

Then, when he has weighed the evidence, the judge puts away the red flag and waves one of two flags:

--Checkered flag: Proceed with the game. The play stands as originally ruled on the field.

--Yellow flag: The play has been reversed. Whatever the officials ruled was wrong.

There is no need to differentiate between the current “confirmed” and “inconclusive,” since the end result is the same.

For isolated situations the judge will have these additional flags:

--Cocktail flag: This is going to take longer than I thought, folks. Go get yourselves a drink.

--Impressionistic flag with slashes of bright primary colors: All camera angles were inconclusive, so I’m going to examine a LeRoy Neiman sketch of the play.

--Flag featuring likeness of Phil Donahue: Never mind what I think, I want to know what you people think. Talk to me.

4. Fire all the judges and get new ones. It took you seven minutes to rule on that play? Goodby. This isn’t chess, pal.

You couldn’t tell with the naked eye that lateral was clearly not a forward pass? Goodby, and good luck driving home.

There are thousands of people capable of looking at an instant replay and making a quick decision. I’ve sat next to many of them in bars.

The current replay judges are working too hard, overcomplicating a simple job. What we’re trying to do here is correct gross and obvious errors, fellows, not analyze the Zapruder film.

Let’s bring in Judge Wapner to train and supervise the new crew of replay judges. Wapner wrestles with much more difficult judgments on Peoples Court and he always renders a decision within 60 seconds.

If you need any more advice, Pete Rozelle, you can reach me on my shoe phone. If I’m not in, leave a message on my cuff-link answering machine.