This Poll of Fans Should Be About 100% Fool Proof

America’s newspaper recently surveyed America’s sports fans on a variety of sporting topics. In a poll that ran for three consecutive days, the newspaper revealed the fans’ answers to such probing questions as, “If you had William (The Refrigerator) Perry over for dinner, what would you serve?”

There were also some silly and trivial questions, but basically the poll took a hard look at the mood of America.

It was a good poll. Very informative. An even more reliable barometer, however, a more relevant sampling of opinion, is the poll recently conducted among regular readers of this column. Talk about people who have their fingers on the pulse of the nation.

For instance, 18% of the respondents correctly identified Mookie Wilson as the Mets’ center fielder, 29% thought he was Woodrow’s younger brother, and 42% identified him as a character on “Sesame Street.”

In a word-association portion of the survey, a majority of readers responded to Joe by answering, “The capital of Montana,” and the same majority described Fuzzy Zoeller as “Some newfangled carpet fabric.”

Asked to name the most informative and insightful sports literature they’ve read recently, 3% said Jim McMahon’s biography, 7% said Mookie Wilson’s bubble gum card, and 84% said Jan Stephenson’s 1987 calendar.

What is the burning legal question in sports today? About 19% said it’s whether or not football players will ever achieve true free agency, 4% said it’s something to do with the legality of drug testing, and 74% said: “If Al Davis has a heart attack in the next couple of days, can he get his $5 million back from Gene Klein?”

The greatest risk of brain damage in sports? Exactly 3% voted for boxing, 5% said it’s frequent high-speed crashes into concrete walls in auto racing, and 92% voted for repeated exposure to the stadium organist at Angel games.

When do football spectators finish off their first beer? Some 43% said, “Before kickoff,” 19% said, “Before the end of the first quarter,” but 83% of Raider fans said, “Before getting out of bed.”

A majority of readers failed to correctly differentiate between Dominique Wilkins and Dominic Frontiere, but when asked what the two have in common, 79% correctly answered, “The ability to wheel and deal.”

What do spectators fear most? “Being zinged in the face by a foul ball when I’m not looking” (14%), and “Being zinged in the face by a tipsy Rams fan when I’m not looking” (9%) were popular responses, but 76% said, “Buying a $500 seat for a heavyweight championship fight and finding out Don King has the seat directly in front of me.”

In “The sports match-up you’d most like to see,” Don Mattingly vs. Roger Clemens in baseball got 6% of the vote, Larry Bird vs. Michael Cooper in basketball got 3%, but the clear favorite was John McEnroe vs. Charles Martin in WWF-rules (World Wrestling Federation) tennis.

The lesson in life that sport today teaches us best? The three top vote-getters were: “It’s never over till it’s over” (8%), “Winners never quit, quitters never win” (9%), and “Never walk into a bar and say, ‘Gimme a light’ ” (73%).

If I could improve my favorite sport? On this one, 23% said they’d raise the hoop in basketball, 21% said they’d protect the passer in football, and 44% said they’d add some much-needed violence to hockey by instituting Figure-8 Zamboni machine racing during period breaks.

If I could watch a World Series game from any seat, I would choose . . . The three most frequent responses were: “Right behind home plate,” (8%); “In back of my favorite team’s dugout,” (2%), and “A window seat in the Goodyear blimp, with a generous supply of water balloons,” (90%).

If put in charge of pregame entertainment at the Super Bowl, my first priority would be . . . “Arranging an aerial show featuring 100,000 pigeons and 5,000 Air Force jets, or vice versa,” (16%); “Lining up a group of real wholesome kids to sing some upbeat show tunes,” (1%), and “Booking Run DMC to rap the national anthem,” (72%).

Asked to name “the most believable sports figure endorsing products,” you voted for John Madden, (2%); Bob Uecker, (1%); Mary Lou Retton, (1%), and Mike the dog, (93%).

Your New Year’s sports resolution? Two percent said, “To work at a grass-roots level to end violence and dishonesty in sport;” 5% said, “Try to pay more attention to my family during commercial breaks,” and 74% said “To fulfill a lifelong ambition by legally changing my name to Mookie, Refrigerator or Mike the dog.”