Bear Animal House Is Run by an Inmate

It has been a season of turmoil for the Chicago Bears, but like the old Oakland A’s, the more the Bears bicker, the more they win.

“A little controversy doesn’t hurt,” Coach Mike Ditka says. “A few distractions aren’t bad. We might even create a few. It’s not bad to have a crisis every once in a while, as long as it’s a minor one within the organization. George Halas used to do it all the time.”

Said safety Dave Duerson: “We do play better under emotional circumstances. We’ve got 45 strange characters. Forty-six if you count Mike.”

Add Halas: When he finally retired from coaching, he said: “I knew it was time to quit when I was chewing out an official and he walked off the penalty faster than I could keep up with him.”

Add Bears: Officially, he’s still The Refrigerator, but some are now calling him William (Avalanche) Perry. Apparently he’s losing the battle of the bulge, with his weight moving faster toward 400 than 300. But why Avalanche? “When he takes off his uniform,” one club official said, “that’s what you see.”

Dallas Coach Tom Landry, on his decision to start Reggie Collier at quarterback today against Chicago: “You can find out a lot about people when you play the Bears.”

Good luck, Reggie.

George Steinbrenner said he couldn’t come to terms with Jack Morris, but here’s what Yankee third baseman Mike Pagliarulo had to say during negotiations: “I say sign this guy, go with this thing. Let’s not worry about the budget. People don’t know what it would mean to us to have a pitcher like that.

“If anyone is jealous about what he gets, they shouldn’t be on our team. When he’s on, he’s one of the toughest pitchers in the league. He comes at you with a forkball, fastball, changeup, slider. This guy has been the best pitcher of the ‘80s. He’s worth a lot of money.”

Trivia Time: If Jack Morris is the winningest pitcher in the 1980s, who has the best earned-run average so far in the decade? (Answer below.)

Will the bright lights spoil Mike Tyson? “No chance,” says the boxer’s adviser, Jimmy Jacobs.

“About a year ago, in what we now call Mike’s party period, he didn’t miss too many of them,” Jacobs told the Baltimore Sun. “But he came to me one day and said: ‘Jim, this isn’t my scene. I’m more happy being myself.’ ”

Said Tyson: “It was a show, a circus. I just didn’t fit in with that type of crowd. I’m not a weirdo who dresses crazy, so why should I go to those type places?”

Wallace Matthews of Newsday, writing about Dennis Rappaport, co-manager of Boxer Gerry Cooney, said: “Here’s all you need to know from someone who knows him well: ‘Dennis is the kind of guy who always thinks the bartender is watering the drinks, because that’s what Dennis would be doing if he was the bartender.’ ”

Trivia Answer: Fernando Valenzuela. In fact, three of the top four are Dodgers. Here are the top 10, as compiled by the New York Times (minimum 1,100 innings):

Fernando Valenzuela 2.94, Jerry Reuss 3.06, Nolan Ryan 3.12, Bob Welch 3.16, Steve Carlton 3.18, John Tudor 3.20, Steve Rogers 3.23, Mario Soto 3.26, Dave Stieb 3.27, Joe Niekro 3.34.

Note: Jack Morris is 14th at 3.46.

Quotebook

Washington State basketball Coach Len Stevens, on Friday night’s win over UCLA: “It was our biggest win since Moby Dick was a minnow.”