Words of Wisdom, and a Few That Are Not Quite as Wise

The Collector presents . . . Great and Semi-Great Sports Quotes of 1986:

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, responding to rumors last January that his level of intensity was slipping: “See me in March.”

Banjo hitter Tim Flannery of the Padres, after capping a three-game Padre sweep of the Dodgers with a home run: “Goodby, Mr. Spalding!”

Limbo Parks, Arkansas offensive lineman, on what he might do after college: “Being a fireman would be exciting, but I do not like fire.”

Mike Tyson, on his boxing strategy: “I always try to catch them right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain.”

Pamela Jones, after marrying a man posing as Joe Montana in Lexington, Ky,, who ran off with her money: “But he said he was Joe. And he had the NFL jacket.”

Pedro Guerrero at spring training, two weeks before he knocked himself out of the 1986 season with a sliding injury, lamenting the spring grind: “I wish I could stay home and come back on opening day.”

TCU football player Kenneth Davis, claiming that the $38,000 he was given under the table made him only the seventh-highest paid player on the team: “Heck, my case is kinda sad, really.”

Basketball player Leon Wood, introducing himself to Net TV commentator Steve Albert: “Are you any relation to your brother Marv?”

Dann Bilardello of the Expos, on the strict rules regarding facial hair when he played for the Reds: “In Cincinnati, we were lucky we were allowed to have eyebrows.”

Larry Holmes, describing a prefight physical in New Jersey: “ ‘How are you?’ ‘Fine.’ ‘OK, you can go.’ ”

Pitcher Charlie Hough, on his broken finger: “It’s only puffy where it’s swollen.”

Goose Gossage, on Padre owner Joan Kroc, who also owns McDonald’s: “She’s poisoning the world with her hamburgers.”

A policeman, after Olympic archer John Chester Williams was busted for marijuana possession, with 30 pounds in his house and 27 plants growing in his yard: “He told us the stuff was for his personal use.”

Kirk McCaskill, to Angel pitching coach Marcel Lachemann when Lachemann came to the mound with the hook: “What are you doing here? I’m not leaving. Go away.”

A New York Yankee press release, referring to the new Yankee Stadium monument to Billy Martin: “ . . . the plague in center field.”

Greg Swindell, Cleveland pitcher, after his rookie debut, a 24-5 loss to Boston: “I only wish I could’ve done better.”

Bill Madlock, to an infuriated Tom Lasorda when the Dodger manager signaled for a lefty relief pitcher but neither of the two pitchers warming up moved because they were both lefties: “Which left-hander, Tom? The black one or the white one?”

Barry Switzer, Oklahoma coach, on Sooner linebacker Brian Bosworth: “He’s so full of (bleep).”

Hank Bullough, then coach of the Bills, evaluating a rookie: “He has a lot of inept ability.”

Wally Joyner, on his American League rookie-of-the-year battle with Jose Canseco: “I’d vote for me.”

Lester Hayes, after the Raiders had opened the season with a 38-36 loss to Denver: “Now our offense is so diversified, it’s stupendous.” The Raiders averaged 19 points the rest of the season.

Gary Carter, Met catcher, in a radio appeal to Met fans to behave when the Mets clinch the NL Eastern Division title: “Please don’t hurt us.”

Lionel Manuel, Giant wide receiver, after a 14-9 win over the Raiders: “They weren’t as physical as we expected.”

Cedric Maxwell of the Clippers, when center Benoit Benjamin reported to training camp 26 pounds overweight: “Put another piece of cake in him and watch him explode.”

Len Dykstra, Met center fielder: “I’m a professional pest.”

Matt Millen, Raider linebacker, on leadership: “That’s another thing that’s a joke. I mean leadership--if you have 22 grown men out there and you need somebody else to say, ‘Hey, c’mon, go do the job,’ then you don’t deserve to be out there. That’s pathetic. I’ve always felt that’s overrated. You’ve gotta be your own leader.”

Buddy Ryan, Eagle coach, during a team workout, on running back Earnest Jackson: “Get him out of here. Trade him for a six-pack. It doesn’t even have to be cold.”

Michael Jordan, before the current NBA season started: “I’m psyched, man. I’m miles ahead of the last two years.”

Len Bias, his last words: “I’m a bad mother(bleep). I can handle anything.”