BEACH CONFIDENTIAL : An Insider’s Guide to Finding the Beach That’s Right for You

It’s 8 a.m. Saturday, and locals are scrambling to get their errands done before the hordes of outsiders descend on their beach community.

Over Kanan-Dume Road, down the San Diego Freeway or across Garden Grove, the landlubbers arrive in their fat-wheeled Chevy Blazers or Nissan Maxima sedans, causing traffic along the coast highway to come to an abrupt halt. Grinding their gears in the stop-and-stop traffic, munching on Egg McMuffins, the outsiders merge with the locals as they turn in at their favorite beach.

In Malibu, Valley girls head for Zuma’s teen-age hangout near Lifeguard Towers Six and Seven. The surfers check out the swells at Point Dume. And everyone under age 30 wanders by the “Flesh Belt” at Malibu-Surfrider to ogle the male and female hardbodies.

Down Pacific Coast Highway, families are unpacking their picnic baskets at Will Rogers State Beach in Santa Monica. Yuppies, DINKs and other acronym-labeled socio-economic groups with disposable income take their sun at Manhattan Beach. Orange County teens pair up at the Huntington Beach Pier.

Walking Along Laguna Shore

Artists, writers and other cultural literati go for long walks along the shore at Laguna. And nature-lovers sit in the shadow of the San Onofre nuclear power plant.

Going to the beach is a decision as personal as choosing a dog, buying a dress or investing in a car. Since dogs have personalities, clothes have personalities and cars have personalities, why not beaches?

Memorial Weekend is the official kick-off of the Southern California beach season. That’s when the concession stands open, the lifeguard ranks swell and the bikinis become barest. It’s also when a beach’s personality fully emerges.

If you haven’t been to the beach in a year or two, don’t worry. Not much has changed. But if you’re looking for something different this summer, then this insider’s guide--covering about 100 miles of shoreline from Zuma to San Onofre--may be just what you need.

More than 80 million people visit Los Angeles County-run beaches every year, two-thirds of them during the months of June, July and August. Thankfully, we don’t all go to the same place to sun and splash. The Malibu loyalist would have to be dragged kicking and screaming to Manhattan, and the Huntington faithful would rather retreat into a locked closet than visit Hermosa.

Even so, there are certain immutables you might want to consider when choosing a beach. If you like building a campfire after dark, for instance, it makes no sense to go to a place that forbids fire rings. (Huntington, Dockweiler, and San Onofre have them.)

A handy free pamphlet (which you can pick up from the Los Angeles County Department of Beaches and Harbors Visitors Information Center, 4701 Admiralty Way, Marina del Rey) is the “Pocket Guide to Los Angeles Area Beaches.” It contains maps--especially useful when you’re trying to find that spit-sized stretch that Aunt Lucille raved about last year--as well as listings of all facilities available, including handicapped access, rental equipment and camping grounds.

This year, the cost of parking in state- or Los Angeles County-owned beach parking lots has gone up from $3 to $4 a day. (Private lots may charge more.) But there’s something sort of patriotic about paying for official parking, especially since beach budgets are running in the red.

You can park on the side of the road along some major beach access routes and take your chances. But you’re vulnerable to vandalism and robbery, not to mention personal injury. And if you dare to block traffic, you’ll be towed away.

Listening to Conversations

But let’s not dwell on the problems of beach parking. Let’s talk about the perks of beach-going.

Eavesdropping at the beach is one of the best “free” things to do. Who really needs a radio when you can listen to two 16-year-olds plan their prom night, or two middle-aged Orange County singles engage in an old-fashioned courtship ritual over cold fried chicken, or a yuppie couple argue the merits of buying a new Saab or BMW. Plus, it’s easy to get into the most pleasant conversations with neighboring bathers and never even introduce yourself.

Nor should we forget all the great eye contact that beaches afford. For a thrill, today’s bathing suits certainly don’t leave much to the imagination. And for a laugh, watch how true sun-worshipers manage to flip themselves over like flapjacks without getting an unnecessary grain of sand on their bodies.

Finally, the beach is heaven for meeting members of the opposite sex. For a foolproof pick-up line at the beach, there’s nothing you can say at TGIF’s bar that will sound as natural as this opener: “Would you mind watching my stuff?”

So pack some sandwiches and sodas, slap a “Life’s a Beach” bumper sticker on the Toyota and head for shore. Surf’s up!

ZUMA BEACH

This beach is so famous that Rosanna Arquette cut her acting teeth in a low-budget movie bearing its name. And it’s where the county-wide lifeguard championships are held each August. Unfortunately, Valley landlubbers and Malibu locals each lay claim to the waves. “You can get pretty snot-nosed about living here year-round,” admits 29-year-old part-time lifeguard and Malibu resident Andy Jackson.

Some of the serious Valley surfers live at the beach more than the locals. And the Valley girls are professional tanners. Even on foggy days, they’re at Zuma by 8 a.m.

Still, Zuma Beach has remained hospitable to the over-30 crowd, especially those who love body-surfing. You may want to avoid the spot between Tower Six and Seven (north of the lifeguard headquarters) because it’s one of the best-known teen-age hang-outs on the coast.

Even outsiders are beginning to discover three of Malibu’s best-kept secrets: the small public access state-owned stretches north of Broad Beach known as El Pescador, El Matador and La Piedra. They’re often praised as the “last pristine beaches” in Southern California.

Malibu doesn’t boast many eateries, so it’s best to pack a picnic. Or, come early and join the locals for a New York-style breakfast at Anthony’s Deli (22235 Pacific Coast Highway). Try the omelets at the Malibu Inn (22969 Pacific Coast Highway) or graze outdoors on the veggie-stuffed sandwiches at John’s Garden (3835 S. Crosscreek Road). If it’s seafood you’re after, the Reel Inn (18661 Pacific Coast Highway) is cheap and good.

WILL ROGERS STATE BEACH

This is without question the nicest family beach in Los Angeles County. Start opposite Temescal Canyon Road, head south to Tower 16, and you’ll be rewarded with the cleanest sand, the most wholesome beach-goers and the handsomest lifeguards. In fact, the lifeguards consider this to be some of the most prestigious duty assigned.

Families from toney Pacific Palisades consider Will Rogers to be their home away from home. You can identify them by their pastrami sandwiches made by Mort’s Deli (1035 Swarthmore Ave.). There’s even some playground equipment for children. Rocky coves and straight stretches of sand provide plenty of surfing, swimming and strolling sites. And the most gorgeous kites in the area fly intricate loop-de-loops in the air here.

But if you think you’ve suddenly wandered onto the set of a California Cooler commercial, you’re not far off. Those bronzed hunks with the sun-bleached locks and the 18-color striped shorts are among the best volleyball players in the world. (The U.S. Olympic Volleyball Team included Santa Monica beach regulars.)

If you’re looking for a casual co-ed pick-up game, head elsewhere. And don’t interrupt anyone’s concentration, or you’re liable to get your head handed to you.

Locals wouldn’t miss the coffee and sweet rolls at Cafe Beignet (234 Pico Blvd.), which is located in a bowling alley. And an informal seafood dinner can be had cheaply at The Lobster (1602 Ocean Ave.), which is located just south of Santa Monica Pier.

VENICE BEACH

The main draw of Venice Beach, of course, is the boardwalk. Even people who claim they’ve seen it all will find their mouths hanging agape.

You haven’t really lived until you’ve seen Paul Gruenberg juggle a running chain saw (he’s been on “The Tonight Show”). And the junk food and junk items offered for sale (Dove Bars and genuine fake Rolexes and the like) make a pedestrian’s paradise.

Westside singles make the scene at Venice Beach, especially those who think gold lame bathing suits or tri-colored hair isn’t out of place (or out of this world). It’s the kind of beach where regulars always have earplugs at the ready because of all the strange music being played. On the other hand, you’re certain to overhear some amazing conversations. One couple was overheard recently saying they had been visited by space aliens and held prisoner in Encino for three weeks.

Be sure and stop by The Pit (about mid-point along the boardwalk) where 100 or so weightlifters work out in the fresh air.

Unfortunately, crime is getting worse, not better, in the Venice Beach area, so don’t bring any valuables or credit cards to the shore if you can help it. Parking also is a nuisance. All the county-operated lots fill up immediately. And you’ll get towed if you park illegally in vacant lots or on the Venice Boulevard median strip.

MANHATTAN BEACH

Maybe it’s the high-priced real estate, but this unusually clean and broad expanse attracts a decidedly upscale and up-in-age crowd. These are people who have semi-important jobs and maybe even an informed opinion on the Iran- contra hearings. And Manhattan is one of the few shore stretches where a 40-year-old bank VP is not going to feel like an alien visitor.

Manhattan gets fewer outsiders than other South Bay beaches because of the teeth-gnashing shortage of beach-lot parking. You can eat at almost any of the Highland Avenue restaurants without risking heartburn. But don’t miss breakfast at The Beach Hut (3920 Highland Ave.), which was voted “best surfers’ ” restaurant recently by the local “Easy Reader” tabloid.

HERMOSA BEACH

Travel a few hundred yards south, and suddenly the beach seems to have undergone a personality transplant.

Take it from residents Todd Cline, 22, and Darci Baxter, 24--Hermosa Beach attracts “only the cool rock ‘n’ rollers.” What these beach-goers lack in income, they more than make up for in muscle tone and musical selectivity. So what if the sun has to poke through smokestacks?

Generally, regulars tend to be in their mid- to upper 20s and ethnically diverse. They, along with Hermosa’s city fathers, are hospitable to outsiders from Hawthorne, Torrance and Gardena because of the bucks they bring in. There’s even an attempt to balance the parking needs of both residents and beachgoers.

Hermosa also has the most touted eateries in the entire South Bay. They’re the sort of small, hole-in-the-wall places that are tailor-made for beach-goers. For breakfast, locals recommend the pancakes with fruit at the Good Stuff (1286 The Strand). The taco burritos are touted at Diana’s Mexican Restaurant (4 Pier Ave.). And the Hibachi (120 Pacific Coast Highway) is a favorite luncheon spot frequented by workers from the nearby lifeguard administrative headquarters.

REDONDO BEACH

Can we talk?

Did you compete in a triathlon recently? Have you ever won a Hot Bod contest? Do people stop you on the street and say, “With your looks, you should be in the movies”?

If the answer is yes to all of the above, then you’re ready to hit the beach at Redondo.

As cocktail waitress and resident Vicki Garner, 27, confides: “This is the beach where everyone stares at each other’s bodies and checks out the talent.”

The narrowest of the South Bay beaches, Redondo is the No. 1 choice for serious singles in their 20s and 30s. There’s no room on the sand to hide even an ounce of flab. This is where you’ll find the smallest bikinis on the sexiest bodies (both male and female).

And the stalest pick-up lines. One regular beach-going gal promises she’ll drown the next guy who tries the “Haven’t I seen you on TV?” approach. In fact, Redondo gets more than its fair share of wanna-be actors and actresses living in the surrounding high-rise apartments.

No one was able to recommend any cafes--probably because perpetual dieters never eat.

HUNTINGTON BEACH

Unless you were living somewhere other than Southern California last summer, you know all about the Aug. 31 riot on Huntington Beach.

The rock- and bottle-throwing melee during the final day of the Ocean Pacific Pro Surfing Championships gave this already rowdy beach an even rowdier reputation. City fathers are going to try hard to make amends this summer, so expect more beach patrols and a hard-line attitude about inebriation. Still, if you’re a teen-ager, this is THE place to be. Grown-ups, beware.

Sixteen-year-old Lisa Young, a junior at Los Alamitos High School, says kids from nearby Seal and Newport beaches, the Valley and land-locked Orange County towns like Anaheim, all flock here. “This is nothing,” Young says, dismissing Bolsa Chica Beach with a wave of her hand. “ Everything happens by the pier.”

Despite the omnipresent drilling rigs, Huntington Beach is one of the best-known surfing beaches in the world, attracting sightseers from foreign points who’ve flown into LAX--such as the middle-age British couple seen recently clad in “Surf’s Up at Huntington” T-shirts, wandering the beach clutching gin and tonics and looking so contented.

With so many teens, Huntington Beach is junk-food paradise. If you’re longing for the company of adults, try the popovers at Maxwell’s (317 Pacific Coast Highway), or the unusual sandwiches at Gilio’s (16883 Beach Blvd.).

LAGUNA BEACH

Some people prefer Newport Beach. And certainly Ruby’s at the end of the Newport Beach Pier is worth a special trip for its period ‘50s diner fare.

But Newport Beach is a veritable gridlock on weekends. So that’s why the knowledgeable (and even Newporters themselves) head to Laguna.

The best thing about this beach is its laid-back atmosphere, due to the overabundance of artists. True, there’s a definite Yuppie and DINK presence. But the seriously rich stick to their private beachfronts. And people really do bring their paints and easels down to the shore for inspiration.

The beach is great for serious walking since it seems to go on and on and “curves into little coves,” as Jody Downhill, a 26-year-old waitress and Laguna resident, explains it. “It’s a narrow beach, but it’s just prettier.”

Tourists flock to Laguna’s boardwalk so parking is a hassle, especially if there’s any art festival going on. It really makes sense here to park inland and hoof it; then, on your way to the waves, you can stop by all the craft shops and artists’ studios. It’s also worth staying late on Friday nights to catch Laguna poets giving readings at 8 p.m. in the Public Library.

Laguna has its share of cutesy cookie shops. But it also has some of the finest hole-in-the-wall eateries around. The Penguin Cafe (981 S. Coast Highway) has “Wall-o-Matic” jukeboxes and boldly advertises the “Best Burgers in Town.” Best of all, this is a real local hangout for homemade breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Also, Tortilla Flats (1740 S. Coast Highway) is a noisy, over-crowded town tradition. Note well: Laguna also has one of the nicest Memorial Day celebrations (with parades, bands and lots of flowers) of any beach community.

SAN ONOFRE

In light of what happened at Chernobyl, seeking the sun in the shadow of a nuclear power plant may not be everyone’s idea of a fun place.

But Los Angeles County Lifeguard Division Administrative Capt. Gary Crum confesses that San Onofre’s northern surfing beach is his No. 1 favorite in Southern California. So it must be doing something right.

Serene and secluded even on Saturdays and Sundays, San Onofre beach (just inside San Diego County) also offers spectacular 360-degree views of surf, coastline and rolling hills.

This is where serious surfers and sun-worshipers come to commune with nature. “It’s frequented by people who tend to have a rare appreciation for the beach,” Crum praises. “They pick up their own trash and don’t expect someone to clean up after them.”

The beach-goers, who range from teens to senior citizens, all give each other a wide berth. There’s plenty of spare sand to avoid sitting on top of one another--another major plus.

There’s no place to eat or even buy suntan lotion within walking distance, so coming to San Onofre requires good advance planning. But it’s a peaceful place to picnic.