In This Series, There’ll Be a Few Game Balls and a Lot of Oddballs

Game 1:

The Forum is filled with 17,000 people, 4,000 of whom have their own sitcom, 2,000 of whom have dated Jerry Buss, 3,500 of whom are wearing sunglasses indoors, 1,500 of whom say they have slept with Warren Beatty or Joan Collins, 3,000 of whom have never read a book, 1,000 of whom are wearing razor blades around their neck, 1,250 of whom have seen the Lakers play before, 500 of whom say they have slept with Warren Beatty and Joan Collins, 243 of whom can afford courtside tickets, and 7 who have seen a hockey game.

The National Anthem is sung by a punk group called Cooked Sushi. It goes: “Oh, oh, say, can you see, little mama, by the dawn’s early light, oh that funky light, what so proudly we hail, baby, baby, by the twilight’s last gleaming.”

The Boston Celtics take the floor, Robert Parish on crutches, Kevin McHale with a cast on his foot, Larry Bird with all 10 fingers taped together, Dennis Johnson with a black-eye patch, and Danny Ainge with spiked hair, studded boots and a black leather jacket.

The Celtics win, 108-105, and Red Auerbach lights up a fresh El Repugno, but the Celtics say afterward that they have a whole lot of really bad injuries and might not be able to play Game 2.

Game 2:

The Forum is filled with 17,000 people, 14,000 of whom have made dinner reservations for 8:30 and intend to keep them.

The National Anthem is sung by a rap group called Bleat L.A. It goes: “And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs burstin’ in air, came so close to his chair, gonna mess Pat Riley’s hair.”

Minutes into the game, Magic Johnson is fouled hard by Parish, punches him in the nose, throws the basketball at him, hits him with a left to the temple, a right to the cheek, kicks him in his sprained ankle and says: “No more Mr. Nice Guy.” You can see this has the potential to be a rough series.

The Lakers win, 118-98, then drink victory wine coolers.

Game 3:

The Boston Garden is filled with 15,000 people, 4,000 of whom have their shirts off, 2,000 of whom use deodorant, 1,500 of whom can pronounce Michael Dukakis, 6,000 of whom hang around Larry Bird’s house like it’s Graceland, 1,250 of whom lost money on Marvin Hagler, 237 of whom talk like Ted Kennedy, and 13 of whom think Sam Malone really pitched for the Red Sox.

The National Anthem is played by the Boston Pops, with 101 violins and a triangle.

Bird gets 53 points, 21 rebounds, 19 assists, 12 steals, 8 blocks and 17 phone numbers on the bench from Boston secretaries, but is disgusted with himself because he is still no Dennis Rodman. Also, the Celtics lose the game, 156-155, in triple overtime, blaming injuries.

Game 4:

The Garden is 137 degrees, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is forced to play with goggles and an oxygen mask. Magic Johnson goes 48 minutes and finishes the game with a triple double and weighing 117 pounds.

The Lakers win, 105-99, but lose Michael Cooper for the rest of the series from a terrible ear infection caused by sitting too close to the press table and listening to Celtic broadcaster Johnny Most.

Game 5:

The Garden is 31 degrees with a wind-chill of minus-7 as the Celtics try new tactics. Kevin McHale doubts that the temperature will have any affect on the outcome, but is still worried by the fact that no player in the Boston lineup has been healthy since 1983.

The National Anthem is sung by Tommy Heinsohn and the Croak Tones. It goes: “Oh, say, do those championship banners wa-a-a-a-ave, o’er the floor of the green, and the home of my favorite team.”

The Celtics tie the score with two seconds to play when they get six offensive rebounds without drawing a foul and Ainge hits a three-pointer and Magic gets a technical foul for delay of game and Abdul-Jabbar gets a technical foul for illegal defense and Riley gets a technical foul for illegal anything the referees can think of, for a six-point play. Parish pulls out a blackjack and knocks Kurt Rambis unconscious, but the referees don’t see it. Rambis is called for traveling.

Greg Kite goes to the line with one second remaining with a chance to win the game. He misses two free throws, but the referees give him six more chances to make two, and he succeeds.

Game 6:

The Forum is filled with 17,000 fans, 17,000 of whom avoided the freeway gridlock by leaving early in the morning, due to CBS-TV’s 8:30 a.m. starting time. CBS executives say they wish they didn’t have to start the game so early, but they want to be sure the game runs in the all-important 11:30 a.m. time slot in New York, opposite Oprah.

The National Anthem is danced by Singin’ Barry.

Bill Walton comes off the bench early in the first half to give Boston a quality 15 seconds. He is replaced by Fred Roberts, who looks OK until he spots Janet Leigh in the crowd, then follows her into the locker-room shower.

Magic Johnson gets 45 points to Larry Bird’s 43, and thanks Bird afterward for having a slightly off game so that he can be named MVP. The Lakers win, 120-118, to take the series four games to two, after which Abdul-Jabbar announces that he plans to retire either in two years or when the Dodgers make a good trade, whichever comes first.

Red Auerbach, caught smoking in Beverly Hills, is sentenced to 150 hours of community service and 200 hours of breathing his own air.