They’d Better Post Up and Pin It Down

When you shoot at a king, make sure you kill him.

When you get three aces, make sure you bet them.

When you get your man on the ropes in a title fight, throw the right.

When you hit the stretch in the Kentucky Derby with a lead, go to the whip.

When you get a lap lead at Indy, turn up the boost.

When you get a three-foot putt in the Open, make it.

When you get to set-and-match-point, go to the net.

And when you get the Boston Celtics down 3 games to 1 in the championship finals, go to the hoop, hit the backboards, trot out the three-pointers. Go for the jugular. Drive a stake into their chests.

Don’t try to smuggle the thing into the hangar. Don’t stand around waiting for the next guy. Don’t be “patient.” Patience is for guys who drive camels for a living.

When you got the Celtics in execution position, throw the switch. Get the ball to Magic. Don’t sit Abdul-Jabbar down a whole quarter. Don’t sit him down a whole minute while the Celtics are just hanging on, looking up at the clock, hoping for the bell.

I never thought I’d see a Celtic team that would seem to have its back to the wall with a 16-point lead. A Celtic team that would dread a fourth quarter. Yet, here they were, like a fighter who’s built up a big lead but is running out of gas and trying not to get knocked out in the final minutes.

But the Lakers kept waiting for them to fall. The Celtics would disintegrate as usual in the fourth quarter. Those old bones would begin to creak, their mouths would fall open, they would begin to pant, limp, gasp. They kept waiting for their throats to rattle.

The fourth quarter has become such a haunted house for Boston in this series that even network announcers who should have known better reacted hysterically, as if the Celtics had blown their chances because they were leading only 96-77 going into the final 12 minutes.

Now, ordinarily, teams leading by 19 with only one quarter to play can put that thing in the hangar with subs.

The fourth quarter used to belong to the Celtics.

But, more than the Celtics have changed. The game has changed.

Basketball used to be played on the floor. Now, it’s played in the air. It’s played by competing identified flying objects. It’s a dogfight. In the air over the trenches. They’ve taken the infantry out of this war.

When Joe Fulks, or whoever, first unveiled the jump shot 40 years ago, he probably never envisioned a game that would take place 20 feet in the air from then on.

It’s depressing for those of us old characters who remember when there was a center jump after every basket. I mean, we barely get used to “three to make two” and they take that out of the game.

We’re forever saying in some dismay “But didn’t he walk? “ when some guy takes off at the top of the key--or even half court--and somehow gets that ball to the basket without once dribbling it.

As Bobby Jones once said of Jack Nicklaus’ golf: “It is a game with which those of us who used to play it are not familiar.”

What, pray tell, is a loose ball foul? You committed a foul in our day, somebody went to the line.

In a way, I was kind of hoping that the Lakers would win Thursday and take the game out of here. That’s another thing I can’t get used to. Basketball, and it’s almost July.

But, that’s not all. Someday, somebody’s going to have to explain to me precisely what a high post is. I get a headache just thinking about it.

I’ve put it off long enough. I try to look smart when someone says to me, “Kareem is posting up on him!” I try not to look miserable.

I nod and agree but it just looks to me as if Kareem is standing there, hands on knees, trying to catch his breath. But, hey! if he’s posting up, somebody better do something about it, right?

Of course, I don’t know what a low post is, either. The opposite of a high post obviously. A guy is catching his breath at the other end of the key.

Key itself is a term I’ve finally gotten comfortable with. Except that, as soon as I did, they started to call it the paint. Would you believe they didn’t have a three-second violation when I learned the game? You could take a chair in the paint if you wanted to.

What’s a half-court game? (Or half-caught, as Tommy Heinsohn pronounces it.) For that matter, what’s a transition game?

What’s boxing out? I thought that was when you bet three or more horses nine ways in an exacta at the track.

You want me to explain what a pick-and-roll or a give-and-go is? Hah!

What’s the difference between a slam dunk and a jam? What’s the difference between a fast break and an ordinary series of passes and runs up court? Is there a slow break and I don’t know it? Isn’t every pass an outlet pass?

I’m glad to see the hook shot back. At least I can relate to it--even though I thought it went out with Hooks Houbregs.

Well, as you can see, the Lakers didn’t let us off the hook Thursday. We’re going to have to go through at least one more game with Magic posting up in the paint or Bird trying to box him out in the transition--or the half-court--game or maybe trying to get a board.

What ever happened to the two-hand set shot, the simple layup, the travel call? When is the game going to come back to earth? Or call it a season?

If the Lakers get the Celtics in the coffin early today, I’ll thank them to nail it shut so that we’re well out of this strange game--for a few months at least.