Boston Sportswriter Leaves Red Sox in Shreds

The Dodgers and Angels sometimes are less than thrilled by what they read in the local press, but it could be worse. They could be in Boston. Here’s how Mike Barnicle of the Boston Globe carved up the Red Sox the other day:

--On Manager John McNamara: “He has all the imagination of a haddock sandwich. Want to know why he wears gloves in the dugout? It’s because he doesn’t want to leave any fingerprints on the corpse he’s managing.”

--On Jim Rice: “Pass the bon-bons. Twenty pounds overweight. Plays field like Donna Rice. World’s highest-paid singles hitter. Massachusetts license plate: 5-4-3.”

--On reliever Steve Crawford: “It’s in his contract that before he is summoned in a tense situation, the club must have someone proficient in the Heimlich maneuver standing close by.”

Barnicle’s final words: “Stick a fork in ‘em, baby. Like Ollie North and Admiral Poindexter, the Red Sox will take the fifth in the American League East.”

If you can’t afford the Jane Fonda cassette, here are the fitness secrets of 48-year-old Phil Niekro, as told to Jeff Schultz of Knight-Ridder Newspapers:

--On sleep: “When I’m tired, I go to sleep. When my eyes open, I get up.”

--On eating: “I eat when I’m hungry.”

--On exercise: “I don’t go near the weight room, and I despise running.”

Trivia Time: What three current players have each totaled 100 runs batted in for a season in both leagues? (Answer to follow.)

According to Hubert Mizell of the St. Petersburg Times, Indiana basketball Coach Bob Knight told a group of Kansas high school players, “Compared to a gathering of sportswriters, this is like a gathering of nuclear physicists.”

Mizell: “I seem to recall that Knight, during the NCAA tournament, wrote a syndicated newspaper column.”

If you watch the Michael Spinks-Gerry Cooney replay on TV tonight, Wallace Matthews of Newsday says, “Notice the tremendous size difference between the fighters at the opening introductions. Then, notice how Cooney’s advantage magically disappears once the bell rings. That’s because of trainer Victor Valle’s orders to Cooney to ‘get low.’

“Said Larry Holmes: ‘Why would you want your fighter to give away an advantage like that? A target is easily hit if it’s even with you. You don’t tell Wilt Chamberlain to get down to 5-6 to dunk a basketball, do you? Boxing is common sense, that’s all it is.’ ”

Add Matthews: “To lend credibility to the coming Tony Tucker-Mike Tyson bout, promoter Don King had a red velvet, bejeweled crown, like something out of a margarine commercial, made up for presentation to the winner. But Tyson apparently felt it was fit more for a queen than a king.

“ ‘It looks too small for my head, so I probably won’t wear it,’ Tyson said. ‘I’ll give it to my girlfriend.’

“King wouldn’t say how much the crown was worth but did point out that it was being guarded at all times by two Pinkerton security guards. But the street-smart Tyson noted, ‘They don’t even have any guns!’ ”

Trivia Answer: Bill Buckner, Ted Simmons and Dave Winfield.

Quotebook

Nose tackle Ruben Carter, on his retirement from the Denver Broncos: “The thing that really sealed it was getting chosen to play in an old-timers’ game--and I hadn’t even retired yet.”