Basketball’s Intangibles: They Really Add Up

With the National Basketball Assn. season starting up, everyone is joining a “rotisserie league.” You get together with your office pals or drinking buddies, hold an imaginary draft of all the league’s players, and start keeping a running score, based on the nightly performance of each of your players--points, rebounds, etc.

However, some things don’t show up in a box score. There are the all-important intangibles. Therefore, my rotisserie league has added a bonus system. Points are awarded for the following feats (point value in parenthesis):

1. Your guy is: Late for the team bus (1); misses the team bus entirely (5); hijacks the bus and holds the team hostage as leverage in a salary dispute (25).

2. He signs: A big shoe contract (for big money, not for big shoes) (5); a big movie contract (5); an autograph legibly (25).

3. He breaks into the starting lineup of the all-the team, which now consists of the Dream, the Glide, the Human Highlight Film, the Big Fella and the Round Mound of Rebound (10).

4. He displays supreme cool by: Holding Michael Jordan to 40 points (5); holding Michael Jordan to 30 points (10); using Michael Jordan’s tongue to wet postage stamps (25).

5. Five bonus points for every visible piece of equipment he wears beyond the minimum of goggles, headband, wristbands, forearm bands, knee pads and dangling waistband ties on his shorts.

6. Your player won’t leave home without: His American Excess card (1); his diet guru (5); a subpoena (10).

7. Musically inclined, he: Sings in the shower (1); plays caxophone in the shower (5); co-stars in a rock video with Madonna, Prince or Willie Nelson (10).

8. Making a fashion statement, he: Gets his hair permed (1); has his hair trimmed in the shape of a Mercedes-Benz logo (5); grows a goatee like Robert Bork’s (10).

9. He jumps the team in mid-season to play ball: In Italy (1); in the Philippines (5); in Hugh Hefner’s driveway (25).

10. He: Donates part of his salary to the homeless (1); donates part of his salary to buy tickets for kids (2); spends his entire season’s salary hiring an artist to chisel his likeness next to those other guys on Mount Rushmore (20).

11. He shows up for a game wearing: One Nike and one Adidas (1); two left shoes (5); two left feet (10).

12. He announces that: He has legally changed his name to something exotic, such as World B. or Marvelous Mike (5); he has legally changed his name to something really exotic, such as Magnum P.I. (10); he has legally changed his name to something truly freaky, such as Bill (25).

13. Bonus points for every parent of his who is older than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (1); for every grandparent of his who is older than Kareem (5).

14. He is referred to as a “vicious, cheap-shot thug” by: An opponent (1); a teammate (5); a Hell’s Angel (10); his mom (25).

15. He is named to the all-seven dwarfs team, which now consists of Sleepy (Floyd), Kiki (Vandeweghe), Geeter (McGee), Doc (Rivers), Spud (Webb), Mugsy (Bogues) and Fat (Lever) (5).

16. Five points if his salary per game is higher than the minimum full-season salary in the National Football League, combined with the average signing bonus for a rookie Pennsylvania coal miner.

17. He has his own: Signature-model shoe (1); line of sportswear (5); NBA team (10).

18. His name is mentioned: By Run DMC or the Beastie Boys in a rap song (1); by Howard Cosell in a name-dropping frenzy (5); by Walter Davis in courtroom testimony (25).

19. He shows up late for a game, explaining: He had a flat tire (1); he overslept (1); he was kidnapped by aliens who took him aboard their UFO and wouldn’t release him until he convinced them that he wasn’t really Robert Bork (25).

20. He reveals that he spends his spare time watching: Soap operas (2); professional women’s wrestling (5); highlight films of himself (10).

21. He gets his picture on: The cover of Sports Illustrated (1); boxes of Wheaties (5); milk cartons (10).

22. He invents a new name for his shot, such as “Bill’s Thrill” (1); he invents a new shot for his name, such as Little Doc’s Sink the Rock, Beat the Clock, Get Outta Hock, Kiss My Sock Jumper Supreme (10).