Lil in Laguna: Not Alone in Dislike of Being Alone

“Lonely in Laguna”--Lil for short--wrote a letter published in Single Life last Friday along with an interview. Calls and letters have been coming in since.

Lil is an athletic, attractive 61, a mother of four grown sons, a resident of Leisure World in Laguna Hills since October. Five years ago, her husband of 38 years died of degenerative heart disease.

Although she has made some adjustments to widowhood, and had one long, unfulfilling relationship with a man she described as “charming and a lot of fun (but) an alcoholic,” Lil said she often felt lonely, “in a sad place.” She spoke with great candor and wit about her desire to find love again, even though “most of the nice men my age are married, and the ones that aren’t don’t want women their own age. They want women a great deal younger.”

Still, she refuses to “just dry up and blow away”--or to resign herself, as she sees other women her age doing, to life without romantic partnership.

“I think because I had a long and happy marriage, I’m just not content to be alone,” she said. “I hear an awful lot of women say things like, ‘I’m happy with my own company. I cook myself a nice meal every night. I enjoy my solitude. Now I have a chance to read and do the things I like to do.’

“They seem to be enjoying their independence,” Lil said. “I would cheerfully trade all this independence for companionship.”

One of the first calls was from Lorene, 63, who lives in San Clemente. In a voice thick with emotion, Lorene said that her husband of almost 40 years “dropped dead of a massive heart attack on the golf course” in October. “It was the shock of my life.”

Too soon for her to imagine another relationship--or even a date--Lorene still identified with Lil’s predicament.

“My husband was a wonderful, healthy, vibrant man. ‘A giver in the world of takers,’ is how it was said in his eulogy. The feeling I have is that I’ve probably had the only chance of meeting somebody like that. I feel it’s a real impossibility to come across someone like that again.

“Lil wonders what’s out there for her; well, so do I,” Lorene said. “There’s a very definite fear of the future. Is there going to be a real future for me? Will I have an interest? That may sound a little bit broad, but when you have a husband, he’s your center. He’s your future. I lost that, and I’m just trying to figure out what kind of a life I will have now.”

A Leisure World resident named Irving sent along a copy of a letter he wrote to Leisure World News, a weekly newspaper distributed within the retirement community, suggesting the formation of a singles club.

“My own experience as a very new widower confirms the story (about Lil) in general,” Irving wrote. “However, I do not believe that older men prefer young women to those of their own age. The problem is that there are no singles programs within Leisure World.”

A divorced El Toro man, who said he was 60 years old and asked that his name not be used, also called to “confirm” Lil’s experience.

“I went to one (seniors) dance, and I couldn’t believe it,” he said, laughing. “I thought all the people looked like they had one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. I feel like there are a lot of women around, but where do you go to meet them? I don’t drink, and it’s like Lil said--if you go to bars you’re just going to meet a bunch of drunks.”

Dear Single Life,

The article on Lil really struck a note for me! I’m 70, but I look about 60, and I’m very young at heart. I used to out-ski all the 18-year-olds on the hill when I was 52. (I learned to ski at 50.) I had to give up skiing because of arthritis in my hip, but I haven’t given up dancing, jazzercise and walking.

Most of my friends say, “You’re never home! I don’t see how you can go out so much!” Of course, most of them have husbands to keep them company. They don’t understand.

I’m taking a tap class, a class in West Coast swing and a French conversation class. But I get very lonely, too. And I’ve about made up my mind that there is NO man out there for me. I’m not 24, and I’m independent. I could no longer tolerate a man who tells you when to breathe and when not to breathe, as most of them are inclined to do.

Please tell Lil we have a dance at Mission Viejo Country Club on Thursday nights, and tell her we have a little singles group that has just started meeting at the San Juan Depot on Wednesday nights.

Like Lil, I am so fed up with women who tell me, “I enjoy my own company,” as if to imply that I must be lacking something because I like to be with people more than (they do)--much more. Yes, Lil is right: It’s almost as hard to find a woman friend as a man!

Amanda,

Dana Point

Dear Single Life,

I’d like Lil to know that she is not the only foxy, free-spirited senior citizen in Orange County.

Lil’s first mistake was moving into Seizure World, as some of us jokingly refer to Leisure World. . . . But the only gates in life are the ones we create for ourselves and only we hold the key to get out.

Lil has assets I never had. She had support systems, and she is a widow. Widows invite sympathy, they have an aura of respectability and nobody wonders what they did wrong to cause the marriage to end.

I had a long and unhappy marriage, and when I summoned up the courage to get out of it, I was over 50, overweight and overanxious. After four months of crying a lot I decided that nothing was going to happen to me between the refrigerator and the television set and I made up my mind to change. It took time and guts. But somehow a butterfly mushroomed and blossomed out of the caterpillar I was.

In my beginnings, I just started hanging out. . . . I am really rather shy, and I was further disadvantaged by a very proper English upbringing, but you can hang out anywhere from the Ritz-Carlton to the Swallows Inn in San Juan Capistrano. What have you got to lose except a little time? Would you like to hear about the charming Egyptian businessman I met when I was hanging out in the lobby in a businessman’s hotel in Istanbul? If Danielle Steel would ghostwrite my book, it would be a blockbuster.

If anybody told me three years ago that I would travel alone to the places I have been to since I would have told them, “No way!” I always die a thousand deaths before I leave, but I do go. And in spite of the misadventures, I have never been sorry. You have to keep really living life. Anyway, foreign men don’t have the hang-ups about older women that American (men) do. I discovered the younger man/older woman bit long before it became trendy. Well, let’s say younger men discovered me once I got rid of the chronological number (age) in my head.

I am off to India on the 22nd. This trip is a bit more structured than some I’ve taken in the past, but I figured I had better go to India under some sort of umbrella--at least the first time.

Maureen,

San Clemente

Have your say, seniors

So, how about it, older men? You’ve taken it on the chin from some of Single Life’s female readers. Do you prefer younger women? If so, why--and do younger women prefer you? And if not, where have you been hiding?

Also, calling all older women who prefer life unencumbered by a man. Tell us why. Do you feel you are the exception or the rule?

Welcome to California

What’s Orange County like for non-natives? Sure, the weather’s great, but that’s only one precious part of our quality of life. How long have you been here and how do you rate the place? Is it tough to be single here?

Babymania

Attention all childless women heading for 40: Do you feel maternity calling? Have you considered going it alone--with a little help from a neighborhood sperm bank or an understanding friend? Are children on your wish list?

We want to know about your thoughts and experiences. Send your comments to Single Life, Orange County Life, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include a phone number so a reporter can call you. To protect your privacy, Single Life does not publish correspondents’ last names.