Soviet Festival in San Diego

We fans of the FBI are delighted to see the agency poke its snoot into the San Diego Soviet arts festival (“Soviet Festival Spy Warnings Anger San Diego Mayor,” Part I, Feb. 15). That will be a great opportunity for it to enlarge its activities and increase its budget.

We can’t have too much FBI because the bigger the FBI, the smaller the armed forces.

But that’s another story. What I want to do here is help the people of San Diego help the FBI deal with this festival.

First off, you have to realize that just because FBI agents can’t fiddle like Paganini, hop like Pavlova or tickle the ivories like Rachmaninoff is no sign that KGB agents can’t. The fact is that I got it from Pat Robertson, who probably got it from God, that you have to be a world-class performer to get into the KGB. So you can just forget about becoming a KGB agent.

But you can become an FBI tipster. When you attend performances of those KGB agents go right up to the stage and ask them how old they are and report it to the FBI. If you see one of those characters loose on the street, call the FBI.

The last thing you want to do is take one of those KGB agents into your home. They are experts. They’ll worm every last shred of top-secret information out of you and you won’t feel a thing.

That’s because you are so damn stupid you don’t know you shouldn’t risk giving valuable information to the KGB.

If one of your neighbors takes in one of those agents, keep the FBI fully informed about what goes on in that Commie household for the rest of your life.

Most important, remember this: Be paranoid at all times and totally uncooperative. If a stranger asks you how to get to the zoo give him directions to the FBI office.

ALEXANDER M. MOOD

Irvine