Live From Anaheim, a Big-Screen Review

You just have to see the new Anaheim Stadium scoreboard system. Talk about your big-screen TVs--this one’s the size of Sections 203 and 205.

Of course, the missus and I would like to go the big-screen route one day. But finding room in our apartment for a 35,000-pound color board presents a bit of a decorating challenge. I mean, do we move the stereo speakers to the den or just push the living room couch over a scooch?

But that’s our problem. Your problem is deciding whether watching this state-of-the-art Sony Jumbotron is worth also watching the heretofore state-of-depression Angels.

Let’s face it, this hasn’t exactly been a banner week for the Angels. They lose two out of three to the Chicago White Sox and that feared rotation of Rick Horton, Jack McDowell and Dave LaPoint. On Thursday, a potential game-winning Angel rally is cut short because Wally Joyner was caught performing wrestling holds on shortstop Ozzie Guillen during a ninth-inning double play attempt. The next night, in front of an embarrassed Jumbotron and the largest opening day crowd in Anaheim Stadium history, the Angels lose to Storm Davis ( Storm Davis? ) and the Oakland Athletics, 8-2. This, with A’s slugger Mark McGwire on the bench for six innings, nursing a beanball lump. Then on Saturday, McGwire hit a three-run homer in the top of the ninth to beat the Angels, 8-6.

But at least we have Jumbotron and the whole $5.3-million Anaheim Stadium scoreboard family, which includes a pair of black-and-white matrix boards and four auxiliary boards. That old sepia scoreboard? Gone.

You remember good ol’ sepia. It was like watching your grandfather’s Philco, but worse. Replays were exercises in squinting. You never knew if that was Dick Schofield making a spectacular play at shortstop or an ad for Toyota. Modern technology? The cotton gin had more going for it.

Jumbotron is different. Jumbotron is the greatest invention since the heart-lung machine. Jumbotron I like. Then again, I like fried carp. So in fairness, I thought it only right to offer two enlightened viewpoints, those of movie critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert (movie critics . . . big screen critics--close enough).

Gene and Rog are in town for the Academy Awards. Since we’re close personal friends, I asked them to stop by the ballyard for a scoreboard looksee. They agreed. Like I said, they’re great guys. Anyway, I took some notes from their conversation.

Rog: “Enough with the cinnamon rolls, already. Let’s review the Jumbotron.”

Gene: “What’s there to review? It’s a scoreboard, not Bergman.”

“Humor me.”

“Hey, I’ve read your stuff. Believe me, I’ve humored you for years.”

“Have not.”

“Have so.”

“Not.”

“So.”

“Now stop that. Seriously, what do you think of the Sony Jumbotron?”

“I think someone screwed up, because it says Panasonic under the scoreboard.”

“OK, so Gene gives it a thumbs down for advertising savvy while I found the whole name snafu naive and refreshing. Thumbs up.”

“What a pencil head you are.”

“Am not.”

“Am so.”

“Anyway, here comes a batter. Isn’t that . . . why, yes, it’s Bob Redford. He was in ‘The Natural,’ a film I felt wandered from Bernard Malamud’s original intentions. A film . . . “

“That’s not Redford, you imbecile. That’s Bob Boone.”

“Bob’s not doing real well, is he? The scoreboard says he’s hitting .022 after 45 at-bats.”

“That’s impossible. They’ve played fewer than five games. Uh, oh.”

“That’s right, Gene: Two thumbs down for statistical preparation.”

“How about those mug shots they flash on the board when each batter comes up?”

“Those are mug shots? I thought they were publicity stills from ‘Alf.’ ”

“Again, Gene and I are in total agreement. We both feel the mug shots could use some assistance. Maybe a nice makeup artist would be helpful. Thumbs down, then, to the portrait attempts.”

“Rog, there’s a line drive to Chili Davis in right field. He looks like he has it . . . no, he doesn’t . . . he overran it. What, no replay?”

“Thumbs up here, Gene. A replay in this instance would demean the player and draw attention to an isolated incident.”

“You obviously didn’t see the Chicago series. I think you’re totally wrong on this one. You’ve got to show all the plays--good and bad.”

“Well, at least they got rid of that insidious clap-your-hands graphic. I can’t stand being told how to react.”

“Uh, Rog . . . “

“Thumbs down on the clapping hands, Gene.”

“Agreed.”

“Now for the all-important scoreboard test, the one thing that can establish credibility to the modern scoreboard, the film equivalent of adding Nicholson and Streep to your cast.”

“Dot races, Rog?”

“You got it.”

“Wait, there it is--the first running of the Angel Dot Derby. Oh, this is heaven. Double thumbs up to Jumbotron.”

“You’re so right, Rog; the best thing since Howard Hawks came west. Now how about another one of those cinnamon rolls?”