Don’t Look Now, but Bowa’s Book Is a Five-Letter Word

Larry Bowa’s in town, so today I would like to write a little something about Larry’s new book. The frisky little manager of the San Diego Padres has had his biography published, and since I just sped-read the thing, I would very much like to review it for you.

But, I can’t.

In fact, I can’t even mention the title.

Oh, I suppose that I could write about the book itself, allowing it to remain nameless. Inform you that it is 293 pages long, costs $15.95, and is printed in real large black type.

I won’t, though, because I do not believe that a fair job of book reviewing can be done when you cannot even refer to the name of the book.

Maybe I should explain. Even if I shouldn’t, I’m going to anyway. So tough.

The title of Bowa’s bio happens to be a word that a) is not in the dictionary, and b) is no longer permitted for use in this newspaper, by decree from my boss.

It is a 5-letter word that begins with the letter B.

Hey, wait a minute--maybe it is in the dictionary. Better check.

Aha. Page 187, American Heritage Dictionary, College Edition, right between bleed and blemish.

A brief, high-pitched sound, as from an electronic device. To blip. (Imit.)

You would think that I could write this word with a B followed by four hyphens, but my boss doesn’t permit me to do that anymore, either. Even with an Imit word.

See, we are cracking down on vulgarity, the use of which is so commonplace these days that the most vulgar--vulgarest?--word of all can now be heard in PG-rated movies. We are trying to keep profanity out of the paper as much as possible, and, like a waitress in a diner, we allow no substitutions.

The title of Bowa’s book is a commonly used substitute for swearing. It is a harmless little word, it seems to me, and a multi-purpose little bugger at that.

The (Imit.) stands for imitative, and that’s what this word is. Let’s look up imitative now. “Of, or involving imitation. Not original. Derivative.”

Heck, that’s not a definition. That’s my resume.

Larry Bowa and his co-author, Barry Bloom, who also is two 5-letter words beginning with B, decided to give their book its name because the Padre manager tends to use the sort of language that would make a real-life padre blush.

So as to keep the tome a little cleaner for kiddies than, say, one of those foul-mouthed books by Harold Robbins or Jackie Collins or John Feinstein, the authors decided to use the infamous B-word.

Bowa’s salty tongue gets him into trouble sometimes, but he preferred not to reprint the words he actually used, and he did not want to leave the reader with a lot of guesswork by leaving a lot of letters blank, partially because he did not want to be confused with Pat Sajak.

The B-word appears in the fourth sentence of the first chapter. On Pages 6 and 7, it appears in four out of five paragraphs. On Page 11, it appears three times in two sentences.

All I can say is, I hope little children won’t read this book and go around the house using the B-word all day. Parents, this Bowa guy could be a very bad example.

Boy, if only I could use this word, just to emphasize my point. But, I can’t. My boss is very strict. He says I can’t use Bowa’s B-word, and I can’t use Sajak’s blank letters, and I can’t use Richard Nixon’s “expletive deleted,” and I can’t use the Federal Communications Commission’s “censored,” and I can’t even use the Beetle Bailey comic strip’s “!%!*&!”

I can’t say dirty words, and I can’t say replacement dirty words.

Well, sorry, Larry. Sure would like to say a few words about your book. Even clean words.

I’d like to say that I think it’s about time that a lifetime .260 hitter with 15 major league home runs wrote his biography.

I’d like to say that I think it’s about time that a man who has managed in the majors for one season, with a record of 65-97, wrote his biography.

I’d particularly like to talk about the part where one of your pitchers, Eric Show, gets angry at a sportswriter who blasted him after Show’s beaning of Andre Dawson, and says of the writer, “He’s an amoeba brain with cerebral ague and mental vertigo.”

Now, that’s what I call use of the English language.

Show could have told the guy to go get “a brief high-pitched sound, as from an electronic device.”

But, Eric Show doesn’t talk dirty. Even if he is two 4-letter words.

Larry, best of luck with the book. I’m putting it in my home library, right next to Graig Nettles’ book. Hope you do half as well as Graig did.

You know which book I mean.

Five-letter word, starts with B. You know. The things your players play with.