Read All About It on the Sports Page--or in the Stars

Astrology has been the victim of some cheap shots lately, mostly delivered by intellectual elitists whose planets got up on the wrong side of the solar system.

This is unfair. Astrology has been around a long time, and it has been scientifically proven to be more accurate than Chinese fortune cookies. And less filling.

It may be worth noting that the only close Presidential adviser over the last few years who has not been indicted, scandalized or hounded out of office by the First Lady is an astrologer. Then again, it may not.

Maybe we should be more open-minded about this serious science, which is based on the study of a bunch of funny animals plucked out of the heavens by cavemen doing the first dot-to-dot drawings.

I have been studying the astrological charts for the past couple of weeks and I have noticed an almost eerie pattern of accuracy, not just in my own sign but in the horoscopes of famous sports people.

Take the following recent examples of horoscope readings. Please. See if you don’t agree that the stars can offer important insights into our personalties and life choices. In parentheses I have noted a famous sports person who falls, or at least staggers, under each particular sign:

--Capricorn (Billy Martin). A favorable time to look inside yourself, but it’s better not to do so through gaping head wounds.

Try to stay out of topless joints, including Yankee Stadium. If your profession or your thirst require you to be in such places, however, try not to take offense at innocent remarks directed at you regarding Saturn, Jupiter or Uranus.

Accept it as a compliment, as surely it will be so intended, if a stranger in a washroom tells you, “I love it when you talk to me like that.”

Take it as a sign you’ve had too much to drink when two guys throwing you out of a bar ask the owner where the back door is, and being told there isn’t a back door, they ask the owner, “Where would you like one?”

Your veracity may be called to question by a bunch of jerky sportswriters. When bragging that you would be willing to take a lie-detector test, make sure nobody has a tape-recorder running, in case you later opt to claim you have been quoted out of context.

Be aware that, in times of trouble, your boss stands behind you. Be aware that his right foot is poised like that of a field-goal kicker.

Remember, you’re only young once: Let the good times roll. This week, stucco is not your best surface.

--Aries (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar). Your planets have entered a holding pattern over LAX. Also, your moon is rising. Or is that your head? Just kidding.

Co-workers and millions of onlookers are depending on you to show leadership, lest a current project be terminated well before its completion. You will be traveling soon, but if you’re lucky, the officials won’t notice it.

Reach for the stars, and while you’re up there, pluck off a rebound or two.

--Leo (Pete Rose). Born under the sign of Leo Durocher, you have a tendency to overreact when push comes to shove.

Relax, take a few weeks off. Ease your social guilt with a sizable charitable contribution.

--Scorpio (Cookie Rojas). Pluto will be entering your house this week. Goofy and Mickey might drop by, also, thanks to your house’s proximity to Disneyland.

Speaking of Pluto and Goofy, be advised to let sleeping dogs lie, unless they happen to be sleeping and lying when they should be hitting and running. Avoid making phone calls, especially to your bullpen.

--Gemini (Bo Jackson, Bo Jackson). Friends on the West Coast are thinking fondly of you, missing you dearly, and counting on you to pay them a visit come autumn, so don’t disappoint.

This is no time to make a snap career decision. If in a quandary, continue on present course while you mull it over during the next decade.

--Taurus (George Steinbrenner). Born under the sign of the bull’s residue, you tend to try to reshape public opinion the way Mike Tyson reshapes opponents’ faces. Try to avoid delivering public statements that make you come off sounding like a blustery, tyrannical buffoon. Do this by wearing a steel deep-sea-diver’s helmet at all times as a subtle reminder, and suggest the same for key underlings.

Take a hard look at your interpersonal relationships, then try to forget what you’ve just seen.

--Aquarius (Howard Cosell). A former associate will accuse you of a social atrocity, such as, oh, let’s say something like maybe drinking too many cocktails and throwing up on Dandy Don Meredith’s cowboy boots during a “Monday Night Football” telecast.

Pay no mind to such innuendo and dyspeptic gossip mongering, because quite frankly, you are the greatest, my friend, a truly insightful and brilliant master of rapier-like repartee, not regurgitation. Your critics are a pack of no-talent, envy-ridden vermin who couldn’t carry your jock, your paycheck, your cerebellum or your cigar, to say nothing of your ego.

Once again, a bad week to get a haircut.