RESTAURANT REVIEW : Despite Grandiose Expectations, Val’s Falls Short

Restaurant reviewers are generally considered cranky, overcritical and heartless, the meter maids, as it were, of the eating public. Actually, we do not set out to impugn every establishment in our path. In fact, much like other people, all we really want is something good to eat.

There are a number of reasons why this critic had high hopes for Val’s. To begin with, I’d heard that Val’s was built at a cost of $2 million, which, although no guarantee of quality, seems a serous commitment--a happy alternative to Baroni’s Family Restaurant and the Gothic Magic Castle Steakhouse. And although I have to admit I was a little taken aback that Val’s calls itself “The World’s Most Beautiful Restaurant,” I nevertheless hoped it was true.

I’m not sure what the world’s most beautiful restaurant is supposed to look like, but Val’s self-appraisal doesn’t strike me as accurate. Set in a stark, white stucco building, windows are framed with post-modern pilasters and triangular pediments; flanking the front door are four imposing columns. Inside, through the elegant lobby, there’s a huge atrium with columns, marble counters, a group of huge sepia-toned parchment paintings of huge vessels on one wall, and a chandelier the size of a Volvo. Val’s most resembles the dining room of a grand hotel or a casino gaming room . . . only bigger. But the structure itself is somehow cooler and starker than such places--more reminiscent of a huge, austere church or mausoleum.

Decorative flora include full-grown ficus trees and Gargantuan funereal flower displays. The atmosphere is formal, and very solemn. Our fellow diners are in business suits and dark, conservative dresses, as if eating here is very serious business. It’s all a little grandiose for us, but we’ve come for dinner, not to argue aesthetics. And besides, some people--perhaps those who think Forest Lawn Cemetery is the world’s most beautiful cemetery and Caesars Palace the world’s most beautiful casino--may find Val’s the World’s Most Beautiful Restaurant.

Huge Table

Three of us are seated at a table abutting a marble ledge in the main atrium dining room. Once our napkins are in our laps, our chairs scooched up as far as they’ll go, we look at each other with dismay. The table is so enormous, there is such a vast expanse between us, we already miss each other’s company. The chairs are elegant and comfortable, and it’s a pity that we never get to enjoy them, for we spend the evening on the edges of our seats, craning forward trying to hear each other. We don’t fit here: We’re the wrong size; we feel diminished, Lilliputian. This is a room designed for giants, or for a new, out-sized breed of Californian yet to evolve.

Although the service is attentive, the food does nothing to make us more comfortable. Val’s serves what some call “hotel food,” a modern, toned-down version of Continental Cuisine, food that relies heavily on flourish and the transience of its eaters. In a word, it’s terrible. The pastas are gummy and clumped together; the pheasant pate comes swimming in a strange marmalade-type substance. The Caesar salad is made with iceberg lettuce and boxed croutons; the house vinaigrette, which appears on various salads and appetizers, is an oily, salty paste of ground, sun-dried tomatoes.

Entrees and Desserts

Entrees and desserts follow suit. The duck breast is overcooked and livery, the veal medallions with a morel sauce look and taste like veal in a molasses and raisin sauce. The whitefish in beurre blanc, though unremarkable, is by far the best dish we tasted. Hot plates are garnished with fresh watercress and basil, which arrive at the table in a sorry state of wilt. The creme brulee and creme caramel seem to be the identical curiously gluey substance, except the brulee comes on a plate, and the caramel comes in a custard cup. The creme brulee is served cold, its once-caramelized top soggy.

Had I not been doing a job, I would not have returned to Val’s for lunch; indeed, my companions at dinner politely declined when I asked them to come along, too.

Fortunately, lunch was a little bit better. Sunlight streaming through the skylight chases off some of the room’s funereal pall. And it helps to find the place busier--not full, but bustling with professionals and NBC people, most of whom, one assumes, are on an expense account. Although I did have a nicely prepared, very fresh piece of salmon for an entree and my date had a good raspberry sorbet for dessert, other components of our $60 lunch are not worth mentioning.

Perhaps it may have been more tactful not to mention Val’s at all. But it’s hard to ignore an establishment that bills itself as “the World’s Most Beautiful Restaurant.” I certainly had to go there, just in case it was. And although some will prefer to judge Val’s for themselves, I do feel strongly that my experience there might be of some interest to a few members of the eating, not to mention the paying, public.

Val’s, 10130 Riverside Dr., Toluca Lake. (213) 272-8257. Open for lunch Monday-Friday; for dinner Monday-Saturday. Full bar. Valet parking. All major credit cards accepted. Dinner for two, food only, $70 to $90.