Championship Decided but Questions Remain

Perspiring minds want to know . . .

If Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is being paid $35,000 for that “I’m going to Disneyland” TV commercial, does his payoff also include free admission? On the Peter Pan ride, will Kareem cheer for Captain Hook? Will he bypass “It’s a Small World,” because to ride that one would be redundant? And will he skip the people mover because it would remind him of Bill Laimbeer?

Who were the unsung heroes of Game 7? How about game officials Earl Strom and Jake O’Donnell? They were arrogant, theatrical bordering on hotdoggish, but didn’t they call a clean game, and keep it under control?

What’s the second-best team in basketball? With all due respect to the Detroit Pistons--that’s something you say in sports when you’re about to say something totally disrespectful--wouldn’t a lot of votes, mine included, go to the Utah Jazz?

And wouldn’t the Jazz have had a lot better shot at upsetting the Lakers if there didn’t exist that strange, unexplained rift between Coach Frank Layden and benchbound superscorer Kelly Tripucka?

Speaking of Layden, was he maybe onto something when he labeled the Los Angeles fans the best in basketball? They generally don’t riot, loot and pillage as part of the postgame celebration, right? And even though this championship business is getting to be a regular thing, don’t you sense that local fans have a high level of enthusiasm and appreciation for the ballclub?

Outside of a prizefight decided by a phantom punch, has any big sports event inspired so many conspiracy and fix theories, not just among the general public, but also even among the coaches and players?

Are the Dodgers glad this hoop craziness is over? Didn’t they lose a few fans to the playoff games? And wasn’t it disconcerting to the Dodger ballplayers when the fans who did show up at the stadium, equipped with radios and mini-TVs tuned to the Lakers, would burst into wild cheering when nothing was happening on the diamond?

Would Pat Riley really leave the Lakers to go into TV? Whose place would he take--Billy Cunningham’s or Blake Carrington’s? Who would take Riley’s place? Rob Lowe?

What did Riles say after the game when asked about the rumors of his jump to TV land? Wasn’t it a one-word answer, something like bullwhip?

Isn’t there something we could do to get Dyan Cannon to come out of her shell?

Who has a larger musical repertoire? The Forum band or an organ grinder?

If Kareem is going to Disneyland, where is Magic Johnson going? Maybe to the Raiders’ Body Shop in El Segundo for a groin tuneup?

Has any team ever had a better fight song than the Lakers’ “We Love L.A.”? Shouldn’t Randy Newman, who wrote and recorded that love ballad, be given a Laker ring?

Isn’t it nice of Red Auerbach to declare Magic Johnson the greatest player in the history of basketball? Red didn’t make that declaration in those words, exactly, but hasn’t he always insisted Bill Russell was better than Wilt Chamberlain, and the greatest player of all time, because Bill’s teams won more titles?

And--follow along, logic fans--didn’t Red recently declare that Larry Bird is even greater than Russell? And doesn’t Magic have more championship rings than Bird? Thus, doesn’t Red have to declare for Magic, or else admit that he has been blowing smoke all these years?

If real microwaves were as reliable as Vinnie Johnson, wouldn’t we all be thawing out our TV dinners by campfire?

What were the Rev. Jesse Jackson and Al Davis discussing during their courtside chat at halftime Tuesday night? Does the Rev have a bad ankle?

Isn’t it true that Davis is a little steamed and miffed at suggestions that in extending medical assistance to Isiah Thomas, Al might be considered a traitor to L.A. sports fans? After all, Al will remind you, hasn’t he frequently professed his admiration and respect for the Lakers, particularly Magic and Kareem?

Will Al be a little steamed and miffed when he finds out next season that his Laker season seats have been moved from Forum courtside to Prairie Avenue curbside?

Why was this final series so clean and free of violence? Could it be that the Celtics have been the troublemakers all along?

Isn’t it time the NBA grew up and wised up and turned the finals into a neutral-court spectacle? What’s more important, giving one team a sizable advantage in the finals as a reward for having a nice regular season, or making the finals a fair test?

Isn’t Isiah Thomas pretty much set for life in terms of Raider T-shirts?

Aren’t the experts saying the Lakers can’t win again next season because they’re too old, too soft, too bench-weak, and, after winning a title, too complacent?

Isn’t this where we came in?