NFL Camps Need Break From Routine

The story, perhaps apocryphal, is still worth the telling. It involves a Dallas Cowboy rookie kicker from another era and another country. Let’s call him Toeny Baloney.

It seems that late one night, Toeny, lying awake in his bed in a Cal Lutheran dorm, had an uncontrollable urge for a pizza.

Toeny tiptoed out to his rental car, got in and took off for the bright lights of downtown Thousand Oaks.

Now being from a distant shore, where speed limits were virtually unheard of, Toeny casually leaned on the accelerator until he was pushing 100 miles per hour. That naturally drew the attention of a couple of Highway Patrol officers who quickly flagged down the speeding vehicle.

Unaware he had broken any laws, Toeny jumped out of his car and stomped over to the two officers behind the blinking lights.

Toeny did not have a great command of the English language at the time, but he knew enough to yell, “I am Toeny Baloney, Dallas Cowboys. DALLAS COWBOYS!!!”

One officer nodded and replied, “OK, we’ll let you go this time. But you can’t be driving over here like that. You understand?”

Toeny did not, but he smiled and nodded.

The officer indicated to the kicker that he could take off. Which Toeny did, once again at 100 miles per hour.

This time, Toeny was hauled into jail until he could be more fully apprised of the traffic laws in this strange, new country.

Unfortunately, with the official start of another Cowboy training camp this weekend at CLU, the prospects for a new Toeny Baloney surfacing do not appear good.

That might be great news for Cowboy management, but for those of us in the media who constantly search for the colorful and unusual, today’s crop of players are a bleak lot. Rich and reserved. You can find more young rebels on Wall Street. Mention Jones around an NFL camp now and players are more apt to think of Dow than Too Tall. If a top player wanted a pizza today, he would either send out a limo to pick it up, or perhaps have his agent buy a local franchise.

The training-camp scenario all seems so routine these days, with little room for the unpredictable. I can sit down right now and tell you the highlights of the next six weeks around the 28 NFL training sites.

For example:

A coach will praise one of his draft picks, expressing surprise that the player was still available so low in the draft. Two days later, the coach will cut the rookie after discovering why he was still available so low.

Raider players will grumble--off the record--that Bo Jackson has got to make a choice, once and for all, between football and baseball.

A veteran player will arrive in camp, find himself unable to keep up with the rookies, then announce his retirement, claiming his “business interests” have become so extensive he doesn’t have time for football.

A coach will declare his team a Super Bowl contender--after winning four exhibition games.

A coach will declare exhibition games meaningless--after losing all four.

Raider coaches will grumble--off the record--that Bo Jackson has got to make a choice, once and for all, between football and baseball.

A coach will get ripped for not giving his rookies enough playing time in exhibition games.

A coach will get ripped for not giving his veterans enough rest in exhibition games.

The NFL will get ripped for forcing fans to buy tickets to exhibition games.

Tony Dorsett will tell everyone how happy he is to be out of Dallas and no one will doubt him.

Eric Dickerson will tell everyone how happy he is to be out of Anaheim and no one will doubt him.

Tom Flores will tell everyone how happy he is to be out of coaching and no one will believe him.

Raider fans will grumble--on the record--that Bo Jackson has got to make a choice, once and for all, between baseball and football.

Doug Williams, hero of the last Super Bowl, will overthrow a receiver in the first exhibition game and someone will ask him if he feels the pressure of trying to prove a black can play quarterback in the NFL.

Marc Wilson will throw a touchdown pass in his first exhibition game for the Packers and someone will ask him if he feels he has proved the Raiders wrong.

A veteran player will get cut and blame the move on last year’s players’ strike.

John Robinson will get ripped for not having a passing game.

Al Davis will get ripped for not having a passer.

Brian Bosworth will get ripped for not having any class.

Jim Brown will hint at a comeback and someone will take him seriously.

Walter Payton will hint at a comeback and someone will take him seriously.

Rusty Hilger will hint at a comeback and no one will take him seriously.

Bo Jackson will show up halfway through the regular season, gain 200 yards in his first game and the only grumbling heard will come from opposing defenses.