Penn State Has Gone From Penthouse to . . .

The Colleges In 1987, Penn State became only the fifth team in the history of United Press International to finish out of the top 20 the year after winning the national title. Now, the Not-Any (formerly Nittany) Lions are after Columbia’s sacred record of 43 straight defeats.

Penn State notched its third straight setback in resounding fashion last Saturday, succumbing to West Virginia, 30-51. Obviously, the team is suffering from the effects of scheduling too many early season games against such bruising foes as Temple and Cincinnati.

The Not-Any Lions took over the No. 1 spot from Columbia, which received the so-called “death penalty” in Bottom Ten competition. The lifetime suspension occurred after it was revealed that, for the third year in a row, no Columbia player had called on his girlfriend to write a term paper for him, a sacred tradition in college football.

Meanwhile, USC fans were kicking themselves since any one of them could have won the $60 million California Lottery simply by playing the numbers worn by past running stars Mike Garrett (20), Jon Arnett (26), Anthony Davis (28), O.J. Simpson (32) and Sam Cunningham (39), along with the number representing the school’s current losing streak against Notre Dame (5).

THE RANKINGS

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Penn State (4-4) 30-51, W.Va. Maryland 2. Miamis* (6-9-1) Misery More Misery 3. Texas (3-4) 32-33, Tex. Tech Houston 4. Ill. (4-3-1) T. Minneha, 27-27 Indy 4. Indy (6-1-1) D. Iowa, 45-34 Ill 4. Iowa (4-3-2) 34-45, Indy N’wester 4. Michigan (5-2-1) D. N’west., 52-7 Minneha 4. Mich. St. (3-4-1) D. O. St., 20-10 Purdon’t 4. Minneha (2-4-2) T. Ill, 27-27 Michigan 4. N’wester (1-6-1) 7-52, Michigan Iowa 4. Ohio St. (3-5) 10-20, Mich. St. Wisconsin 4. Purdon’t (4-4) D. Wisc., 9-6 Mich. St. 4. Wisconsin (0-8) 6-9, Purdon’t Ohio St.

*Combined records of Miami (Fla.), Miami (Ohio), Miami (Hawaii).

14. Notre Dame (8-0) (depressed Coach Lou Holtz: “We weren’t good enough to beat them (Navy) inside. We couldn’t throw consistently.”); 15.-17. Some of the Carolinas (East, West, North) (4-21); 18. Pentagon (off-shore) (3-5); 19. Idle; 20. Playboy Magazine (Awarded $5,000 scholar-athlete award to Dartmouth, which rejected the check, saying that to accept it “would be demeaning to women.”)

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Rice (0-7) over Notre Dame (8-0) (Holtz: “We’re not a very good football team right now, I want to tell you.”).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Any Big Ten game.

QUOTEBOOK: UCLA Coach Terry Donahue, after the former No. 1 Bruins’ 34-30 loss to Washington State: “Victory has a thousand fathers and defeat is an orphan.” (That’s why the Bottom Ten Home for Losing Teams was established, coach!)

The Pros Pitt Bay punter Harry Newsome should be blindfolded and given one last cigarette each time he’s led out on to the field to face an opposing team.

The Steelers’ offensive line has permitted 5 of Newsome’s punts to be blocked this year, an NFL record. The latest block was recorded by a man named Booty (oh, cruel irony)--the New Jersey Jets’ John Booty, whose fourth quarter assault on Newsome set up a Jets’ touchdown that sent the Steelers down to a 20-24 defeat.

Ironically, the week before, Pitt Bay quarterback Bubby Brister, denouncing his team’s offensive attack, had said: “We may as well punt on first down and get it over with.” Later, Brister explained he was only joking. For Newsome’s sake, let’s hope so.

Elsewhere, the injury toll mounted as New Orleans’ Craig (Soft Ankle) Heyward was knocked out along with Chicago’s Jim McMahon, who may have to miss his next turn in the starting rotation four games from now. Pretty soon the only survivor will be that brute from New England--Doug Flutie.

THE RANKINGS DENVELWAY DIVISION

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Denver (4-5) 23-55, Dickersons Kansas City

BAY DIVISION

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Green Bay (2-7) 0-28, Buffalo Atlantis 2. Tampa Bay (2-7) 14-17, Miami Chicago 3. Pitt Bay (2-7) 20-24, N.J. Jets Cincinnati

LAND DIVISION

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Dallas (2-7) 10-16, Phoenix N.J. Giants 2. Kansas City (1-7-1) 10-17, Bo Denver 3. San Diego (2-7) 14-17, Seattle Irwindale 4. Philadelphia (4-5) 24-27, Atlantis Anaheim 5. Washington (5-4) 17-41, Houston Old Orleans

QUOTEBOOK: Philadelphia Coach Buddy Ryan, on rumblings that he might be fired: “It would be Philadelphia’s loss.” (Added to Philadelphia’s 5 other losses.)