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His System Obviously Has Number of Errors

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The Double Triple at Laurel Race Course paid more than $60,000 Friday, and Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post still can’t believe he didn’t win.

Explaining his system, he said, “First, I eliminate any horses whose names make reference to house pets or anything you can get at a salad bar. Then I scratch out jockeys I don’t like, numbers I don’t like, colors I don’t like and any horses named after English Restoration poets.

“Anyway, I wound up making 7 bets in the third race--all of which I’m going to try and sneak onto the expense account because, heaven knows, if I’d won, I’d have given all the money to the Washington Post.

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“I picked the 3 best names in the race, Back Alley Jack (I’m a Carole King fan), Safe On Second (I’m a Lou Brock fan, too) and Trophy Man (not a showstopper name, granted, but better than Zuhier and Bumbi. Who named these nags, a U.N. commission?). That was my 7-11-9 ticket. I went for 3-6-7, Ty Cobb’s lifetime batting average; 7-1-4, Babe Ruth’s homer total; 1-6-7, the score of the Jets-Colts Super Bowl; 5-1-6, the best area code in the country; 4-5-1, the heat at which spontaneous combustion occurs, and 10-4-5, a good time to wake up.

“I got hammered. But sometimes it’s not if you won or lost, but how you played the game.”

Trivia Time: What were the ring names of Arnold Cream, Gerardo Gonzalez and Walker Smith? (Answer to follow.)

Would-you-believe-it Dept.: From Vito Stellino of the Baltimore Sun: “The Cincinnati Bengals are letting Ickey Woods do his end zone “shuffle” even though it’s supposed to be against the rules. Owner Paul Brown, 80 years young, even went in the locker room and showed Woods his version of it. ‘He did it better than I did,’ Woods said. ‘It was a sight.’ ”

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Add Stellino: He said when Philadelphia Eagles Coach Buddy Ryan was being administered the Heimlich maneuver by assistant coach Ted Plumb Wednesday night after choking on a pork chop, strength coach Ronnie Jones walked into the dining room and thought they were fighting.

Said Jones: “Ted had ahold of Buddy, and I thought to myself, ‘Buddy’s said one more thing about the running game, and Ted’s flipped.’ ”

From Ron Borges of the Boston Globe: ‘Former heavyweight champion Tim Witherspoon is suing Don King for millions, yet he showed up at King’s Ohio farm recently and borrowed $1,000 from Mike Tyson. Asked about the legal problems this might cause because of Tyson’s connection with King, Witherspoon said, ‘I’m short of money.’ That’s not all he’s short of.”

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Add Tyson: From Alan Goldstein of the Baltimore Sun: “Attorney Raoul Felder, who is representing Robin Givens in divorce proceedings against Tyson, says his client’s public image as a scheming money-grabber is a grave injustice. ‘People forget,’ said Felder, ‘that this is a 24-year-old woman. She is not Adolph Eichmann.’ ”

For What It’s Worth: The Edmonton Oilers have 33 points after their first 27 games. That’s one more than they had last year with Wayne Gretzky in the lineup.

Clang City: Golden State’s Ralph Sampson, after going 1 for 11 Friday night against Denver, was shooting 32% for the season.

The subject was quarterback injuries, and former Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Len Dawson said, “It used to be the Oakland Raiders’ philosophy, if you get an opportunity to take a shot at Len Dawson, take it. It’s worth the 15-yard penalty because you might take him out of the game.”

Trivia Answer: Jersey Joe Walcott, Kid Gavilan, Sugar Ray Robinson.

Quotebook

Owner Bruce McNall of the Kings, on the casual attire of Coach Robbie Ftorek, who has been called the “Perry Como of hockey”: “I never saw a shirt and tie win a hockey game.”

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