This May Be Game Within a Game, but the Mind Boggles

The big game is over, but the memories linger, like a hangover.

Football fans are still buzzing.

Two days after the big one, a Times co-worker asks me, “Are you, like I was, surprised at how easily Bud moved the ball against Bud Light?”

The co-worker, Bill (not his real name; his real name is Jeff Fellenzer), also mused, “Do you get the feeling those two teams really don’t like each other?”

I set Bill straight, told him that these are two teams headed in opposite directions. Bud Light, obviously suffering from too much patented beechwood aging, is overdue for a major recycling. They simply have to get off their cans.

Bud, meanwhile, hasn’t even tapped its potential.

For years, the L.A. Kings were too nice, soft as a goose-down pillow.

This season they added the ultimate nice-guy, Gretzky, but they also toughened up with Marty McSorley and Ken Baumgartner, guys who mix it up but also do some skating. McSorley skates, anyway.

But have the Kings gone too far? To beef up their defense, they traded for Jay Miller, who is closing in on 1,000 penalty minutes in his 4-year career. He also averages about a goal every 20 games, so guess what his speciality is?

To call Miller a defensive specialist would be like calling Mike Tyson a dental technician.

Maybe it’s impossible to win in the National Hockey League without playing eye-sockey ice hockey, but it would have been nice to see the local club give it a try.

My hockey knowledge runs as deep as the L.A. River, so I don’t understand why Bernie Nicholls got a 10-minute misconduct penalty and a game misconduct Tuesday night.

For something he said .

In a league in which players casually attack one another with wooden carving tools, in which fistfights occur more frequently than goals, a player can be penalized for talking ?

I guess that’s a good policy, though, considering how many kids watch hockey. We wouldn’t want to give them the idea that it’s OK to use bad language.

Speaking of finesse, where did the San Francisco 49ers get this reputation as a finesse football team?

You don’t tiptoe and tap dance your way to 3 Super Bowl titles.

Tough guys? One report is that Ronnie Lott was so storming mad at halftime that he accidentally broke the handle off his teacup.

New York Daily News columnist Mike Lupica has brought peace to his city by arranging an arbitration settlement between warring parties Dave Winfield and George Steinbrenner.

In a similar spirit of public service, I would like to head off the greatest menace facing our city--the threat of the Dodgers losing Orel Hershiser next season by alienating him in their current contract talks. Remember Steve Sax?

Here’s the solution, Dodgers: Stop negotiations at once. Hand Orel a blank contract, signed by Peter O’Malley, and let Hershiser fill it in.

Look at Orel’s face. If you can’t trust him, who can you trust?

Would he overcharge? Impossible. Let’s say he inks himself in for 5 years at $4 million per.

A steal. A bargain. Trust me.

Of course, you Dodgers should be protected against the ugly eventuality of a damaged arm. Thus, a contract clause: If Orel hurts his arm and can’t pitch anymore, limiting him to pinch-hitting duty, he would take a pay cut of several hundred dollars a year.

Speaking of steal, here’s another suggestion for Fast Freddie Claire, Dodger GM:

Remember when Charles O. Finley owned the A’s and he hired sprinter Herb Washington as a designated baserunner? Washington bombed, because he never grasped the concept of the pickoff.

But the idea had merit, and your Dodgers are going to be lacking in overall team speed next season.

Solution: Florence Griffith Joyner.

She’s a local hero, she’s between Olympics, she’s smart, tough and fast.

And with those fingernails, she would be unstoppable with a headfirst slide.

We may not have seen the last of football’s suddenly-passe dance step.

There is a rumor that the CHP has adopted the Ickey Shuffle as the official field sobriety test.

I swear, honest, I’m rooting for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. We old people have to stick together.

I hope Kareem gets fired up and makes all the sportswriters clamoring for his retirement eat their words.

If Kareem does bounce back, the Lakers will re-repeat.

He seems to be asserting himself more on offense. He’s working on defense, muscling up. He fouled out against the Knicks Tuesday.

But 1 rebound in 24 minutes against the Knicks? One rebound in 23 minutes against the Mavericks?

Looks like an ominous trend, but I could be wrong. If Kareem averages 8 rebounds over the next 6 games, I’ll eat this column at the Forum, midcourt, halftime.

How do you stop a wave?

At Mickey Thompson’s Off-Road Championship Grand Prix Saturday in Anaheim Stadium, 65,000 fans were doing the wave, which is as outdated as the Ickey Shuffle. Come time to start a race, the public-address announcer barked:

“Knock it off!”

It worked.

Highlight of the night: Danny Thompson screaming through 4 laps of the winding, killer course with the hood of his mini-pickup sticking straight up in front of his face.

Goes to show that as a driving aid, seeing is vastly overrated.