Don’t Pinch the Runners

We were sitting around praising the fun and good fellowship of the L.A. Marathon when Joey Hamp, who had been relatively quiet until then, interrupted to say they were going to have to do something this year about the crazies who were pinching the bottoms of women runners as they trotted by.

There were two marathon officials in the room, and when Joey said that they fell simultaneously silent because it was obviously not the topic they preferred to discuss in front of a journalist known to salivate when controversy intrudes upon serenity. They seemed to know I would have cheered the snake in the Garden of Eden.

Joey, 47, an ex-model and grandmother, went on to say with no one’s encouragement but mine that last year a group of men who were drinking beer and cooking hot dogs on a portable barbecue tried first to convince her that there were other things she might enjoy doing, and when she politely declined they began pinching bottoms.

Joey was assured by the two marathon officials that there would be more police out there this time and that the bottom-pinchers would be dealt with severely. We have all seen videotapes of what police can do when aroused, so let the bottom-pinchers be forewarned.

I do not take that sort of thing lightly, by the way, and before the National Organization for Women puts a price on my head for what appears to be a sexist attitude, let me say that what intrigues me about the incident is not the bottom-pinching but the unique nature of the L.A. Marathon itself, of which bottom-pinching is but an infinitesimal part.

This is a show-biz town and any event that attracts 17,000 runners and a million and a half spectators is also likely to attract those who are, well, different. To begin with, the March 5 run is going to be jammed with celebrities who will be elbowing each other aside to be seen, a situation that in itself adds a kind of carnival atmosphere to the proceedings.

It doesn’t appear that anyone on the level of Dustin Hoffman or Sigourney Weaver and her gorillas will participate in Marathon IV, but we will see a whole herd of lesser celebrities, ranging from KNBC-TV weatherman Fritz Coleman to Cathy Lee Crosby of television’s “That’s Incredible.”

All of that is fine because it reflects the kind of people we are, just a bunch of zany guys and gals doing nutty things and praying to God we will be noticed by either Aaron Spelling or the Channel 7 news team. This offsets those somber participants who run for spiritual glory in addition to a new Mercedes and almost $1.5 million in prizes and who are to marathons what Ayatollah Khomeini is to religion. They see nothing funny in it at all.

Even those not in the entertainment business will bring their brand of audience appeal to the movable fete. Joey Hamp, for instance, breaks up the monotony of running and evading bottom-pinchers by dancing to the beat of her Walkman every few miles, and a man who calls himself T-Bone runs in full clown regalia. No telling what we might expect this year, although one hopes it won’t get out of hand. The city that gave the world the Night Stalker and drive-by shootings doesn’t need any more notoriety.

T-Bone, whose real name is Timothy Arem, is a former Ronald McDonald with a master’s degree in education. He owns a clown school in L.A. and runs in full clown outfit to encourage young people to stop snorting things up their noses and to start turning on to physical fitness.

I complimented T-Bone on the clown outfit he was wearing at the meeting, but he seemed puzzled and said he wasn’t wearing one. The yellow pants, white tuxedo shirt, red cummerbund and red bow tie were his street clothes. Oh.

Among the gamekeepers, engineers, lawyers, bartenders and real estate salesmen who will participate in Marathon IV will be others who will run to demonstrate that it is possible to engage in strenuous activities even though physically handicapped, overweight, short, ill, old, bad-tempered, unemployed or married. Causes abound in L.A.

Dr. John Pagliano, a sports medicine practitioner, pointed out that 32% of the field this year will be first-time runners, and this could pose a problem. He is hoping they will not drop like flies along the way and suggested that some of them, such as centenarians and people with artificial hearts, might want to reassess their decision to participate. While the clergy will be well represented in the race (46 last year), no one is going to want to stop and administer last rites when cash and a new Mercedes are at stake.