Some Wild Pitches That Got Away

It’s that time of year again. The networks are moving in replacement series to fill out the present season while mulling other new series for the coming fall season.

As always, however, they’ve completely missed the boat by arrogantly rejecting my very best suggestions. As always, I give them the pearls, and they ignore them:

“Late Night With Ayatollah Khomeini”: Very high concept. America’s first talk show from Iran, with subtitles. Guaranteed to knock Johnny Carson, David Letterman, Pat Sajak and Arsenio Hall off the air. With various mullahs as his sidemen, the Ayatollah reveals his playful side while interviewing an exciting array of Islamic fundamentalists. (“So tell me, Ashmad. . . .”) The wit just shines. On the premiere, Khomeini brings down the house when he jokes: “The world has many infidel nations. Take Iraq--please!”

“Beauty and the Falcon Breast”: Part One of an NBC package, this sophisticated continuing drama is about greed and intrigue in California’s silicone-implant industry.

“Supreme Court Cuties”: Part Two of the NBC package is an unforgettable sitcom. Mini-skirted, garter-belted former go-go dancers who know their briefs, legal and otherwise, show their stuff as appointees to the high court. Barbara Eden as the braless chief justice.

“Steve Garvey Playhouse”: Part Three of the NBC package is strictly for after hours and not for kids. Stories from Steve’s personal journal.

“Roe vs. Wade Boggs”: Beset by scandal, the Boston Red Sox star leaves baseball to star in this drama series about a social activist who begins his career by leading a pro-vasectomy march on Washington.

“Snow White Meets the Village People”: Allan Carr presents a weekly series showcasing the best of Walt Disney. It opens with the Seven Dwarfs singing “Y.M.C.A.”

“Roseanne’s Baby”: A horrifying science-fiction spinoff from “Roseanne.” After being impregnated by the devil, Roseanne gives birth to a baby that looks and sounds like . . . her.

“Married ... With Mildreds”: Adorable sitcom. A very stupid couple absent-mindedly names their three daughters Mildred, resulting in hilarious high jinks. Sample dialogue: “Oh, Mildred!” “Yes, mother.” “No, not you, Mildred, the other Mildred.” “Me, mother?” “No, not you, Mildred, the other Mildred!” “Me, Mother?” “Yes, you, mother.” “No I’m Mildred, you’re mother.”

“Designing Warthogs”: Urbane comedy about four Southern women who manage to operate a successful designing business and look chic despite having broad, flat faces, large tusks and warts.

“Murder, She Writ”: Mystery series. A very bad mystery writer is also a very bad amateur detective, botching grammar and cases.

“Gassing Pains”: Uproarious comedy. While Mom pursues her career, Dad stays home and does the cleaning and cooking. The real fun comes when the dish he makes night after night is beans.

“Who Do You Think You’re Fooling, You Rotten Scum?”: Provocative talk show. Normal people who are not criminals, crime victims, cross dressers, transsexuals, druggies or satanists are put on the hot seat and berated and humiliated by a skeptical Geraldo Rivera, who makes them account for their routine lives.

“Break My Nose, Break the Bank”: Unique and exciting prime-time game show. Contestants compete for cash prizes by throwing chairs at Geraldo in hopes of breaking his nose. It’s risky, for if contestants fail (a certified radiologist will be on hand to examine X-rays of Geraldo’s nose) they must pay a penalty. They are grilled by Geraldo about their sex lives and must show Geraldo their underwear.

“Capital Punishment”: Another exciting game show offering cash prizes to winners. Again, losers pay a terrible penalty, this time by having to spend 24 hours alone with TV sports commentator Dick Vitale.

“Moving In on the Movies”: Theatrical movies are transformed into rotating weekly series:

“Private Fly (‘The Fly’)”: Science-fiction mystery/adventure. An otherwise normal private detective turns into a disgusting-looking fly when angered or provoked. Although it helps him when in surveillance, there are constant perils. In the pilot, he becomes a fly to eavesdrop on mobsters, but is immediately swatted. Concept may need reworking.

“Bedtime for Kong (‘Gorillas in the Mist’)”: Cute sitcom. A woman and her 400-pound pet gorilla live in a cabin on a mountain. Their peace and serenity are repeatedly disrupted by their zany neighbor, who is always popping in unexpectedly.

“Dukes of Mississippi (‘Mississippi Burning’)”: A slapstick, but socially significant sitcom about a couple of good-old-boy FBI agents who cause havoc in the Deep South by racing after leggy young women and outwitting a dimwitted sheriff.