Beware, Lakers, for Three-peat’s Sake

I figure Pat Riley is making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty (the Detroit Pistons) and who’s nice (the Lakers).

I figure there are, oh, about 15 things about the Pistons that ought to be of concern to the Lakers, if Riley is trying to put together a scouting report.

I figure the least I can do for Patrick and the purple people, having attended the entire series between the Pistons and the Chicago Bulls, is to list these 15 potential hurdles that stand between the Lakers and championships back-to-back-to-back.

If they win it again, by the way, prepare yourself for a petition from National Basketball Assn. executives to break up Magic Johnson, sending sections of him to each of the league’s four expansion teams.

The following is a dossier on the Detroit Pistons, with Laker adversaries listed in order of importance:

1. DENNIS KEITH RODMAN

Alias: “The Worm.” Age: 28. Height: 6 feet 8 inches. College: Cooke County Junior College, Gainesville, Tex., and Southeastern Oklahoma State University, Durant, Okla. Leading characteristics: Great rebounder. Serious defender. Major showboat.

Although Rodman does not start, he should be public enemy No. 1 to Laker likers. Be forewarned: This man can play. He can even shoot free throws now. He used to have the skilled hands of a sturgeon. Now he can do everything but make baskets 10 or more feet from the basket.

2. VINCENT (VINNIE) JOHNSON

Aliases: “V.J.,” “The Microwave.” Age: 32. Height: 6-2. College: McLennan Community College, Waco, Tex., and Baylor University. Leading characteristics: Built like small four-wheel-drive vehicle. Shoots lights out. Shots have no arc whatsoever.

Johnson also does not start. Piston second-team wearing blindfolds could beat Clipper first-team. Man must not be left open. Can score from locker room.

3. JOE DUMARS III

Alias: None. Age: 26. Height: 6-3. College: McNeese State, Lake Charles, La. Leading characteristics: Steady as guards come. Underrated in every phase of game. Gentleman on and off court.

Dumars is neither one of Detroit’s “Bad Boys” nor one of its class clowns. He is a dependable, thoughtful guy who last week was more interested in discussing the political situation in China than he was the Michael Jordan situation in Chicago.

4. ISIAH LORD THOMAS III

Alias: “Zeke.” Age: 28. Height: 6-1. College: Indiana. Leading characteristics: Perennial all-star. Explosive scorer. Has tendency to kiss certain opponents on face before tipoff.

Few will forget the way Thomas scored nearly as many points as the entire L.A. team during the third quarter of 1988’s Game 6, then left the arena on crutches. Wildly erratic during Chicago series, Thomas is always dangerous. Also intends to smooch Magic again before every game, so pray he does not have flu.

5. WILLIAM (BILL) LAIMBEER, JR.

Aliases: Unprintable. Age: 32. Height: 6-11. College: Notre Dame and Owens Technical College, Toledo, Ohio. Leading characteristics: Thug, gangster, cheap-shot artist, according to owner and coach of Chicago Bulls and various other opponents.

Laimbeer ended Eastern Conference finals in typical fashion, being blamed for sending a Chicago player to the hospital with an elbow-induced concussion, then swearing he did nothing wrong. A good shooter, Laimbeer’s scoring is way below usual levels. He had 11 points Friday after four straight triple-singles.

6. JOHN THOMAS SALLEY

Alias: “The Spider.” Age: 25. Height: 7-0. College: Georgia Tech. Leading characteristics: Superb rebounder and shot-blocker. Occasionally misses dunks. Contender for title of NBA’s Funniest Person.

Salley scares opponents when he comes off bench, often dominating play, along with Rodman, around basket. Salley also can hurt opponents by saying things so outrageous that Lakers could injure rib cages laughing.

7. MARK ANTHONY AGUIRRE

Alias: None. Age: 29. Height: 6-6 (alleged). College: DePaul. Leading characteristics: Streaky shooter. Does most of his scoring in first and third periods. Sometimes not even seen in fourth.

Best friend Thomas said Friday: “I told Mark it was my job to get him to the finals and his job to damn well go out and win it.” Aguirre has never been on a championship team at any level. Some still wonder why Pistons traded post-up scorer Adrian Dantley plus No. 1 draft choice for another guy who shoots from perimeter, as Thomas, Dumars, Johnson and Laimbeer already do.

8. JAMES FRANKLIN EDWARDS

Alias: “Buddha.” Age: 33. Height: 7-1. College: Washington. Leading characteristics: Stone-faced expression. Excellent offensive moves in lane. Very big factor in playoffs against Bulls, far more so than Laimbeer.

Another reason why Detroit’s second front line is superior to first. Edwards epitomizes what NBA teams need in backup center. We list Laimbeer ahead of him only because of potential danger Laimbeer’s elbows pose to Laker players’ physical well-being.

9. CHARLES JOSEPH (CHUCK) DALY

Detroit coach. Sharp thinker, sharper dresser. Makes some of his players crazy by taking them out of game at key times to utilize bench, which could present controversy if Pistons lose series. Has won 45 games or more in all six seasons coaching Pistons.

10. THE BRENDANS

Assistant coaches Brendan Malone and Brendan Suhr. Several other NBA clubs interested in them as potential head coaches, if they can tell them apart.

11. PALACE OF AUBURN HILLS

Not nearly as noisy as Chicago Stadium, but considerably louder than Fabulous Forum. Seats close to 22,000. Pistons prefer it immensely to their old dome. Have won 27 of last 28 here. Detroit gets home-court edge over Lakers this year. Worse for Lakers, it could take them all week to find Palace of Auburn Hills.

12. DERRICK ALLEN (RICK) MAHORN

Alias: Either McFilthy or McNasty. (Jeff Ruland was other one, during their Washington days.) Age: 30. Height: 6-10. College: Hampton Institute, Hampton, Va. Leading characteristics: Fouls somebody. Gets taken out of game. Complains about referees. Gets name in box score.

Mahorn remains in Detroit starting lineup. End of scouting report.

13. FENNIS MARX DEMBO

Never plays. Good cheerleader, though. Keeps Pistons amused reciting lyrics to every rap song ever written. Could be factor against Lakers if seven or eight people foul out.

14. REFEREES

If officials permit Pistons to play as physically as they did against Bulls without calling fouls, Lakers will find themselves in a war. This is one reason why Detroit has held opponents under 100 points in 15 straight games. A Piston’s idea of no-harm, no-foul is if opponent regains consciousness within five minutes.

15. DETROIT MEDIA

If officials call any foul on any Detroit player in the fourth quarter of any game, certain members of Detroit media will accuse referees of favoring Detroit’s opponents, and Detroit crowd will believe it. This could work against Lakers, who are, of course, clean players and have never fouled anybody.