By the time they reach adulthood, average...

By the time they reach adulthood, average Americans will have seen 164,382 stupid celebrity interviews on television. This figure was reached by sitting around the house and making one up. Even so, it might very well be close to accurate.

These interviews almost never go the way one wishes them to, because one of the given rules is that nobody really speaks their minds. But if only they did.

Sandee Canyon: “Our guest today is Naomi Fortune, who has a tiny part in the new movie ‘Batman Meets Rainman on a Field of Dreams.’ We tried to get the star of the picture but the publicists had promised an exclusive to someone else.”

Naomi Fortune: “Well, it’s not like I wanted to be here. But I figured, it was a good chance to run up a big hotel bill and make the company pay.”

Sandee: “It’s nice to have you with us.”

Naomi: “Yeah, I bet.”

Sandee: “Well anyway--what was it like working with all the big stars who appear in the film?”

Naomi: “Sheer hell. You never met such a bunch of soft-headed prima donnas in your life. All any of them cared about was themselves and they couldn’t have been ruder or more conceited.”

Sandee: “And what about you?”

Naomi: “I didn’t care to associate with any of them, although I did have a big affair with the associate producer. I hoped it would help my career.”

Sandee: “But your co-stars--they were all very professional, weren’t they?”

Naomi: “Whatever that means. One was on cocaine, one was on booze, one was a shrieking banshee and one was a burned-out old has-been.”

Sandee: “Surely it was a thrill working with such a distinguished director.”

Naomi: “He was the burned-out old has-been.”

Sandee: “What attracted you to this particular movie project?”

Naomi: “The money they offered me to do it. My agent read the script and told me it was one of the lamest things he ever saw, completely derivative and panderingly simple-minded. But when someone is waving 50 grand in your kisser, it doesn’t pay to be fussy. Besides, I couldn’t find anything better.”

Sandee: “What special preparations did you make to play this difficult role?”

Naomi: “Well, first of all, it isn’t a difficult role. Any first-year drama student could play it. My preparation consisted of riding down to the studio in a limousine I made the producer provide for me.”

Sandee: “Would you like to direct?”

Naomi: “No, I wouldn’t like to direct! I think directors should do that. There are enough bad directors working in the business without my adding to the list.”

Sandee: “I hear you did all your own stunts.”

Naomi: “Nonsense. That’s a lie made up by the publicity department. I wouldn’t think of it. My only stunt is getting up in the morning.”

Sandee: “We hear there may be a hot new TV series in your future.”

Naomi: “Well, my agent couldn’t get me another movie deal right away, so I thought I’d slum my way through some crummy sitcom for 22 weeks.”

Sandee: “But is television as creatively satisfying as making films?”

Naomi: “Films? Oh, you mean movies. Listen, if I wanted creative satisfaction, I’d be in another racket. Maybe the newspaper game.”

Sandee: “Well, it’s been a long hard struggle to the top for you, hasn’t it?”

Naomi: “Long hard struggle? My uncle owns a big production company. It took a long hard phone call, that’s about it. Thank heaven I’m a real looker or I might still be waiting tables at Barney’s Beanery.”

Sandee: “Would you do a nude scene if it were relevant to the plot and not just exploitive?”

Naomi: “Hey, why should it have to be relevant to the plot?”

Sandee: “Well, I’m sure you hope everyone will run out and see ‘Batman Meets Rainman on a Field of Dreams.’ ”

Naomi: “I couldn’t care less. After all, I don’t get a percentage of the profits. Besides, it’s not much of a movie. I plan to wait for it to come out on video, and I’m in it!”

Sandee: “You know, it really hasn’t been much of a pleasure having you here today.”

Naomi: “Hey, if there’d been any way to get out of it, I would have.”