Q&A; : To the Letter: Sending Proper Invitations

There is more to writing letters and sending invitations than meets the eye. Rules that govern proper correspondence etiquette are covered in “Crane’s Blue Book of Stationery: The Styles and Etiquette of Letters, Notes and Invitations,” (Doubleday, $15) edited by Steven L. Feinberg. Feinberg, manager of training and customer development for Crane & Co., spoke on the various aspects of letter-writing from the company’s Dalton, Mass., headquarters.

Question: Why did Crane & Co. decide to put out this book?

Answer: We’ve been doing stationery and wedding invitations for so long, and in that time we’ve gotten an awful lot of calls about proper etiquette. I was hired two years ago to give seminars around the country about stationery and etiquette concerned with that. The book was really an outgrowth of that.

Q: What are some of the most common questions you get asked?

A: I think the most common problem people have is with a wedding invitation when the bride’s parents are divorced (Various rules apply to this, depending on the parents’ current marital status.). The problem is that what is proper sometimes offends people. And a lot of times the bride is caught in the middle, wanting to do what’s right but not wanting to hurt people’s feelings. And lately I’ve been getting a lot of questions on how to address an envelope to two people living together. That’s very simple: Her name is on one line, followed by his on the next.

For some reason I’ve gotten three questions in the last two months from people asking if they can put their deceased parent’s name on a wedding invitation. That’s really delicate to handle. I just told the people that it’s not proper since a dead person can’t host an event. That kind of information can go into the wedding announcement in the newspaper instead.

Q: It seems a lot of people take liberties with wedding invitations, creating elaborate cards with poetry, soft-focus photographs, etc., instead of the traditional invitation with black ink on white or ecru paper.

A: I think if you’re looking at it from what’s proper, some people do swing too far the other way. When I started selling invitations in 1977 there were an awful lot of requests for wild invitations. Now it seems to be going the other way, and people are really trying to do what’s right.

Q: Why is that?

A: I think it probably has to do with society as a whole getting more conservative. It’s reflected in stationery as well.

Q: It seems that a lot of people also have fallen into the habit of sending a sympathy card rather than writing a personal note on stationery.

A: Anything that’s personal is more proper, and it’s a lot more personal to write a note than get a card with a message in it. It just looks like you’ve put more effort into it. I think some people have been brought up to go to the store and buy a greeting card, but I doubt that a lot of people think to write a personal note.

Q: Has having this job and writing the book made you more diligent with your own correspondence?

A: Yes, I try to respond to letters quickly since I’ve gotten this job. One of the bad things I do is check everyone’s writing paper and see if it’s Crane. But I’ve always liked writing letters. A lot of people don’t, but the point is not to get intimidated by it. I’m trying to get over thinking that if you write a letter it doesn’t have to be a masterpiece, you’re just trying to communicate.