During the Rites of Autumn, Perspective Found on Sideline

The football season is upon us--tailgate parties, the two-minute warning, the color and smell of autumn and the annual jests from those colorful coaches.

Some of their previous observations:

--Coach Mack Brown, after Tulane had lost its first seven games: “I called up Dial-a-Prayer and they hung up on me.”

--Bobby Bowden, after watching Miami blast his top-ranked Florida State Seminoles, 31-0, last season in what had been billed as the college game of the century: “It was a classic until we kicked off.”

--Ray Sewalt, Texas Christian recruiting coordinator, about his team: “We’ve got so many kids on our roster (70 sophomores and freshmen) we’re going to be the first football team in history with an equipment order for Pampers.”

--Bill Callahan, Missouri sports information director, on how he improved at his job: “I used to have the worst time remembering names. Then I took the Sam Carnegie course and I’ve been all right ever since.”

--Darrell Royal, former Texas coach, philosophizing: “A head coach is guided by one primary objective--to dig, claw, wheedle, coax that fanatical effort out of his players. He wants his team to play on Saturday as if they were planting the flag on Iwo Jima.”

Add football quotes: Linebacker Billy Ray Smith of the San Diego Chargers, after looking at some of the replacement players during the strike of a few seasons back: “Put it this way. If Richard Burton got sick the night before playing Macbeth in New York, he wouldn’t be worried if Pee-Wee Herman replaced him for a day.”

--Joe Gardi, New York Jets defensive coach, when it was mentioned that setting up defenses against the high-scoring Chargers was like playing a chess game: “I hope not; I’m a pinochle man.”

--John Unitas, Baltimore’s great quarterback, commenting on his days with the Bloomington Rams, a semipro team: “We didn’t have a team bus. We had a team bike.”

--Alex Karras on playing for George Allen: “He was great to the old guys. He had one trainer just to treat varicose veins.”

--Richard Byrd, rookie lineman for the Houston Oilers, explaining why he joined a group of players who shaved their heads as a sign of solidarity: “I guess it was voluntary. There were 10 guys around me, so I volunteered.”

--Jay Randolph, NBC play-by-play announcer, on the rapid progress of Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino: “He didn’t develop, he was instant print.”

--Beano Cook, sports commentator: “The two most important jobs in America are held by foreigners--room service and field-goal kicking.”

--Fred Smerlas of Buffalo, about a former Bill, Conrad Dobler, who returned to Buffalo for a charity roast: “It’s a wonderful sight, isn’t it? Conrad eating with a knife and fork.”

Trivia time: What do major league pitchers Orel Hershiser and Roger McDowell have in common?

Stand and deliver: According to the book, “The College Names of Games,” this is the origin of one of baseball’s most-loved traditions.

Late in an 1882 exhibition game between Manhattan College and the New York Metropolitans, the students were growing restless and unruly during the long game. Brother Jasper, Manhattan’s head of resident students, ventured into the stands to calm the students.

Sensing that they were tired of sitting in the cramped bleachers, Jasper called on them to stand and stretch to relieve their tension.

It worked. Thus was born the seventh-inning stretch. Or so the book says.

Trivia answer: Both played college baseball at Bowling Green State University.

Quotebook: Frank Broyles, Arkansas athletic director, on whether he’d still like his football coach, Ken Hatfield, if the team won only half its games: “Sure I would. I’d miss him, too.”