These Guys Aren’t Fooling Anybody

Just remember, you read it here first:

LOS ANGELES--Al Davis, managing general partner of the Leave-Blank-Name-of-Town Raiders, announced today his team was remaining in Los Angeles, saying: “I don’t hanker to be the owner of the league’s first permanent, established, floating crap game in history. I don’t want to head up a franchise that comes into town double-parked. I’m sticking with L.A. The Raiders don’t need a new town, they need a new team. Get me a Dan Marino and I’ll play in Duluth. L.A. doesn’t make players soft. Money makes players soft. You think Alzado ever noticed what town he was in? All he could see was the quarterback’s Adam’s apple. It’s not about money. What do I need money for? I got all the yachts I’ll ever need--none. If they’ll just fix up the Coliseum a little bit--and get me Joe Montana--I’ll stay forever. Or at least five years. An owner who would pick Oakland over L.A. is like an aristocrat who would rather live in Peru than Paris. Look at it this way: If Oakland is all that great, why did I ever leave there in the first place?”

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J.--Mike Tyson, former heavyweight champion, admitted today that the current titleholder, Buster Douglas, “beat me fair and square and is probably a better fighter than I am.” Added Mike: “People forget Bonecrusher Smith had me going in our fight, only he was too scared to notice. I have to tell you, I’m not Joe Louis or Ali or even Rocky I, II or III. I’m a pretty good brawler with a fair punch. I’d say I ranked somewhere between Johnny Risko and Young Stribling as a heavyweight contender. Check out who I’ve beaten. Michael Spinks? Are you kidding? Anybody ever mix him up with Dempsey? Larry Holmes? Robin could hit harder than him. Ali? I wouldn’t have been able to hit him with a bucket of bird shot. I couldn’t have hit him if he stood still and only moved his head. I could win the title back because Buster never put anybody in mind of Joe Frazier, either. If I do, I fight George Foreman. I like opponents who need bifocals to find the ring. I’m going to hold out for 15 rounds. George can’t even stay awake for 15 rounds.”

NEW YORK--George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, said today he is relinquishing personal operation of the club, explaining: “This used to be one of the glorious franchises in all sports. It ranked with Notre Dame in football, Calumet in racing and the Celtics in basketball. Then, I got ahold of it and look what I did! The St. Louis Browns were more successful. I kicked out managers, fought with star players, traded off the likes of Rickey Henderson, got in trouble with the league. You would have to say Colonel Ruppert, Del Webb and the great Yankee owners are rolling around in their graves over the way I’ve handled this. The Yankees used to win the pennant every year and the World Series nine out of 10 times. They haven’t won anything now since 1981. There has to be something wrong. It must be me. I have accordingly turned over the reins of the club to somebody with a better temperament for this business. Who could do it better? Oh, Curly, Moe and Larry. Pee-wee Herman. Chevy Chase. Buster Douglas. Dan Quayle. All you got to do with the Yankees is give them a bat and get out of the way. That never got through to me. So I’m bowing out for the good of the game. You won’t have George Steinbrenner to kick around anymore. And vice versa.”

NORTH PALM BEACH, Fla.--Greg Norman, the Australian golfer who lost the 1986 PGA when Bob Tway chipped in out of a trap, lost the 1987 Masters when Larry Mize chipped in over his head in a playoff, lost the 1989 British Open in a playoff after shooting a 64 to get in it, lost last week to young Robert Gamez, who made a two on the 18th hole, wants the world to call him “Lucky.” He said: “I can’t imagine where the idea spread I’m snakebit. How can you call a guy unlucky who’s made over $3 million on the golf tour? Unlucky is when you’re in Bangladesh making baskets in a flood. Unlucky is not when your ball goes in the water, it’s when your house does. I don’t know why people move away from me in a thunderstorm or cancel flights when they see me in line. The way I figure it, God owes me.”

SOUTH BEND, Ind.--Notre Dame, smarting under criticism over its lucrative independent TV deal, decided today none of its football games would be televised anywhere. “School games should be played for the student body, not the networks,” the president said. “Henceforth, games will be attended only by bona fide university underclassmen and women. Admission will be free, card tricks will be outlawed, and nobody with an 18-inch (or over) neck will be allowed to try out for the football team. Recruiting will be restricted to chemistry students, bearing in mind what Notre Dame is most famous for--the invention of synthetic rubber during World War II. Coach Lou Holtz concurs wholeheartedly in the new program.” Said Holtz: “Anybody can win with a whole bunch of all-state players. I like the challenge of trying to win with a backfield that can’t see without glasses and can’t bench-press the Sunday paper. Football should be a game, not a war.”

INDIANAPOLIS--Eric Dickerson, the Colts’ running back, today gave credit to his offensive line. “Where would I be without them?” he asked. “Whatever success I have I owe to them. Do you realize these guys have to hold off about two tons of homicidal maniacs on every play? I would be a bloodstain in the middle of the field if it weren’t for these guys. As a guy who never laid a block in his life, I have nothing but the most unbounded admiration for them. They’re the reason I’m making over a million and a half a year and live in Malibu, and don’t think I don’t appreciate it. Particularly when you realize they work for about a tenth of what I make. That makes me very humble.”

LAS VEGAS--Andre Agassi, the tennis player, acknowledged today he would “play Davis Cup for my country any time it wanted me.” Said he: “Hey! Guys have died for their country, what’s a little tennis? I mean, look what this country has done for me and my family!”

LOS ANGELES--John McEnroe, kicked out of an Australian tennis tournament for foul language and behavior, was philosophical about it today. “Frankly, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened more often,” he said. “I could never understand why they put up with my antics all those years. Face it, I insulted entire countries. I was thinking of writing on my bedroom mirror, ‘Please stop me or I’ll strike again!’ I was beginning to think they’d put up with anything from me. It’s a lousy example to set before the kids the way I did, I can tell you! Why, my kid might play--and I’d hate to have to watch him behave like I did, wouldn’t I?”

What do you mean, you don’t believe a word of it?! Just because of what day it is today?!