Fear Not, It Will Prove Merely a Partial Eclipse

Of the eight clubs remaining in the running for the NBA championship, seven can win it. Phoenix can’t. Unh-uh. Sorry. Never happen. Phoerget it.

So, don’t sweat Tuesday night’s 104-102 Laker loss at the Forum. These are the playoffs. Phoenix will fold like a tortilla.

Aw, you say you’re unhappy? You say your Lakers looked shaky against Houston and even shakier in Game 1 of this series?

Dry your eyes, little Laker lover. Don’t let the Suns catch you crying.

Remember, these guys came in from the desert. They think they’re going to win, but it’s only a mirage.

Cotton Fitzsimmons coached his team to a victory in Inglewood, which he does every other decade. Good job, Cot. Demand a contract renewal right now, this morning, before it’s too late.

Pretty soon it will be the next round of the playoffs and all of Phoenix’s fans will be walking around town modeling their brand new T-shirts, the ones that read: We Beat the Lakers Once in the 1990 NBA Playoffs.

OK, so Mark West, the horse of the rising Suns, played splendidly--24 points, 16 rebounds and seven blocked shots. He shouldn’t get a swelled head yet. He shouldn’t go thinking that the Lakers are going to hang a second jersey with the name “WEST” on the Forum wall or anything.

And OK, so Tom Chambers can play, and Kevin Johnson can play, and Jeff Hornacek is no slouch, and Dan Majerle and Eddie Johnson can hurt you, and Kurt Rambis is still the coolest thing in glasses since Diet Coke.

It still won’t be enough.

“We know the Lakers will come back. We can’t get too excited,” said Majerle, whose name, much like Phoenix itself, is spelled one way and pronounced another.

Right you are, Dan. Don’t get too excited, Sun.

Like we said, only seven teams have a real shot at the title.

The Lakers are still the Lakers and the Trail Blazers do a pretty convincing act as Laker impersonators. Them Piston boys are still the baddest, until somebody proves otherwise. The Bulls have Air Jordan, the Sixers have Sir Charles and the Spurs have Robbie the Swabbie. Any of them could rule this league come June.

Even those knuckleheads the Knickerbockers can’t be counted out. Sometimes they do stupid things, like forgetting to play defense or forgetting to bench Mark Jackson. Yet the Knicks came back to beat Boston, costing Jimmy Rogers his coaching job and embarrassing Celtic management so badly that there’s a new movie coming out: The Hunt for Red Auerbach.

No matter how lousy New York looked Tuesday night against Detroit, you shouldn’t rule out any team that employs Patrick Ewing.

But the Phoenix Suns?

Go ahead. Rule them out.

In life there are certain things we can count on. Your car’s gas needle will be near empty only when you are in a hurry. The pilot of your airplane will make a loud announcement the minute you fall asleep. The person who sits behind you at the movies will have the biggest mouth in the theater.

And the Phoenix Suns won’t win the NBA championship.

By now, most of us have become quite comfortable with the idea of the Phoenix Suns not winning the NBA championship. Nobody in professional basketball doesn’t win NBA championships any better than Phoenix. Season after season, we NBA fans know two things: Phoenix will put a fine team on the floor, and Phoenix will not win the NBA championship.

Tradition counts in this league.

In the NBA, Phoenix never rises from the ashes. Phoenix starts out high, then ends up ashes.

But wait. You say things might be different this season? You say Phoenix matches up quite nicely with the rest of the NBA? You say the Suns match up quite nicely with the Lakers in these Western Conference semifinals, that they don’t need some Supercenter like Akeem or Patrick or Admiral Dave?

You mean you actually think that Phoenix could eliminate Los Angeles . . . and Portland . . . and Detroit?

You must be from Arizona, dude. You’ve been out in the sun too long. Your brain’s tanned. You must have been drinking those cactus coolers again, bud. Get some shade.

Let’s just hurry up and get this Phoenix basketball season over with so the nice folks there can get back to cashing in their life savings and insurance policies so they can meet the cost of Phoenix Cardinal football tickets.

Don’t be sad, Phoenicians. Years from now, you’ll be able to tell everybody you led the Lakers in a playoff series, one game to none.

Nice job, guys.

Run along now.