Clippers, With High Hopes Bubbling Over, Pop Champagne Corks

Sunday morning, Beverly Hills. Swimming pools, movie stars. Champagne wishes, caviar dreams. Wealthy men, healthy women. Vice versa.

What’s a nice but poor slob like me doing in a place like this?

Here I am on Donald T. Sterling’s lush green lawn, at the old Cary Grant estate. Not Gary Grant. Cary Grant.

Caviar omelets are cooking and Dom Perignon is pouring. I ask questions. What came first, the fish eggs or the chicken eggs? Got any Diet Perignon? My inquiring mind wants to know.

The chef and bartender inquire as to when I will be leaving.

It is a Gatsby-esque outdoor affair, with everyone dressed in white. I am easy to pick out. I am the one who looks like Frosty the snowman.

Somewhere nearby is our genial host, the Donald, who looks nice and natural in white. By the way, this is our Donald, not that one with the tower and the bike race. Ours is the Donald, Western Division.

He is calling this his “Farewell to the Lottery” party.

The Western Donald owns the Clippers, professional basketball’s professional basket cases. And, another lottery has rolled around. Believe me, it is the only lottery The Western Donald ever need enter.

“This is the last one there will ever be!” he promises.

This lottery thing is the way the worst teams in the NBA vie for the choicest cuts of meat in the college player draft.

Traditionally, the Clippers take part. Since 1985 there have been six lotteries, and the Clips have participated in five. They just haven’t had a whole Lotto luck.

The first year, the Clippers drafted Benoit (My Two Left Feet) Benjamin. The next team picked Xavier McDaniel. Nine more picks down the line went Karl Malone.

Two years later, the Clippers drafted Reggie Williams. The next team picked Scottie Pippen. Two more picks down the line went Kevin Johnson.

The next year, the Clippers drafted Danny Manning, who got hurt. Four picks down the line went Mitch Richmond, who got Rookie of the Year.

In 1989, the Clippers drafted Danny Ferry, who said: “Ciao.” Then they traded him for Ron Harper, who said: “Ow!”

Had Harper not been hurt, the Clippers could have avoided the latest lottery. They might have made the playoffs. They might even have eliminated the Lakers. (Better them than you-know-who.)

Instead, the only one the Clippers eliminated was their coach. They shoved Don Casey out the door without so much as a caviar breakfast.

The new coach? They haven’t named one yet. Elgin Baylor has interviewed everybody but Dick Vitale and that high school guy who let Lisa Leslie score 101 points.

The Western Donald, however, remains supremely confident that the darkest hours of the Clippers are all behind them. With two more picks in the top 13, help is on the way from the June 27 draft. Two new Clippers, comin’ right up.

I figure their best bet is to take Bo Kimble and somebody from Yugoslavia.

After that, the draft picks will get lower and lower. Who says so? Gary Grant says so.

You remember Gary Grant. He is the distinguished backcourt performer also known for picking on sportswriters not his own size.

Anyway, ol’ Gar got up at the Western Donald’s garden party Sunday and guaranteed everybody: “We will be in the playoffs!”

No, Gary was not heavily into the Dom Perignon. He believes. Just as Elgin Baylor believes. And Donald T. Sterling believes. They believe in tomorrow. They believe that children are our future.

And, if you had asked Chuck Connors or Chad Everett or Erik Estrada or Pat Boone or Gabe Kaplan or any of the other notables circulating around the Western Donald’s yard, you could bet your bottom dollar that they would have said they believed in the Clippers of tomorrow.

By the way, in case the supermarket tabloids missed it, the official party press release reported that the Clipper guest list also included the likes of Clint Eastwood, Billy Crystal, Arsenio Hall, Pia Zadora and Vic (the Brick) Jacobs. Wish I could have stayed longer. It’s not often one gets to mix with Pia or Vic.

Oh, and Donna Mills is supposed to be around here somewhere. I am disappointed at missing her. We were going to discuss that Reggie Williams trade.

I am happy to be here. Of course, I am happy to be anywhere.

As the lottery begins, I have my fingers crossed. It is difficult to eat my omelet this way. Nevertheless, I am cheering for the Clippers to do well. I am always cheering for the Clippers to do well. Sometimes I even find myself cheering for the Clippers during games that involve two other teams.

Oh, rats. The Clippers are stuck with pick No. 8. First three picks go to New Jersey, Seattle and Miami. I hope all their lousy picks go to Italy.

I bid farewell to the “Farewell to the Lottery” party, go home, decide to pop open some of my own champagne. No luck.

Can’t find the can opener.