Good & Greasy : Fast Food: 13 spots where cholesterol is still king in a health-mad world; chili dogs, tacos, pizza, pastrami, cheeseburgers and fries--they’re all here.

When I was going to Ventura High School, the best junk food in the known world was right across the street at the Foster’s Freeze. They had these tacos (five for a buck) that were classics. You’d take a bite and the grease would run down your arm, then drip off your elbow and stain your wing tips. And the corn burritos? Oh man, 12 for a buck! You’d bite one of those dudes and the beans would squish out the other end and burn off your fingerprints. Of course, that was only if they remembered to remove the toothpicks. Ouch. Today, that place is a battery store. You figure it out.

Anyway, that was then and this is now; memories fade as waistlines grow, as all junk food fanatics well know. This piece will deal with some of the killer junk food places in these parts. This is not a scientific study. I don’t care about calories and health food--no bran muffins and fruit logs--this is about hot and fast food full of cholesterol and grease, not to mention my personal favorite, monosodium glutamate, which is as all-American as hot dogs and hamburgers.

I’m not going to deal with fast-food chains--everyone knows what those places are like. Mostly, they’re boring. The places in this piece are mostly one-of-a-kind establishments.

So what is junk food? Greasy, mostly. It’s mostly fried, which is what it may do to your internal organs. Also, junk food has the shelf life of a wink--so it needs to be consumed rather quickly. Hey, that’s why they make Rolaids.

OK, so what constitutes successful junk food? If the place is packed, that’s a good sign. Also, if the cops eat there and the parking lot birds are fat, two more good signs. If the cook is fat, sure.

Much of this piece is devoted to Mexican food. Hey, Mexican food is great. Maybe it’s what Bob Seger meant when he sang about “the fire down below.”

Also, junk food establishments in the eastern portion of Ventura County are conspicuously absent. Little survives in the east county except for the usual suspects--the franchise junk food places.

There’s plenty of great junk food on Ventura Avenue but east-end Ventura, much like the east part of the county, is a junk food wasteland.

Finally, there’re doubtlessly places that were omitted for whatever reason. For example, I’m aware of Joannafina’s down on the beach in Ventura--lots of people told me they have great food and killer tamales. But hey, the joint doesn’t even open until 11 a.m., and then they close from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m.--what is this place, some sort of burrito boutique for bankers? I heard numerous people use numerous words that The Times doesn’t like upon finding the place closed.

Anyway, E Pluribus Junk!

Top Hat Burger Palace

299 Main St., Ventura

643-9696

So what’s the big deal with this Father Serra dude? All he did was build a bunch of tourist traps, those missions, big deal. Well, I suppose he did find work for the local Indians. He told them, “Listen, I need 10,000 adobe bricks by sundown, and you guys, we need water for the grapes, so dig me an aqueduct from Ojai, OK?”

Anyway, there’s this big statue of Father Serra in front of City Hall in Ventura. If there was any justice at all, the statue would be of Charlotte Bell, owner of the Top Hat, perhaps holding a chili dog. She’s done more for Ventura than Father Serra--she’s fed generations of Venturans.

The Top Hat has the best chili dogs in the Western hemisphere. Even the blackbirds that hang out there hoping for an handout are fat. They don’t chirp, they burp.

The chili dogs are so messy they come with a spoon. Ditto for the chili burgers--they should come with a bib. You can even get a whole bowl of chili for about a buck. And the cheeseburgers will send you into gastronomic ecstasy--they’re greasy and great.

The place is packed at noontime, so before or after is better.

Recommended dosage: Chili dog, chili burger, double cheeseburger, two hours rest.

Great Central Steak & Hoagie Company

410 E. Thompson Blvd., Ventura

643-6871

George McMaster, formerly of Philadelphia and now of Santa Paula, brings a touch of the East Coast to Ventura, not just with his accent, but with great food. The hoagie place has been there for 13 years and it’s usually packed.

It’s also a bargain. Broke and starving? For $1.30 you can get a meal in a bag--some of the best fries you’ve ever eaten, and plenty of them. Besides that, you get free peppers in your choice of three varieties--the mild cherry peppers, the in-between pepperincinis or the little ones that kill you.

The sandwiches cost a bit more, but they’re excellent. There’s a wide variety of hoagies plus all sorts of steak sandwiches and even veggie sandwiches. If the sandwiches cost a lot (about four bucks) they also do a lot. You won’t be hungry again in an hour, guaranteed. You’ll be lucky if you can even walk in an hour. The sandwiches are about a foot long and are mostly two-handers. They even have pizza, even Irish pizza with potatoes on it.

McMaster is quite the host. “Drop one, burn it! Work a mushroom steak, no O!” Translation: One order of fries, well done and a mushroom steak, hold the onions. He knows most of his customers, he’s fast and he stays open late.

Also, nice touch, they have the best lemonade anywhere, made fresh daily.

Recommended dosage: Mushroom steak, fries and a large lemonade. If you can eat all that, you won’t need to eat again until a week from Tuesday.

Ultimate gastronomic delight: Fries from the hoagie place and chili from the Top Hat to dip them in.

Tony’s Pizzaria

186 E. Thompson Blvd., Ventura

643-8425

A long time ago in the early ‘60s in Ventura, when kids could cruise Main Street, Tony’s Pizzaria had a great location. The cruisin’ route was down Main to the Mission, left on Figueroa toward the beach, left on Harbor, under the pier to Seaward, then left to Main, then left again by Ventura High School and back downtown again. Tony’s Pizzeria was on Figueroa near the mission. All the cruisers went right by his place. Many of them stopped for a great pizza, an RC Cola and free licorice.

Anyway, Tony’s is down the street now, has been for a long time, at Figueroa and Thompson. Every pizza is still a master pizza and Tony himself will build it for you right before your eyes. He makes real crust (no cardboard), uses real ingredients and the pizzas are real hot--if you are short on patience, they’ll burn your lips off. Still frequented by locals who’ve been eating Tony’s pizza for more than 30 years, it can get crowded, but not like it used to be. Still, it’s not a bad idea to call in your order.

Recommended dosage: A large pepperoni and sausage.

Johnny’s Mexican Food

176 N. Ventura Ave., Ventura

648-2021

Johnny’s, just up the Avenue from the Vons Center, has been there forever. The building itself is about 100 years old and Johnny’s has been selling great Mexican food for about 30 years. I’ve bought so many burritos there I should have half interest in his Cadillac.

The burritos were a lot better when they were a buck, but they’re still swell at about $1.80.

Johnny’s consists of a takeout window plus a small dining room next door. The dining room features a map of Mexico and a map of Ventura, plus some cactus wallpaper, which may be how it’s going to look here in the 17th year of the drought.

Johnny’s is busy all day long, especially at noon. And everything is great--the burritos, the tacos, the tostadas--everything. I love the rice. Big deal, how can anyone mess up rice, you ask?

The best thing about Johnny’s is the salsa. It’s heavenly; it’s red; it comes in these little cups; it’s got lots of stuff floating around in it; it’s a little warm--it’s just right. They go through so much salsa there, putting the stuff in those little cups has got to be a full-time job for someone.

Recommended dosage: Bean and rice burritos, four cups of salsa.

Taqueria Tepatitlan

362 N. Ventura Ave., Ventura

653-0508

The name means Tepatitlan Taco Shop, or something like that. Or maybe it means the Taco Place Across From Snooky’s, who knows? In case you’re still planning your next vacation, Tepatitlan is south of Guadalajara, Mexico.

This new place has killer tacos de carne asada, that’s beef steak. They also offer tacos of all sorts--with pork maws, beef tongue, beef cheeks, chicken, get the idea?

Anyway, the carne asada tacos are great, but small. The salsa is perfecto.

Also memorable are the burritos. They’re huge--two-handers for sure. If they had legs, they could pass block for Jim Everett. If you manage to down one, you’ll require a Thanksgiving-length rest.

The place has a vast menu--two pages. The only thing is, they are slow. Either call first or bring a book. Have you read “War and Peace?”

Recommended dosage: Carne asada plate, any burrito, bed rest.

Gutierrez Drive-In

1001 N. Ventura Ave., Ventura

643-7228

Yet another popular Avenue establishment, Gutierrez opens early, providing some early morning fire for construction workers and others who want to light up their lives before the first break. Gutierrez offers a full menu of Mexican and American food. But why eat American food at a Mexican restaurant?

The basic cosmic experience at Gutierrez is the corn burrito. Of course they tasted much better when they were four for $1.25; now they’re four for $2, but what are you going to do? Anyway, they deep-fry the burritos (what else?) and they even remember to remove the toothpicks. Then they cover the dang things with heaps of white and orange cheese.

The tacos are also great, especially the flour tacos--they’re big. Two of them will fill you up; three of them demand an hour’s nap. It’s best to eat the tacos there because the juice from the taco meat can be lethal. It will eat through the taco and the wrapper, too, if you wait too long.

Recommended dosage: An order of corn burritos and flour tacos.

Corrales Spanish Food

4200 N. Ventura Ave., Ventura

653-9079

795 E. Thompson Blvd., Ventura

643-1043

Many locals think Corrales has the best Mexican food in Ventura. Who knows? They are up there, for sure. The original Corrales has been there for 16 years--it’s way out on the Avenue, past the oil fields, and patronized mainly by Avenue locals. It was such a hit, now there’s a second Corrales--it’s on Thompson Boulevard across from the Vagabond.

Perhaps the most inexpensive of all the Mexican food places, Corrales has these great meat and cheese burritos. The tamales are also world class, especially the chicken tamales, available only at the Thompson location. I’d like to have a spare bedroom made out of chicken tamales. And a fork.

Recommended dosage: Meat and cheese burritos and all the chicken tamales you can down.

Ojai Frostie

214 W. Ojai Ave., Ojai

646-1923

Once a regular Foster’s Freeze franchise, but no longer, this place provides burger and taco relief to all the now and happening people in Ojai.

The best thing about Ojai Frostie is the tacos. I don’t know but I suppose they begin as frozen, flat things, but they toss ‘em on the grill, add all the cheese and lettuce and stuff, even burn the lettuce a little bit. Then they burn you a little bit--the tacos are almost two bucks each. Despite the Heimlich maneuver to your wallet, the tacos are great, although not at all authentic Mexican food. More like yuppie tacos.

The Hi-Burgers, of which there are several variations, are also swell, and they even serve ice cream. Every kid in Ojai hangs out there some time, so it can get crowded, especially at lunch or right after school. Be sure to wear shoes--it gets really hot in Ojai during the summer and the sidewalk will burn your feet off.

Recommended dosage: All the tacos you can eat before you topple over or go broke.

Buster’s

1201 South Wells Road, Saticoy

647-2103

Now everyone may know that a tri-tip roast is the Mercedes of meat; but not everyone knows how to cook one. Buster does--with barbecue sauce over mesquite. Not only does Buster do tri-tips right, but also pork ribs, beef ribs, chicken and hot links--all barbecued. They cook mountains of meat all day long, except Monday.

Buster’s is a cultural landslide come to Saticoy, an area heretofore famous for traffic jams and graffiti. The place is a hit, too, and Buster plans to open three more locations within the year--in Oxnard, Ojai and Santa Paula.

Besides all the meat, Buster’s offers all sorts of salads, plus bread and beans--all made right there. There is even a bakery.

The happening thing at Buster’s is the tri-tip, either the dinner or the sandwich. When they ask you if you want mild or hot sauce, keep in mind that when they say “hot,” they’re not lying. My lips caught fire, singed off my mustache and my eyebrow, then my hair melted off and ran down my shirt. The Fire Department is thinking of opening a station next door. But a hot and juicy tri-tip is gastronomic nirvana.

“Nobody ever goes there--it’s always too crowded,” Yogi Berra once said. He could’ve been talking about Buster’s--there’s usually a line, especially at lunch. You can take it with you or eat it there.

Recommended dosage: Tri-tips and beans.

Somis Market

3319 Somis Road, Somis

482-1744

There’s not a lot to do in Somis except maybe eat at the Somis Market. I mean, what are you going to do, hang out at the post office or hang out at the hardware store?

The Somis Market is a building divided in half. One half is an actual market--where else are you going to find YooHoo chocolate drink? The other half is the restaurant.

The service is great, faster than a tourist reaching for something to drink after his first jalapeno.

The menu is vast--as is the clientele--the place is usually busy no matter what time it is. The Somis Market is one of the best Mexican food places in the county. The soft tacos are heavenly, the burritos, one-handers mostly, are uniformly excellent while the salsa is world class.

Recommended dosage: Soft beef tacos, beans and rice and any kind of burrito plus a couple of cold YooHoos.

Anita’s Food to Go

128 W. Harvard Blvd., Santa Paula

933-1144

Step through the front door of Jonesy’s Liquors in Santa Paula, and you’re at Anita’s. It’s just a small, two-person operation with one picnic table in case you want to eat in.

The tacos are pretty good, not overly spicy, with hard shells so when you crunch into one of them all the goop falls into your lap. Neatness definitely doesn’t count when it comes to Mexican food. The salsa is exceptional, the hot sauce is not-so-hot and they’re generous with all that orange and white cheese. The tostadas are only so-so.

And if you make it to Anita’s from Ventura without getting a ticket, you’re lucky since every other car on California 126 is a CHP.

Recommended dosage: Tacos and a Sapporo from Jonesy’s.

Win’s Drive-In

310 North A St., Oxnard

487-6203

This popular hangout for the locals also used to be a Foster’s Freeze, but it’s been Win’s for the last 15 years. This place has a serious menu--longer than your last trip to the dentist, only lots more fun.

Billy Burgers are big, plus they use some sort of real bread for the buns, not the usual Styrofoam white bread junk. Win’s also uses real meat, real veggies, making a Billy Burger very hard to eat alone. For the truly adventurous (or really fat) there’s the Double Billy Burger that could feed everyone in Calcutta for a week--all for $3.20, such a deal.

Just about every type of junk food you can name (except for my personal favorite, fried Cheerios) is on the menu--chili fries, burritos, pastrami, Polish sausage, patty melts, nachos, onion rings, even ice cream. But turkey corn dogs? Ugh. . . .

Also memorable are the tacos. They’re your basic Anglo tacos, bigger than their Mexican cousins, with just the right mix of all that junk they put on them.

Recommended dosage: Billy Burgers by the bushel and tacos and maybe a strawberry shake.

El Taco de Mexico

3045 Saviers Road, Oxnard

483-1911

210 E. 5th St., Oxnard

4 86-6883

112 W. 7th St., Oxnard

486-9521

Just as cops know where all the doughnut shops are (they have this sixth sense learned at Doughnut 101 at the Police Academy), they know where all the good junk food is, too. El Taco de Mexico is a hit in three locations in Oxnard, and the cops eat there, too.

The location on Saviers is a funky little dive with a jukebox. The burritos are two-handers at least, only slightly lighter than a ’56 Oldsmobile. Unless you have forearms like Mr. T’s, don’t try lifting one alone, you’ll end up sending some chiropractor to Hawaii for a week.

The tacos, on the other hand are microscopic--just like the corn tortillas at the supermarket, only anorexic. William Conrad could eat about 712 of them. The tacos are only about three-biters, but they’re great, if you can find them. The salsa is just the right combination to set your lips on fire.

Recommended dosage: A billion baby tacos, carne asada.

After weeks of strenuous research, I can honestly report that my carotid artery is so full of gunk that I can’t turn my head. If I smile, my brain short-circuits and I can’t think of any words longer than two syllables. I sweat pure Crisco. My hair is like Pat Riley’s. When I tried to kiss my girlfriend, my lips were so greasy they slipped off and I broke my nose on her shoulder. Now I’ve got to buy all new pants at The Tall and Fat Shop. I’m on the Rolaids Board of Directors.

I’m going to become a vegetarian. No one knows what an adult’s minimum daily requirement of monosodium glutamate is, but I’ll bet I won’t need any more for 30 years at least.

Then again, if I get the craving for a chili dog and all the burritos there are, don’t be in line in front of me, OK? You know how impatient I get. I’ll be the surly looking tall guy with his top pants button unbuttoned.