No Bonuses Paid for Making This Team

Somewhere cool, with an ocean breeze and big, white fluffy clouds offering shade, they named the 1990 All-Star starters.

So Cleveland, where it is perhaps 2,000 degrees--is the perfect place to name the 1990 Anti-All-Star team.

In the yin and yang of baseball, for every positive there is a negative. Thus, as ballplayers across the country count their incentive-clause bonuses for being voted into the Midsummer Classic, there is the third annual Anti-All-Star team.

No bonuses, please.

As always, decisions were all but impossible. Many deserving players were considered and rejected. As always, the rules for selection were totally unscientific and subjective.

To make this Anti-All-Star team, one doesn’t merely have to play badly. One might, for instance, merely make too much money, be a nasty person, or somehow have fallen on the dark side of this judge--who, remember, is suffering mightily here in Cleveland.

So no complaints about those left out. Mark Langston (4-9), for instance. Sure we could make cheap jokes. Like saying he’s made $375,000 per win in the first half of the season. But that would be beneath us.

The Anti-All-Star tradition is far above that.

AMERICAN LEAGUE * Catcher. Rich Gedman, Boston. An honorary award, since Gedman (.186) has been traded to the Houston Astros, who play in another league. But with Boston, he not only batted .112, he complained that Tony Pena (.283) was playing too much.

* First base. Keith Hernandez, Cleveland. A free-agent acquisition who batted .208 before going on the disabled list--twice. Told a friend, “I hate the city, the team and the league.” Then he dated Carly Simon, which truly irked the judge, who thinks she deserves better.

* Second base. Lou Whitaker, Detroit. Tough call, because the former All-Star has 11 home runs and 33 RBI--but a .212 average saved his candidacy. Also, his relationship with teammates: Watch the Tigers infield throw the ball around the horn after outs. Whitaker doesn’t take part.

* Third base. Jack Howell, California. Vast improvement made this selection easy. Last year, he couldn’t hit left-handers. This year, he can’t hit anyone (.220).

* Shortstop. Cal Ripken Jr., Baltimore. The only man elected to the All-Star and Anti-All-Star team in the same season. The Rip plays every game, and though he’s currently batting .258, required being dropped from fourth to sixth in the lineup before getting above .240. At home this season: .190. With the bases loaded this season: 1-for-11.

* Outfield. Mookie Wilson, Toronto. The Mookster (.235) threatened to leave Blue Jays without a long-term contract, and got one after last season. Wears custom-made sunglasses in the outfield.

* Outfield. Devon White, California (and Edmonton). Once the can’t-miss kid who could do everything; he hit .213 with one home run and seven runs batted in before his demotion on Friday. Has all the tools, but can’t get into the tool shed.

* Outfield. Deion “Neon” Sanders, New York (and Columbus). Demoted despite a .126 average in 41 games. Impressed by not running out ground balls, pop flies, or, apparently, very many hits.

* Left-handed pitcher. Jeff Ballard, Baltimore. An 18-game winner in ‘89, he missed this team last season, but has responded in ’90 with a 1-9 record and a 5.28 ERA.

* Right-handed pitcher. Andy Hawkins, New York. What can you say about a man who can’t even win his no-hitter?

* Reliever. Mark Davis, Kansas City. The Royals’ $12 million man (1-5, 5.46) has asked not to be considered for another Cy Young Award. Naturally, we’ll oblige.

NATIONAL LEAGUE * Catcher. Alex Trevino-Rich Gedman, Houston. One of the greatest left-right platoon teams in Anti-All-Star history. Also the only one. Trevino (.197) and Gedman (.186) give the Astros three to four certain outs a game against left-handers or right-handers.

* First base. Nick Esasky, Atlanta. Big contract. Big bust. Hitting .171 might have been enough, but made this team easily with the best injury of the year--vertigo.

* Second base. Juan Samuel, Los Angeles. First man named to two Anti-All-Star positions in the same year. Samuel was a mediocre center fielder on Opening Day (.224), then forced the Dodgers to trade Willie Randolph so they could move Samuel to second base--where he has batted .199.

* Third base. Howard Johnson, New York. Forget the 12 home runs, the 41 RBI, the 15 stolen bases. We did. Hojo is batting .236, with 16 errors at third base.

* Shortstop. Kevin Elster, New York. Great glove (11 errors), great bat (.211), great attitude (“I wish they wouldn’t move me around so much in the batting order.”)

* Outfield. Dale Murphy, Atlanta. Two-time most valuable player who has misplaced all knowledge of the strike zone (65 Ks in 72 games). Is absolutely, positively the nicest guy on the Anti-All-Star squad. Again.

* Outfield. Samuel, again. Los Angeles. Philadelphia made him an outfielder, saw the results, and traded him to New York. The Mets watched him, worked with him--and traded him to the Dodgers. “The man can run,” said Tommy Lasorda. An amazing talent, that.

* Outfield. Jerome Walton, Chicago. The wonder rookie of ’89 is hitting .270 this season, but oh, what production. In 60 games, the man has yet to hit a home run--though he does have 13 RBIs. Not even Sandberg and Dawson can carry this kid.

* Right-handed pitcher. Mike Scott, Houston. No longer accused of scuffing ball. No longer accused of cheating. No longer considered Cy Young candidate (6-7, 4.28).

* Left-handed pitcher. Bruce Hurst, San Diego. On a team picked to win the NL West, Hurst is 4-7 with a 4.62 ERA. Maybe he needs to pitch on a better team.

* Reliever. Charlie Kerfeld, Atlanta. He’s big, why shouldn’t his ERA be? It is--7.27--yet he has two saves and three wins. Ted Turner bought them for him.