Oh, Say, Can You Sing Better Than Barr?

The San Diego Padres just called to ask if I could sing the national anthem at one of next week’s baseball games.

“We’re looking for people who can outsing Roseanne Barr,” a Padre spokesperson spoke.

“And I’m the first person you called?” I asked.

“Frankly, no.”

“Who did you call before me?”

“Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

“I see.”

“And Rob Lowe, and Jerry Lewis, and George Burns, and Sylvester Stallone, and Burt Reynolds, and Robert DeNiro, and Whoopi Goldberg and Pee-wee Herman.”

“Anybody else?”

“Oh, and remember Jean Stapleton, that woman who played Edith Bunker?”

“Yeah.”

“And Henry Kissinger, and Sen. Jesse Helms, and the Rev. Al Sharpton, and Sam Donaldson, and Paul McCartney’s wife and Bill Murray.”

“Is that it?”

“No, and Don King, the boxing promoter; and Johnny Most, the Boston Celtics’ announcer; and Hulk Hogan, the wrestler; and Carl Lewis, the runner, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Yogi Berra.”

“Long list.”

“And Ed McMahon, and Martina Navratilova, and Harry Caray, and Candice Bergen, and Oliver North, and Mike Wallace and, I think, Eva Gabor.”

“Right.”

“And what’s the name of that horse that won the Derby--Sunday Silence?”

“Wait a minute. Now you’re exaggerating.”

“No, really. Tom Werner gave us a list of suggestions.”

“Who’s Tom Werner?”

“He’s the guy who bought the Padres from the burger queen, Mrs. Joan Kroc. He’s a big-time TV producer.”

“What’s he produce?”’

“Hits.”

“I mean what programs?”

“Roseanne’s, for one.”

“Ah. Francis Scott Off-Key herself.”

“That’s why she sang the anthem for us. Did you hear it?”

“Yes.”

“On TV or in person?”

“Neither. My dog started howling, so we went out into the back yard.”

“Where were you?”

“Near Los Angeles.”

“And you could hear Roseanne way up there?”

“At first, I thought my smoke alarm had gone off.”

“I know what you mean.”

“It sounded like Godzilla when the Japanese started hitting him with those flame-throwers.”

“Yeah. We got complaints from some of our neighbors.”

“Which neighbors?”

“Arizona, Mexico and Hawaii.”

“No kidding.”

“I’m serious. Joan Embry got an emergency call to the zoo. Somebody thought a lion was mating with an orangutan.”

“Weird.”

“She said even the parrots were holding their ears and yelling, ‘Shut up! Shut up!’ ”

“How about the people in your ballpark?”

“It wasn’t so bad. We kept most of our players from going after her with baseball bats.”

“They wouldn’t have hit anything anyway.”

“Very funny.”

“Did Roseanne really plug her ears with her fingers while she sang?”

“Sure. Which made her the smartest person in the park.”

“And when she finished, she spat?”

“Yeah. We voted it the best thing out of her mouth all night.”

“She didn’t really grab her crotch, though?”

“Well, Carol Burnett tugs her ear . . . “

“It’s not the same, believe me.”

“Isn’t Roseanne the one who mooned the crowd at the World Series?”

“Yeah. In one week, the Bay Area had an earthquake and a total eclipse.”

“I’d rather she dropped her pants than treat the anthem the way she did.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Was that the worst singing you’ve ever heard?”

“Nah, no way. Well, wait a minute. Maybe by a mammal.”

“Do you think Roseanne was trying to be funny or do you think she just has a horrible voice?”

“Yes.”

“Do you blame the crowd for booing her?”

“No, I blame the American legal system.”

“For what?”

“For not giving her the cell next to Pete Rose.”

“So, who should we get to sing the anthem next?”

“Let me give you 10 people who can sing 10 times better than Roseanne Barr.”

“OK.”

“Do you have 10 people who sweep up your stadium at night?”

“Yeah.”

“Them.”

“How about some celebrities?”

“Who can outsing Roseanne?”

“Yeah.”

“Is Andy Devine dead?”

“I think so.”

“How about Chill Wills?”

“I don’t know.”

“Look, just get anybody but Roseanne. Anybody is bound to sound better than Roseanne. She makes Randy Newman sound like Johnny Mathis, man. I haven’t heard noises like that in a stadium since the last time I saw the Arkansas Razorbacks.”

“True.”

“Linda Ronstadt’s socks could do the anthem better than her.”

“That’s why we called you.”

“Why?”

“Because we heard you can sing better than Linda Ronstadt’s socks.”

“Listen, do you really want to do everybody a favor? Stop bringing in all these singers who turn the national anthem into a performance. Play a recording.”

“And what should we do with the recording of Roseanne?”

“There’s only one thing you can do with a recording of Roseanne.”

“What?”

“Torture enemy spies.”