One Man’s Homer Was Another’s Meek Bunt

THE COLLEGES

Offensive coordinator Homer Smith’s UCLA offense looked as if had been designed by Homer Simpson Saturday. The disorganized ‘Ruins, who used three quarterbacks in the third quarter (including two freshmen not much older than Bart Simpson), were crushed by Oklahoma in their opener, 14-34, regaining the Bottom Ten lead.

The UCLA attack was ineffective even when the team dropped back into its new squirt-gun formation. Not that the defeat came as a great surprise. The Bottom Ten’s crack selectors had picked Oklahoma as the rout-of-the-week winner.

Tied at No. 3 were the University of Georgia and Georgia Frontiere, miserly owner of the L.A. Lambs, who once again were hurt by the preseason holdouts of such stars as linebacker Kevin Greene.

Elsewhere, Clemson, a 7-20 loser to Virginia, obviously hadn’t recovered from the physical beating administered the previous week by Cal State Long Beach.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: USC over Penn State.

FORKED-TONGUE QUOTEBOOK: “I wonder what all of those people who were booing him last week have to say about this?” said TCU Coach Jim Wacker, referring to quarterback Leon Clay, who led the Horned Frogs to a 20-19 victory over Missouri. What about you, Coach? Clay came off the bench to spark the victory because Wacker had benched him.

THE PROS

What a streak Dallas Coach Jimmy Johnson has going. He has been awarded the game ball after every victory he has coached for the Cowboys. Both of them.

Actually, the game ball should have gone to San Diego Coach Dan Henning, who had linebacker Gary Plummer take the snap on a fourth-and-six fake punt in the fourth quarter while leading 14-7. Plummer gained two yards, but at least he can say he has out-gained Eric Dickerson.

In the you-knew-it-had-to-happen department, no sooner did CBS run a puff piece Sunday on the Vikings’ efforts to foster team togetherness at a camp in New Mexico than Minnesota blew its opener to Kansas City.

Atlanta Coach Jerry Glanville announced that he will dedicate the team’s next game ball to descendants of the Cumberland team that lost to Georgia Tech earlier this century, 220-0. And it looks as if Denver fans can stop worrying that the Broncos (0-1) might have to play in the Super Bowl again this season.

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Phoenix at Philadelphia.

QUOTEBOOK: “Just because you have a two-tight end offense doesn’t mean you have to have two tight ends,” said Pittsburgh receiver coach Dwain Painter, trying to explain the confusing new offense brought in by former Jet coach Joe Walton (of all people).

SAME OLD JETS: Running back Freeman McNeil led the Jets in carries with seven in their opener, only a few days after he had been cut and re-signed by the team.

RANKINGS

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. UCLA (0-1) 14-34, Okla Stanford 2. Penn St (0-1) 13-17, Texas USC 3. (Tie) Ga. (0-1) 13-18, LSU S. Miss 3. Georgia (0-1) 24-36, G. Bay T. Bay 5. Minn’ta (0-1) 29-35, Utah Iowa St 6. ‘Bama (0-1) 24-27, S. Miss Fla. 7.Duke (0-1) 10-21, S.Caro N’western 8. Oklahoma (0-1*) 8-15, CSN Spiked 9. Clemson (0-1**) 7-20, Va. Next Year 10. Baylor (0-2) 13-34, Ariz St Idle

11. B.C. linebacker Ivan Caesar (0-1 in predictions; promised BC would hold Pitt runners to 66 yards; Pitt gained 190 in 29-6 win); 12. Illinois (0-1); 13.-14. The Miamis (0-3); 15. North Texas (0-9) (nine players suspended); 16. Northwestern (0-0); 17. Columbia (0-0); 18. Washington (1-0); 19. Idle; 20. Orange Bowl (some critics called for the postseason game to be transferred to Joe Robbie Stadium because the Orange Bowl’s toilet facilities are so poor).

*Lost NCAA volleyball match to Cal State Northridge.

**Record in 1990s vs. Virginia.

RANKINGS

RUN AND BOOT* DIVISION

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Detroit (0-1) 21-38, Tampa Atlanta 2. Houston (0-1) 27-47, Atlanta Pitt

*Joke stolen from NBC’s Dick EnbergFALSE HOPES DIVISION

Team, Records* Last Loss Next Loss 1. Seattle (4-1, 0-1) 0-17, Chicago Raiders 2. SanDiego(3-1,0-1) 14-17, Dallas Cincy

*Preseason, regular-season records.

SWOON DIVISION

Team, Record Last Loss Streak* 1. Phoenix (0-1) 0-31, Wash Lost 7 2. N.J. Jets (0-1) 20-25, Cincy Lost 4 3. New Eng’d (0-1) 24-27, Miami Lost 4

*Consecutive losses dating to 1989.