Perhaps the Mysterians Could Help Them Out : THE COLLEGES

Virginia was en route to a 59-0 victory Saturday when the name of its opponent disappeared from the scoreboard. Instead, “????” appeared in place of “Duke.”

Bottom Ten voters were left in a quandary. Was it a malfunction? A prank? Or had some team other than Duke really been on the field? The Indianapolis Dolts, for instance.

Anyway, we’ve signaled to the instant replay booth for a decision, which should be forthcoming any moment. In the meantime, “????” has been ranked No. 1. For now, we’ll call the mystery team the Who Devils.

Alabumble, meanwhile, fell to 0-3 for the first time since 1956, when it was coached by J.B. (Ears) Whitworth, who is in the Great Nicknames Hall of Fame. Whatever happened to those bumper stickers that said, “It’s hard to be humble when you’re from ‘Bama”?

RANKINGS

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. ???? (1-2) 0-59, Virginia Clemson 2. Alabumble (0-3) 16-17, Ga. Vanderbilt(!) 3. Ore St (0-4) 3-37, Stanford Nebraska(!) 4. Mich. St (0-1-1) 19-20, LOI* Rutgers 5. Kentucky (1-3) 13-16, N Caro Idle 6. N’western (0-2) 14-31, Rice N. Ill 7. Indy (0-3) 10-24, Houston Phila 8. UCLA (1-2) 15-38, Mich Wash St 9. N Mex St (0-4) 3-42, Fresno St Idle 10. Penn St (1-2) D. Rutg., 28-0 Idle

11. University of Florida administrators (teams put on probation for two years); 12. Columbia (0-2); 13. Minnesota (1-2); 14. The latest TV broadcast cliche--the team that succeeds by “playing within itself;” 15. Indecisive Syracuse (1-1-2); 16. Tailback U. (USC gained 28 yards on ground vs. Washington); 17. Arkansas (1-1); 18. Wisconsin (1-2); 19 Idle; 20. The 5-8, 160-pound member of the girls’ cheerleading team at Coronado High (Colo.) who turned out to be a 26-year-old man.

*Luck of the Irish.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Oregon State at . . . at . . . no, we can’t bear to say it.

QUOTEBOOK: Kathleen Bober-Sorcinelli of New Haven, Conn., on last year’s Yale-Connecticut pregame bash, which led to this year’s ban on tailgating parties: “By mid-morning, it was absolute bedlam. There were intoxicated fans urinating into neighboring yards, tossing beer cans into yards--literally dropping their drawers in front of neighborhood children.”

HE KNOWS WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING HIM TALK: Michigan State Coach George Perles, asked if he felt bad about the last-minute Notre Dame victory: “If I did, no one’s going to know it. You can have me tied up against the wall and have whips and slingshots and all that, but never, never, never, is anybody going to get anything negative.”

THE PROS Many Aints fans, responding to a plea by radio station WMXZ, had vowed to abstain from sex until New Orleans scored a touchdown. The team finally got one Sunday, late in the second quarter.

So, the stands were mostly empty for the rest of the game as the Aints dropped from the ranks of the winless.

Now, Pitt is the only NFL team whose offense has yet to make it into the end zone. Come on Steeler fans! It’s your turn to take a vow of chastity--at least until Coach Chuck Noll abandons the team’s new, complicated offense.

Elsewhere, Philadelphia receivers out-leaped Ram defenders all day in a 27-21 victory. It’s now clear why the Eagles’ Buddy Ryan said the Rams had a “junior high school defense.” He only meant that their defensive backs, who average under 6-0 in height, are junior high school-size.

RANKINGS GOODY TWO-SHOES DIVISION*

Team, Record Yds Pen Avg 1. Cincinnati (3-0) 55 18.3 2. Minnesota (1-2) 75 25.0 3. New England (1-2) 92 30.7

*Teams that have been penalized the least this year (hoodlum Atlanta, by comparison, has been penalized 280 yards for a 93.1 average). DICKERSON ALUMNI DIVISION

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Indy (0-3) 10-24, Houston Phila 2. L.A. Lambs (1-2) 21-27, Phila Idle

NO-OFFENSE-MEANT DIVISION

Team, Record OTDs* Next Loss 1. Pitt (1-2) 0 Miami

*TDs scored by offense this year.

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Houston (1-2) at San Diego (1-2).

DON’T FORGET NOW, COACH: Steeler Coach Chuck Noll: “We’re going to have to write that down as one of our goals: ‘Get the ball into the end zone.’ ”

PUBLIC SERVICE AWARD: On its scoreboard show, NBC gave viewers a dramatic press box shot of the Chargers’ general manager, Bobby Beathard, whom announcer Bob Costas proudly identified as a “former NBC employee.” (Thanks for the memories, NBC.)