He Can’t Be ‘Wild and Crazy Guy’ : Saudi Arabia: Steve Martin went to the gulf to put on a show for the troops, but all he was allowed to do was press the flesh and sign autographs.

Bob Hope it wasn’t.

Entertaining homesick American soldiers overseas is as much a part of American military lore and legend as GI Joe and Hershey bars. And U.S. troops deployed in this barren desert kingdom have been waiting months for their first visit from Hollywood.

But when it finally happened Tuesday, the result was so disheartening that comedian Steve Martin offered a public apology--and autographed pictures as consolation prizes.

“They said they didn’t want us to do a show,” Martin explained when soldiers, who had been waiting atop a sand dune for nearly three hours, pleaded for him at least to tell a few jokes.

Under scorching sun on forbidding desert, this was USO entertainment, Desert Shield-style: No dancing girls, no stand-up comedy routines and precious few laughs.

Why? Because this is Saudi Arabia, and the military isn’t taking any chances. “I don’t think anybody is ready for a USO show right now,” a military official said.

As visitors in a society that permits no public entertainment, U.S. military officials have learned how easy it is to cross the line and offend their hosts. An early attempt at soldier-style diversion backfired when American employees of a Saudi oil company put on a show that included a risque dance number. Commanders quickly canceled further attendance.

Now, commanders say, the troops have to be content with periodic concerts by divisional brass bands and the odd talent show. Mostly, the troops listen to music over headphones on personal stereos--leaving camps oddly silent, without even the camaraderie of common song.

And while the USO-sponsored visit this week by Martin and his wife, actress Victoria Tennant, marked an effort to break the routine, the limits were more striking than the entertainment.

The 500 troops from the 24th Mechanized Infantry Division waited hours for Martin and clearly anticipated a show. They cheered when he arrived and again when he introduced Tennant.

But the comedian, who climbed atop an M-1 tank bearing a sign inscribed “Speed and Power Beach Club,” instead opted for earnest greetings from the home front. “We appreciate what you guys are doing,” Martin said, “and there’s a lot of support back home.”

Then came the bad news. “What we’re gonna do is what they call grip and grin,” Martin explained. “We grip your hand and grin at you. It’s all we can do.”

The comedian and the actress made their way through the ranks, signing autographs and handing out cards and flyers to the soldiers. “Don’t squeeze too hard,” he told one who shook his hand.

When one soldier asked: “Can’t you stay?” Martin ad-libbed, “Oh God, I’ve got a meeting.”

The comedian’s visit to this remote forward base camp was the third of five appearances scheduled for the day, and his outfit of combat fatigues and a red USO baseball hat was already adorned with flier’s wings and other military emblems from his previous appearances.

But in the entire visit, Martin delivered only one-liners relating to the gulf crisis: “I’ve got the answer for Saddam Hussein. If the press would just keep talking about his mistress, his wife would kill him.” The joke got a laugh from the troops close enough to hear it.

Martin told a pool group of reporters who attended the session that he decided to come to Saudi Arabia because he “felt guilty.”

“Everybody coming out here, giving up part of their lives for this effort. I had some time off, and I felt kind of bad just sitting there,” Martin said, “so I came.”