But Seriously, the Rams Could Use Some Help

The Rams might be bad, but you can’t say they’re listless . . .

Top Five Suggested Names for the New Ram Defense:

1. Eagle.

2. Beagle.

3. All Fall Down Now.

4. Look, Ma, No Hands.

5. Poor Fritz.

Top Five Cliches Heard in the Ram Locker Room:

1. “We have to reach down and dig deep.”

2. “We’ve hit rock bottom.”

3. “We’ve been through bad times before.”

4. “Now we’re going to see what we’re made of.”

5. “Now I’ll never get a raise.”

Most Popular Ram Responses to the Question, “What Is a Quarterback Sack?”:

1. “A place where you keep quarterbacks.”

2. “Something a quarterback carries his lunch in.”

3. “Is it anything like a holiday gift pack?”

4. “Hold on, let me ask Jack Youngblood.”

Top 10 Losses Left on the Rams’ Schedule:

1. San Francisco at Rams (Cigarette & Blindfold Night at the Big A.)

2. At San Francisco (“Touchdown, Rice! Touchdown, Rice! Touchdown, Rice! Touchdown. . . .”)

3. New York Giants at Rams (Bill Parcells has only been waiting nine months for this one.)

4. Atlanta at Rams (Jerry Glanville never rolls it up.)

5. At Atlanta (No, really, Jerry’s above that sort of thing.)

6. Houston at Rams (Moon over Humphery . . . and Stewart . . . and Newsome . . . and. . . .)

7. At New Orleans (The date is Dec. 31. Wait till next year.)

8. New Orleans at Rams (“Second-year quarterback Steve Walsh, in a record-setting performance. . . .”)

9. Pittsburgh (“Jim Harbaugh? Bubby Brister calling.”)

10. At Cleveland (Bernie Kosar’s bye week.)

Last Game in Which the Rams Will Be Favored:

1. Dallas, Nov. 18.

(It’s at home.)

Football Teams in Worse Shape Than the Rams:

1. Minnesota Vikings (1-5, Herschel’s a bust, Rich Gannon’s at quarterback, Mike Lynn’s high-tailing it to Europe.)

2. New England Patriots (1-4, under investigation, Zeke Mowatt as offensive player of the year, Victor Kiam as the village idiot.)

3. Cal State Fullerton.

Five Quarterbacks Who Have Beaten the Rams in the Past 12 Months:

1. Anthony Dilweg.

2. Jim Harbaugh.

3. Frank Reich.

4. Bobby Hebert.

5. Mike Tomczak.

National Publications Feeling Awfully Stupid Today:

1. Sports Illustrated.

2. Inside Sports.

(Both picked the Rams to go to the Super Bowl.)

National Publications That Knew Better, Reasoning That Kevin Greene Would Be Less Effective Lining Up on the Right Side and That the Soft Zone Would be Vulnerable Without a Stronger Inside Pass Rush:

1. Field and Stream.

2. Road and Track.

3. Better Homes and Gardens.

4. Popular Mechanics.

5. People.

6. Us.

7. Self.

8. Life.

9. Time.

10. Newsweek.

11. Rolling Stone.

12. National Geographic.

13. Reader’s Digest.

14. Ladies Home Journal.

15. Vogue.

16. Glamour.

17. Seventeen.

Foreign Lands the Rams Hope to Visit Next Year:

1. The Soviet Union.

2. China.

3. Italy.

4. .500.

Five Defensive Players Drafted After Bern Brostek:

1. Aaron Wallace, LB, Raiders.

2. Darion Conner, LB, Atlanta.

3. Andre Collins, LB, Washington.

4. Kenny Davidson, DE, Pittsburgh.

5. Alfred Oglesby, DT, Miami.

(Help was out there.)

Top Five Options Available to the Rams in the Next College Draft:

1. Russell Maryland, DT, Miami.

2. Kanavis McGhee, LB, Colorado.

3. Alfred Williams, LB, Colorado.

4. Todd Lyght, CB, Notre Dame.

5. Everyone else. You get the No. 1 pick, you get your pick.

Worst Starts in Los Angeles Ram History:

1. 0-6 (1962).

2. 0-5 (1963).

3. 0-4-1 (1960).

4. 1-9 (1965).

5. 1-7 (1982*).

6. 1-7 (1987).

7. 1-6 (1961).

8. 1-5 (1956).

9. 1-4 (1990).

(*--Includes two games played with replacement players, which was a problem then but could be the solution now.)

Worst Finishes in Los Angeles Ram History:

1. 1-12-1 (1962).

2. 2-10 (1959).

3. 2-7 (1982*).

4. 4-10 (1961).

5. 4-10 (1965).

(*--Season shortened by players’ strike. No such luck this year.)

Suggested Franchise Name Changes for the Los Angeles Rams:

1. Anaheim Rams.

2. Orange County Rams.

3. California Rams.

4. You Want ‘Em, You Got ‘Em.

Ram of the Year:

1. Darryl Henley.

2. Larry Kelm.

3. Mel Owens.

(Still on injured reserve. Can’t blame them.)