WORLD SERIES / CINCINNATI REDS VS. OAKLAND ATHLETICS : Why Not Blame Canseco? It’s Easy

Jose Canseco (choose one):

1. Started the Johnstown Flood.

2. Is the real Lindbergh kidnaper.

3. Stole Christmas, shot Santa Claus.

4. Bombed Pearl Harbor.

5. Voted Communist.

6. Is responsible for the deficit, the savings and loan scandal.

7. Killed Custer, sank the Titanic.

8. Is really Martin Bormann.

He must be the most terrible person alive. At least, in sports.

There isn’t a city they don’t boo him. You can’t pick up a paper where he isn’t being criticized. He hits a home run and everybody says, It’s about time! He can’t catch up to a three-base hit and everybody says, Willie Mays would have caught it in a basket catch.

His back hurts, his thumb is jammed--and everybody says, why doesn’t he stop jaking it and play ball? If he had to come to the ballpark in an iron lung, they’d be beside themselves with rage. They’d want him prosecuted for malingering.

What is it about Jose Canseco that ticks everybody off? It can’t be his batting average. That’s a respectable .270. It can’t be his home runs. He has 165 already, not counting playoffs and World Series, and he’s only 26. It can’t be his RBIs. He has 525. That’s a career for most people. He gets paid enormous sums of money, the most of anybody in the game--but we’re in an era where they just gave a moderately successful basketball forward $6 million a year just to haul down a few rebounds. They give rock stars who sing off-key and pluck a few chords on a guitar all the gold in California.

Jose is just the man-you-love-to-hate. There used to be a movie actor, Eric Von Stroheim, who went by that nickname.

Von Stroheim was America’s Sweetheart compared to Jose. He brings out the beast in everybody. You’d think he chopped up kittens in his back yard, you’d think he was the leader of a motorcycle gang. He’s really kind of an easygoing overgrown kid with a kind of nice smile and a million-dollar swing at the plate. There’s very little doubt when he’s healthy, he’s the best ballplayer in the game, maybe since Aaron or Ruth. His team wins an annual championship and that usually is the telltale.

So why do they hate him so? Well, there are a lot of theories:

1. His hair’s too long.

2. He doesn’t catch three-base-hits (neither did Roberto Clemente).

3. He makes noise eating.

4. His lips move when he reads.

4. He drives a red Porsche.

5. He gets in the World Series every year.

6. He’s too tall.

7. He’s too young.

8. He hits too many home runs (more than Ruth hit at that age).

9. He bats in too many runs (more than 100 a year).

10. He’s not Babe Ruth.

11. He’s not Willie Mays, in fact, he’s no Billy Hatcher.

Anyway you look at it, Jose Canseco has a lot to answer for. His feet are too big, in addition to everything else.

How dare he have a bad back--a sore hand?! What does he think he is--human?! Jose Canseco is not even supposed to bleed.

His manager is very concerned about him. The World Series was two games old and he only had one home run. You can see where that would cause long faces in the front office.

Then, there’s that stance. Jose Canseco stands up to the ball in a posture that’s right out of the mustache cup era of baseball. It’s the stance of a guy trying to hit a nine-iron to a guarded green. You can’t possibly pull the ball with it--unless you’re as strong as Jose Canseco.

All in all, you can see why the manager would call him on the carpet here Thursday. Maybe this wasn’t Jose Canseco but some clever impostor.

Still, there were a few things the manager could tell him. For instance, “Look, Jose, when the ball hit in the glove, Willie Mays caught it. There was no such thing as a three-base-hit when Willie played the outfield.” Or, he might say: “Look, Jose, I don’t mind your not hitting a home run every time up--but ninth-inning double-play balls are unacceptable.”

The luxury of failure is given to ordinary mortals. But not to Jose Canseco. The greatest hitters who ever lived failed two out of three times. People are insulted when Jose Canseco does.

If the Cincinnati Reds win the World Series, which is virtually a mortal lock (teams that have lost the first three games have never won a World Series and, in fact, only three of them have even carried it to five games), it’ll be--who else’s?--Jose Canseco’s fault. Jose Canseco must feel like a fighter who goes to his corner between rounds--and the seconds start to beat up on him. Lots of players get booed in enemy ballparks. Jose gets booed at home.

In romantic lore, the Spaniards were supposed to have tied their dead hero, El Cid, to a white horse, wired his eyes open and rode him out to strike terror in the hearts of their enemies, the Moors. In a way, the Athletics are trying the same ploy. Their fearsome slugger, Canseco, is only a shadow of his quondam self. His threat is largely psychological. Because of his infirmities, he appears unable to hit a ball anywhere but right field. He is like two guys dressed up in a gorilla suit. He’ll scare you, but he can’t hurt you.

But Game 3 was hardly Canseco’s fault. It was a team effort. The manager, who criticized Canseco for not getting a good jump on the three-bagger in Game 2, didn’t get much of a jump himself when he started a pitcher who sported a season record of 4.65 earned runs per game. This is just better than the batting practice pitcher, but Tony La Russa appeared to think he was Cy Young just going through a stretch of bad luck. Cincinnati had eight hits, two of them home runs, and six runs off him in 2 2/3 innings and, by the time La Russa finally got the hook for Mike Moore, the horse was stolen and the Series, maybe, over.

The facts of the matter are, Oakland is an ordinary team without a healthy Jose Canseco. Cincinnati isn’t exactly The Big Red Machine, either. But, any major team can hit lollipop pitching. The Reds made only three hits after their seven-run, third-inning splurge. They hit starter Moore like a batting machine. Like poor relatives, he was allowed to hang around too long.

If Manager La Russa felt constrained to give Slugger Canseco a good talking to after Game 2, he should give himself a good talking-to for leaving his starting pitcher in through eight hits including two home runs and three other runs.

Or, maybe that was Canseco’s fault, too. Go along with his failure to balance the budget or bring peace to the Middle East.