Roll With It : If That Menu Item Doesn’t Specify Toast, Just Don’t Expect Any Toast

WE HAVE ALL BEEN frustrated by short-order restaurants that do not permit any variation from the specials on their menus.

If the plate comes with French fries, one may not substitute tomatoes; if it comes with apple pie, one may not substitute ice cream.

This is a minor nuisance, at worst; one can understand that the simplicity and inflexibility of a dish make it cheaper and easier to prepare.

All the same, sometimes such rules don’t make sense; they seem arbitrary to the point of being deliberately exasperating, as if the management enjoyed confounding the customer.

Brant de Pierre writes that he is puzzled, not to say disgruntled, by a Late Riser breakfast special he ordered in the lounge of a golf club he frequents.

De Pierre says he entered the lounge at about 12:30 a.m. (I think he means p.m., or it would have to be the Early Riser special) and gave the following order:

“Bacon, eggs over easy on white toast.”

The waitress said, politely, “No toast with that order, sir. It’s served with rolls.”

“Then the same with a side order of toast,” Pierre said.

“No, sir. No toast with that order.”

Pierre thought the conversation might have been excerpted from “Through the Looking Glass” or Ogden Nash. He was also reminded of the old Army expression, “No reason for it. Just policy.”

Pierre asked the waitress if she didn’t think the rule was strange, and she replied: “Those are my orders, sir.”

Pierre decided to try another tack. “Then I’ll have the BLT sandwich,” he said.

“What kind of toast, sir?”

“The same kind I wanted with the eggs.”

“Yes, sir, white toast.”

Pierre doesn’t want to name the club because he enjoys playing golf there. Also, he does not want to embarrass the waitress. “Her demeanor was polite though adamant. Service was prompt. I am curious, though, and the question haunts me: Why no toast with eggs?”

I have often encountered such idiosyncrasies, and my only explanation is that chefs do not like to make exceptions--unless one happens to be eating in an expensive restaurant that caters to the gustatory whims of its clientele.

When I was going to college in Bakersfield, I used to eat almost every night at a Greek restaurant where I could get a four-course meal (soup, salad, entree and dessert) for 35 cents. I believe that included a chunk of white bread. How the owner made a living off those prices, I don’t know, but he never failed to serve the entire meal, and it was hearty.

Of course, for a customer to ask for some variation, such as meat instead of fish, or chowder instead of bean soup, was unthinkable and was likely to bring the proprietor raging from the kitchen.

Ever since then, I have been inclined to take what is offered. If I don’t want the French fries, I don’t eat them. I have found that there is no point in saying, “Hold the potatoes.” If they are on the menu, you can’t escape them. But I feel guilty about the starving children who would love to have the French fries.

I can’t see any reason for the Late Riser’s restriction on toast, however. Two pieces of white toast should cost no more than a roll; but it does take a few watts of electricity to toast them and a few seconds to pop them into the toaster and retrieve and butter them.

But that cost hardly seems enough to justify denying a customer his wish for white toast instead of a roll. There should be ways around this problem without having to order a BLT on white toast.

Pierre should simply order white toast and coffee, which does not seem unreasonable. When the waitress has brought this order, he should say, “Could I also have some eggs over easy with bacon?”

If the waitress insists on bringing him a roll with that order, he doesn’t have to eat it (though that may make him feel guilty about the starving children).

When I was in the Marine Corps on Maui, our regimental cook invariably served pancakes and bacon for breakfast. Day in, day out, we got great heaps of pancakes and tubfuls of thick, fat bacon. Smothered with real butter (that’s why there wasn’t any on civilian tables during the war) and maple syrup, it made a tasty breakfast with plenty of calories. But after months of the same thing every day, it became monotonous, not to say fattening.

One morning I asked the cook why he didn’t give us something different--oatmeal, for example, or fruit. He looked at me as though I had suggested treason, rolled his eyes and walked away. There was no reason for serving pancakes and bacon every day; it was just policy.

As parents say to children, “Eat and shut up.”