Helmets Roll in Bay Area

All hell broke loose in San Francisco. Protests stormed into the city by the Bay. Angry mobs formed. There were nasty phone calls and letters. Public reaction was swift and vicious. Until finally, the voice of the vocal majority was heard and the powers-that-be capitulated.

The 49ers took back their old helmets.

Power to the people.

My fellow Americans, I think we can all sleep soundly again with the knowledge that this crisis has been averted. We have enough on our minds without worrying about what Joe Montana and Jerry Rice have on their heads.

In case you missed it, here’s what happened.

We call it: “SF Story.”

Somebody in the San Francisco organization recently decided that, now that the team has lost one NFL championship in a row, it needed a new look. The 49ers proceeded to do what many rich Californians do whenever they get depressed: go shopping.

Remember in generations past when an unhappy woman would be advised to cheer herself by buying a new hat? Well, the 49ers were tired of wearing the same old helmets, season after season, gold, gold, gold, boring, boring, boring.

So, the 49ers went on millinery maneuvers.

Owner Eddie DeBartolo went to his favorite tailor, Marcel De Eneffel.

“Darling, this ‘SF’ thing has simply got to go!” Marcel said.

“But we’ve worn that same logo every day since we came to San Francisco!” Eddie said.

“I suppose you also wore the same socks every day!” Marcel sniffed.

Chastened, DeBartolo agreed to let his designers create a new helmet. His only condition was that it remain golden in color, a terrible disappointment for those who tended to envision the team in chartreuse.

Weeks later, the finished product was brought to Eddie’s desk.

On the temple of each helmet, where it used to say “SF,” there was now, in the kind of colorful lettering one usually finds on the chests of characters in Marvel Comics, the word: “49ERS.”

It was big, bold, brazen. It had everything but an exclamation point.

“Now this, this makes a statement!” Marcel gushed.

“Exactly what statement does it make?” Eddie inquired.

“It states: ‘WE ARE THE 49ERS!’ ” Marcel said.

DeBartolo winced and said, “Gosh, I don’t know.”

Which made Marcel pout.

“What statement would you rather make?” he asked. “ ‘WE ARE SF?’ ”

Eddie gave in. He was sold. A few days later, he threw a little fashion show for the Bay Areapress, inviting everybody to bring their cameras for the unveiling of the 49ers’ fabulous new designer helmets.

Next day, the reviews were not good.

“Uncommonly ugly”--San Francisco Chronicle. “I’ve seen prettier bed pans”--San Francisco Examiner. “Looks like something Flash Gordon would wear”--Oakland Tribune. “Might make nice lamp”--Architectural Digest. “Haven’t seen head wear this bad since Bella Abzug”--Women’s Wear Daily. “Niners Desire Finer Designer”--Variety. “Oprah, Madonna Feud Over 49er Helmet”--National Enquirer.

Other football teams, seeing San Francisco as an organization that never does anything wrong, immediately launched plans for new helmets of their own. The Rams got rid of their horns and designed a helmet with “RAMS” on one side and a rear-view mirror on the other side with the words: “Objects may be closer than they appear.”

The Raiders, impressed with San Francisco’s upbeat, happier helmet, got rid of the eye patch guy and replaced him with a smiley face on one side and “Have a Nice Game” on the other.

The Chargers junked their lightning bolts in favor of the letters “SD,” being too unimaginative to think of anything better.

Phoenix put a picture of Abraham Lincoln on one side of the helmet and some other Caucasian on the other.

New England kept the traditional patriot on its helmet but put a bathrobe on him.

Dallas replaced the star on its helmet with a Cowboy cheerleader, but put a bathrobe on her. Chicago put a question mark over something grotesque drawn by Picasso. Atlanta Coach Jerry Glanville got management to grudgingly approve helmets bearing the likeness of Roy Orbison. No reason was given.

All of a sudden, however, the 49ers changed their minds. Public opinion swayed them. The new helmets, like the New Coca-Cola, had to go.

“We made a mistake,” DeBartolo said. “The fans have spoken.”

The old SF helmets have returned.

All the 49ers have to do now is figure out how to beat NY.