Where Does School Bus Driver Get Off?

Anyone who’s ever driven a school bus knows it takes patience, a good disposition, a pair of quality earplugs and excellent judgment.

Whoops, did we say excellent judgment?

You sort of expect 7-year-olds to do dopey things from time to time, but not school bus drivers.

But the as-yet-unnamed driver who left 7-year-old Tristan Martin on the side of the road a mile and a half from school last week because he had brought lizards on board deserves the Judgment Lapse of the Month award.

Oh, the driver apparently assigned a fifth-grade girl and a sixth-grade girl to walk Tristan the rest of the way to school, but the ejection still qualifies as a true bonehead move.

Not to mention being illegal under state law.

Tristan lives in Laguna Hills and was taking his usual 7-mile bus ride last Tuesday to Gates Elementary School in El Toro.

However, dum-da-dum-dum , he wasn’t alone. He had brought three teensy lizards with him to exhibit at show-and-tell. He had them secured in a little box and was showing them to some other kids on the bus.

The driver found out about the stowaway reptiles and, according to newspaper accounts, told Tristan to either leave them on the side of the road or get off the bus and walk.

Not willing to desert the lizards, Tristan got off and, with the older girls, walked the rest of the way through the suburban jungle.

Is that any way to treat the Student of the Month, an honor Tristan won for May?

Even if the driver was playing this one strictly by the book (which she wasn’t), she goofed.

State law prohibits ejecting any student from a school bus, unless the student is turned over to a parent or someone designated by the parent or school officials. Chuck Baker, the California Highway Patrol’s coordinator of a passenger safety transportation program, said there are no exceptions to that rule.

“No, sir, it’s not what she’s supposed to do,” Baker said. “It’s just the opposite. The regulations are clear.”

Baker went on to say that having the lizards on board was also against the rules, but that ejecting Tristan wasn’t a permissible option.

I don’t think most grown-ups would need to read the state safety handbook to figure out what to do. Or what not to do. It’s not like walking through El Toro at 8 in the morning is the equivalent of the Burmese jungle, but try to picture yourself as a 7-year-old being kicked off the bus by the driver.

Ouch.

The driver must never watch any TV. We’ve all seen enough movies about crime to know what to do when an officer of the law confronts a lawbreaker. I don’t know why the driver didn’t follow these simple guidelines:

First, size up the situation. Is it a problem that might require backup? How about the SWAT team? Can I use my radio to call for help without being detected?

Second, what is the makeup of the perpetrator? Does he appear to be high, suicidal, homicidal? Does he have a weapon? Will he listen to reason?

Third, can I keep the crowd under control?

Fourth, could I possibly make it back to base without anyone getting hurt?

I admit I wasn’t on the school bus that fateful morning when the driver discovered that a box of 3-inch lizards was also on board. Who knows the fear that could have been going through her mind?

But let’s hope that, on a better day, here’s what she might have said instead:

“Tristan, what are you doing with those geeky lizards? They give me the willies, and, besides, you’re not supposed to have them on the bus. I have half a mind to throw them off the bus, but since we’re only a mile and a half from school, I’ll let you keep them. But I don’t want to see them again. And make sure they don’t get out of that box.”

There was no indication that the lizards had escaped or were terrifying the other passengers. If they were (and believe me, a loose lizard would cause pandemonium in any vehicle in which I was riding), the driver could have pulled over until things were under control.

I know, I know. You think I’m a smart aleck and that hindsight is always perfect.

But come on. Put a 7-year-old kid off the bus because he has some pet lizards on the way to show and tell?

It just goes to show you that Stupid Human Tricks are always more entertaining than Stupid Pet Tricks.

Or, as the CHP’s Baker said: “When you start talking about ejecting animals, there are no regulations one way or the other. Common sense is going to have to prevail on what the driver does with the animal.”

Common sense.

That’s the exact phrase I was looking for.