Simply Don’t Ring Up Any Wrong Numbers

Ya-hoo, city slickers, it’s Clipper NBA draft roundup day. Donald Sterling, Elgin Baylor, Mike Schuler . . . drive home them college cattle, boys. Today is the first day of the rest of your lives.

Psst. I know what the Clippers should do. Do you know what the Clippers should do?

(a) Fold?

(b) Move?

(c) Punt?

(d) Trade for Benoit?

No. None of the above. The Clippers are so close to becoming a championship team. Their owner, Don Vito Sterling, is a man committed to winning, although if the Donald doesn’t start winning soon, somebody will have to have him committed.

Remember, the Pistons were rotten; then they won the NBA championship. The Bulls were rotten; then they won the NBA championship. It can be done, Don. Hang in there, my wealthy friend. One good draft choice and the L.A. Clippers are on their way!

Here is my advice before today’s NBA draft., in which the Clippers, assuming they haven’t traded one of them, have two picks in the first round. Take it for what it’s worth, which is nothing, although sometimes this is the market value of the Clippers themselves.

1. Change uniform colors.

I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time. Ever since Bruce McNall remodeled the Kings.

The Clippers need more than new players. They need a new look. They need a new attitude. Most of the people I know can’t even name the Clipper colors. Which is pretty damned sad, since I think they’re the same colors as our American flag.

Give the Clips some style. Florence Griffith Joyner designed the Indiana Pacers’ uniforms. Let her come up with something. Something tapered. Something classy. Something to make the Clippers look real manly and cool, like those I’m-so-handsome-I-could-kiss-myself guys in the suit commercials for C & R.

How about . . . black and silver?

Yeah.

Donald Sterling silver.

2. Do your homework.

Now, fellas, I don’t care who you intend to pick today. You want Greg Anthony, fine. Stacey Augmon, swell. Take anybody from any Las Vegas hot tub, see if I care. You make the call. Find some character from Yugoslavia, for all I care.

Simply ask him first if he wants to come.

Don’t pull that Danny Ferry stunt again. Dial the dude up. “Hello, is this Mark Macon? Hi, we’re the Clippers! Would you play ball with us?” See, it’s simple.

You did just fine last year, making sure Bo Kimble wanted to play for the Clippers. Unfortunately, you didn’t let Bo do much actual playing for the Clippers, but a guy can’t have everything.

Single out your man, ring his phone and sing: “I’m a Clipper, he’s a Clipper, she’s a Clipper, wouldn’t you like to be a Clipper, too?”

3. Trading is OK.

Look, I know some of these things haven’t panned out for you. I mean, if you hadn’t been running this big Clipper flea market of yours for so long, you would still have Byron Scott and Tom Chambers and Terry Cummings and Ricky Pierce and Moses Malone and Craig Hodges and James Donaldson and Larry Drew and . . . well, you know.

But if somebody offers you, say, Charles Barkley or Isiah Thomas or Patrick Ewing in a possible deal, here’s what you do:

Do it.

I mean, even if the conversation goes like this:

“We’d be interested in trading Charles Barkley to the Clippers.”

“For what?”

“The Clippers.”

Do it.

Maybe you could ask to keep Ron Harper. Maybe. Otherwise, unload. Simply use Charles Barkley and any four bodies from the Continental Basketball Assn., and I guarantee, you’ll win as many games as you have in any of the past 10 seasons.

Two conditions:

Don’t take Ferry back. He ain’t even All-Italy.

And don’t take any calls regarding Benoit Benjamin, even if they’re collect. Benoit likes Seattle and we like Benoit in Seattle.

4. Don’t fall asleep.

With all the excitement of that first pick, don’t forget to make the second. I know the Clippers are eager to see who they get at No. 9, but remember, people from Vlade Divac to A.C. Green to Joe Dumars to Ken Norman all were drafted long after that.

In fact, my money’s on the second Clipper draftee turning out better than today’s first Clipper draftee. Any takers?

5. Stay in L.A.

I know, I know, a lot of people wish you would move to Orange County or back to San Diego or to Santiago, Chile, or some such place.

Not me.

Personally, I believe Jerry Buss will move the Lakers south someday, leaving the Clippers, the Macaulay Culkins of pro basketball, home alone.

But now in particular would be a bad time to leave Los Angeles, since the Lakers, as we all know, are too old, too tired, too thin and too short-handed to win another NBA championship. Yeah, wasn’t it a shame seeing the Lakers falling apart that way, having the nerve to finish second in the greatest basketball league in the world.

The Clippers will own this town, and I mean soon.