We’ve been trying to get in touch...

We’ve been trying to get in touch with the Wild Man within, but getting nowhere. Two weeks of no shaving or bathing, and all we had to show for it was some ragged fuzz and a few puzzled inquiries from our neighbors.

“Are you keeping a donkey on the premises?” Carl from next door asked.

We explained our quest to him.

“Never been in a shooting war, I suppose?” he said.

We shook our head.

A faraway look came to his eyes.

“Nothing like the bullets flying to let you know what it’s like to be a man,” Carl said. “I was in Burma you know. During the Deuce--that’s World War II. Wonderful time. I smelled the fear on me. And something else. Beastly. Primal. Now whenever my wife tries to cut me down, or the world tries to take a piece of me, I go back to Burma.”

That might be good for Carl, but what about us?

Dad was no help, either.

“What do you know about men’s movements?” we asked him over the phone.

“Field and track?” came the reply.

We checked out videos of every werewolf picture ever made. But except for Lon Chaney Jr., who got to wear some very fine rayon shirts and trash a couple of castles, nothing about the lifestyle appealed to us.

Then, just yesterday morning, there he was. Our Wild Man.

“Glad you could make it,” we said. “Now that you’re here, let’s swagger a bit.”

“Oh, we don’t swagger,” he said.

“We’re expecting primitive,” we told him. “Don’t disappoint us.”

But he said he’s thinking more along the lines of the UCLA School of Arts “Works in Progress Series,” a showcase for experimental works by choreographers, dancers, musicians and performance artists. It’ll be held at the UCLA Dance Building, Room 208, at 7:30 p.m. Monday. Admission is free. Call (213) 825-8537.

No swaggering? Fine.

“A bellow or two oughta do it then,” we said.

“How about something more cerebral?” he says, and explains that the Los Angeles Computer Society will feature two presentations on desktop publishing and a graphics program at 7 p.m. Tuesday at the Robert Frost Auditorium, Culver City High School, 4401 Elenda St. Admission is free. Call (213) 473-6668.

No swaggering or bellowing?

Teach us how to grunt, we said.

How much more civilized, he said, to use the voice in a more pleasing pursuit. Like the Westside Opera Workshop, which is holding auditions at a Santa Monica location at 6:30 p.m. Wednesday. For location and information, call (213) 453-2894.