COMMENTARY : John Williams: Is He Serious?

Earth to John Williams. Earth to John Williams. Come in, John. Put down the cheeseburger and come in, please.

Is this guy serious?

Back pay?

For what? So he can order the filet mignon with extra gravy?

Alan Dershowitz’s autobiography is called “Chutzpah.” Hard to believe there’s no chapter on John Williams.

Fred Slaughter, the Major Major of agents, is holding Williams out of camp, pending a ruling by an arbitrator on whether the Bullets owe Williams the money they withheld while he was unfit to play professional basketball last season by virtue of an overactive knife and fork gland.

The amount in question is about $500,000. If you have won the lottery, this amount is pronounced, “Fuh-fuh-f-f-five hundred THOUSAND DOLLARS!”

For many of us, this is a lot of money, enough money that we might make some small sacrifice to obtain it -- like lose one pound a week for 16 weeks. Which is what the Bullets asked Williams to do. All the money could be in his pocket by now. And he wouldn’t have to drink any more of those awful shakes.

If he weighed in at 276 pounds on June 1, he would get $100,000.

If he weighed in at 272 pounds on July 1, he would get another $100,000.

If he weighed in at 268 pounds on Aug. 1, another $100,000.

Are you still with me? Stop me when it gets too complicated.

If he weighed in at 264 pounds on Sept. 1, another $100,000.

And if he weighed in at 260 pounds on Oct. 1, the new, svelte John “Hot Tea, No Sugar” Williams would get a final payment of $100,000.

They didn’t ask him to dunk over Ewing, or shut down Barkley, or outscore Jordan. They didn’t ask him to lie, cheat or steal.

They asked him to lose 16 pounds -- which some of us try to do for free.

For $500,000.

Nice work if you can get it.

If the British make this deal with Gandhi, by now he owns Exxon.

John Williams said he would do this. No problem.

(Note: Mr. Williams always says something is no problem; he’s a very agreeable young man. Unfortunately, he doesn’t actually do the thing that he says is no problem. And this is a problem.)

You’re thinking, what’s the catch? There has to be a catch, because nobody gets $500,000 just for losing 16 pounds. If they did, there’d be a line outside Jenny Craig from here to Singapore. So, uh, maybe it was unfair of the Bullets to pick 276 pounds as a starting point?

Well, the Bullets didn’t allow Williams to play last year until he got near 260 -- down from his midsummer Joe Jacobian plateau of 302. Williams was about 260 when he saw his first action, Feb. 12. He subsequently averaged 30 minutes a game for 33 games through mid-April. That’s real exercise. So, presumably, when the season ended, Williams had remained around 260. If the Bullets wanted him to be at 276 by June 1, they were allowing him to gain 16 pounds in six weeks, and still get $100,000!

On June 1, Williams reported slightly over the magic number, and managed to get down to 276. The Bullets paid him $100,000.

On July 1, Williams was heavier than he’d been the month before. Again, he tried to sweat off the excess and pare himself to 272. The Bullets scheduled a makeup weigh-in. But Williams didn’t avail himself of the opportunity.

On Aug. 1, Williams was supposed to meet John Nash, the Bullets’ general manager, at Loyola Marymount in Los Angeles, and weigh in at 268 pounds. Williams had assured Nash he would be there at 3 p.m. What a shock-a-rooni, Williams didn’t show up. Nash hasn’t seen him since.

The question now becomes: What to do with John Williams? It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to play for the Bullets. This is two years in a row he hasn’t reported to camp, and when he finally does come in he’ll probably be at least 20 pounds overweight. (Speaking of overweight and out of shape, Ledell Eackles is waddling around camp. Here’s another guy with superior NBA skills trying to toss his career down a dumpster. Eackles has yet to even attempt the mile-and-a-half run. He has begged off with a sore ankle -- which sources say gets sorer each time he gets near the track -- and with this dog-ate-my-homework excuse: “I forgot my track shoes.” Whoa! Track shoes! Maybe Ledell wants Said Aouita to come and time his splits. What’s this guy thinking? If Williams is unfathomable, Eackles is inexplicable. He’s already been torched by the coach for having a lazy, lousy year after they’d counted on him to replace Jeff Malone. So he spends the offseason getting out of shape? Who’s his agent, Norm from “Cheers”?)

If it’s my team, I don’t trade Hot Lunch Williams, because I can’t possibly get fair value for him until he gets down to 245. Not 265, 245. No other team is going to trust Williams to get there on his own. (Bear in mind that the Bullets have repeatedly said Williams’s ideal playing weight is 245; the 1991-92 NBA Register, obviously in a dreamlike trance, lists Williams at 235.)

Until then, I let him suck wind.

And I don’t pay him, because he’s not in condition to play.

I leave his future and his salary entirely in his hands -- or, on his plate as it were.

When he is in condition to play, I let him sit on the end of the bench for a spell, and watch lesser talents play. Playing professional sports for this absurd sum of money is a privilege, not a right. I hope he comes to learn that.

If not, it’s his loss.

And I smile and say:

“Chow, baby.”