Padres’ Shopping Leaves Something to Be Desired

Has anybody been in Miami Beach the last few days?

If so, has anyone run into someone or anyone associated with the San Diego Padres?

They certainly did not make their presence felt at baseball’s winter meetings. Kids don’t toss baseball cards around the way the game’s biggest stars were bounced around this week, yet the Padres were so quiet I wondered if they were really there.

I hope they came back with souvenirs. You know, a book of matches from Joe’s Stone Crabs or a T-shirt from the Elbo Room or even a divot from Doral.

After all, you don’t expect this bunch to spend much money. However, they should be required to prove they were there.

For all they accomplished, they may as well have been in Puerto Vallarta or the French Riviera. Maybe they were.

That’s why I ask if anyone actually saw them. I mean, did they stand up in front of the media to announce that they had nothing to announce, or did they whisper through keyholes?

The winter meetings are supposed to be baseball’s version of Dec. 26, the biggest shopping spree of the year. Items such as a McReynolds, a Mitchell, a Saberhagen, a Jefferies, a Martinez, a Benzinger, a Brooks, a Hayes and a Gwynn (the other one) exchanged hands.

There was also a Joyner, who failed geography, economics, mathematics and logic. He signed a one-year, $4.2 million contract with Kansas City rather than a four-year, $16 million contract with the Angels. His agent must have been either Goofy or goofy. Ballplayers should not go to Disneyland.

Through all of this, the Padres simply failed Shopping 101.

I think Tom Werner and Co. should look for a new general manager.

Naturally, I have a suggestion.

Imelda Marcos.

You want to shop, you hire a shopper. Not a looky-loo. Not a talker. You want someone devoted to the notion that you don’t belong in the store if you have to worry about the cost.

Imelda would have been mortified at the idea of spending a week in Miami and making two transactions, neither one in fine furs. One of the Padres’ transactions, in fact, was more the magnitude of buying a street taco on Revolucion.

Did you catch what the Padres did on a day when Kevin Mitchell was traded to Seattle for half its pitching staff and Bret Saberhagen was traded to the New York Mets for half of Long Island?

They traded a left-handed pitcher named Rosenberg or Rosenburg or Rosenblum or Rose-in-Bloom to, let me see, the New York Mets for, let me see, an infielder named Gardiner or Gardner or maybe it was Gardener. Presumably, a bale of peat moss was part of the deal, which probably was consummated at a nursery in Fort Lauderdale.

This one was like trading two players to be named later. In truth, it was probably a trade involving two players to be cut later (or maybe sooner).

Now, it cannot be said that the Padres did not make one trade that will change the face of the lineup. More accurately, they made a deal that will change the feet of the lineup.

The Padres came away from the winter meetings slower.

They traded Bip Roberts.

A lineup with little speed now has less.

Roberts went to the Cincinnati Reds for left-handed relief pitcher Randy Myers. In essence, the Padres gave up the best guy they had at opening games, their only qualified leadoff hitter, in hopes they got a guy who can end games, a stopper in the bullpen.

It was typical of the Padres that they would create one problem to solve another. It was, on a much smaller scale, reminiscent of filling gaps at first base and shortstop while creating gaps at second base and left field, as they did a year ago at the winter meetings.

What’s more, this trade was actually a matter of microwaving leftovers from the long-simmering “Eric Davis” trade with the Reds. That one fizzled when the Dodgers upped the ante and slipped Davis out from under the Padres’ noses.

Because that deal was in the works since September, the Padres accomplished virtually nothing in Miami.

A little good, maybe a whole lot of good, might still come of the experience.

It has to do with Danny Tartabull, of course. This is a player who could have considerable impact on the lineup and create an upward lift for the Padres in the National League West.

Apparently, some time was invested in conversations with Tartabull’s agent. Maybe a little schmoozing will ultimately bring Tartabull into the fold and make the whole week worthwhile. A whole lot of money will have to follow that little bit of schmoozing, however.

This, to be sure, is where the Padres can use some help.

Put in that call to Imelda.

And tell her to bring her purse.