A look inside Hollywood and the movies. : WHO DO YOU LOVE? : Wayne and Garth vs. Bill and Ted: The Consensus From the Metal Section

“We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!” say Wayne and Garth.

Yes you are, insists a panel of experts in the area of righteous excellence: hard-rock and heavy-metal musicians.

Forget Bush vs. Buchanan or Clinton vs. Tsongas. Wayne and Garth (the honorable dudes from Aurora, Ill.) have swept out the incumbents, Bill and Ted of San Dimas, as the most excellent representatives of metal fandom, taking the helm of the Party-On Party with a resounding schwing.

The vote wasn’t even close. In fact, Wayne and Garth took the nod virtually by acclamation, with not a single vote going to the Bill and Ted ticket.

Did Wayne’s facility with Cantonese earn him points on foreign-relations matters? Did Garth’s ability in the hockey goal persuade voters that the pair was strong on defense? Or did they just think Bill and Ted were a bit lost in space and time?

Sample comments from our exit polls tell the story:

Steve West, drummer of the band Danger Danger, voted for Wayne and Garth “ ‘cause they get way cooler babes.”

Pat Badger, bassist for Extreme: “Because Wayne and Garth like Queen.”

Guy Lacey, guitarist for the Seattle-based War Babies, said Wayne and Garth “because they smell better.”

OK, so much for the key platform planks. Overall, the consensus is that Wayne and Garth are just more, well, real than Bill and Ted.

“ ‘Wayne’s World’ is closer to a day in the life of a heavy-metaller than Bill and Ted’s adventures,” said Megadeth singer-guitarist Dave Mustaine, adding, “P.S. Anyone want to buy a used telephone booth?”

Said John Bush of L.A.’s Armored Saint: “Wayne and Garth--they represent my upbringing.”

And Tom Araya, bassist and singer of L.A.’s speed-metal Slayer, noted that the Wayne and Garth iconography and phraseology “has really captured what the fans are all about.”

Curiously, Araya, whose band is notorious for its explorations of evil, likes the sweetness of the winning pair. “They are naive, they are innocent, they’re gullible,” he said. “They’re independent, but they still to some degree follow the rules of society.”

Mistress Barb, who performs with the graphic sex-and-death theatrical bands Haunted Garage and Duchess DeSade, doesn’t see the pair as so innocent. “They’re nastier,” she said. “And they play better music. Bill and Ted are a little too squeaky clean.”

Music figured in several opinions, including that of Seattle band Alice in Chains’ Layne Staley (“Wayne and Garth are much better musicians”) and New York band Pantera’s drummer, Vinnie Paul (“They’re complete buffoons, play instruments and almost ‘did’ Madonna”), one of several references to a “Saturday Night Live” skit with Madonna.

The tally wasn’t totally unanimous. Odorous Urungus of the guts ‘n’ slime band GWAR registered a vote of “neither,” with an explanation that is unprintable in a family paper. And pundits may want to note the choice of Alice in Chains’ Jerry Cantrell, which may signal a Jerry Brown-like insurgent challenge:

“I prefer Bert and Ernie,” he said. “They have cooler hairdos.”