Sure, Biosphere 2 Is Hermetically Sealed, But What’s Wrong With Take-Out Food?

Managers of Biosphere Project are Accused of Compromising Experiment

--headline, The New York Times

Dear Friends Back on Earth:

Greetings and salutations from the men and women of Biosphere 2--Biosphereans, as we call ourselves.

First off, don’t believe everything you read in the papers. The way they twist things.

Take the maintenance problem. Hart was not qualified to serve as systems engineer at Biosphere 2. He doesn’t know a stilson wrench from a wedge of Stilton. (We’ve had a difficult time getting good cheese--but I mentioned that last week.)

That’s why we’ve had repairmen in. ABC Appliances. That’d be Joe. Great guy. He’s over here twice a week now. We had him in to change a washer for Pete’s sake. And that’s at 45 bucks a pop. Joe doesn’t come cheap.

Roto-Rooter’s been here, too. (“The Official Drain Cleaners of Biosphere 2.”) And the exterminators--to spray for fleas. We had to leave for four hours! We went to the movies and then got some Szechuan. These were legitimate problems. We honestly didn’t think it compromised the integrity of the experiment.

Now, about the takeout food. Most of us were opposed, at first. It just didn’t seem Biospheric to have Domino’s. (“The Official Pizza of the Biosphere 2 Table.”) Because of the distance from town, they refused to guarantee 30-minute delivery, but they gave a big discount because of the endorsement. OK, it tastes like cardboard. We knew there’d be hardships.

As for the Biosphere’s various terrains. We never thought they’d involve so much work--pruning, planting, raking, hoeing, cutting. We had to get some help in here: Senor Mendez, a really super guy. Has a son, Raul, who works with him. They come out three times a week. And they do a terrific job with all the terrains.

Then there was the matter of keeping house. By the end of the second week, this place was a mess. We sent back to Earth for Maids to Order. Actually Mendez’s sister, Maria, worked for them. They are in and out of here in only three hours. Twice a week. Of course, we had to get someone else in to take care of the windows. We’ve got a lot of windows.

As for outside activities. What’s all the fuss? We have limited space. We can hardly have a golf course--or even a driving range. So a foursome returns to Earth, to a nice little public course about 45 minutes from here, a couple of times a week. Big deal.

As for the softball team. Well, it is the national pastime. And the Biosphere can use the publicity. We were asked to play in the Police Athletic League. I know there’s only eight of us, but, again Senor Mendez and Raul to the rescue and the Dominos guys. Appliance Joe is the coach. We’re 4-and-21. We beat the Elks and they were undefeated!

As for the press. I don’t know where to begin. The story in the Star was a complete fabrication: “BIOSPHERE 2 PARTY ANIMALS.” There was no wild party here. It was just a little get-together after we beat the Elks. We could hardly not invite Senor Mendez and Raul. And Maria and the gals from Maids to Order. They brought guacamole! And there was Joe and his wife. The UPS man. His date. And a few guys from Dominos. They brought those sorority girls.

OK, so it got a little loud. The Biosphereans have been under a lot of pressure. They needed the release. But I want to make one thing clear: We had nothing to do with those musicians. A kid from Dominos brought them. Some garage band. It was because of them that the cops were called. We would have been happy with old 45s. It’s only a misdemeanor.

Then the Wall Street Journal weighed in. A complete hatchet job. We have not been leaving the Biosphere for weekend trips. Not every weekend. Just a couple.

And when we’re not here, it’s not like the integrity of the Biosphere is jeopardized. Senor Mendez and Raul are here. And they are absolutely terrific. They don’t speak much English. But they’re just the best of sports. They dress up in our jumpsuits--and couldn’t be nicer when visitors come by. As for them charging tourists to take their photographs. Well again, that was not Biosphere 2-sanctioned. But why not?

What really gets us is how the papers keep referring to Senor Mendez and Raul as “our Mexican gardeners.” First of all, they’re not Mexicans. They’re from Guatemala. And they’re hardly gardeners. Senor Mendez and Raul are biospheric terrain maintenance engineers.